Penghibur Hati

One of those day songs that still lingers in my memories.

Layu sebelum Berkembang

It happen for a reason in this season in a lifetime.

When you love it is better to let it go and let it comeback if it is meant for you.

Hijrah

Aku dipinta untuk berhijrah segalanya hari ini.
Bukan hanya hijrah tempat malah berhijrah tentang hati juga.

Noktah itukah jawapan?

Jujur

Sukar untuk dimengertikan definisi KEJUJURAN.

Jujur terhadap diri, jujur terhadap kehidupan, teman dan juga sekeliling. Tak mungkin aku dapat jujur pada diriku sendiri hanya kerana aku ingin menjaga hati mereka yang berada di sekelilingku.

Banyak yang tersungkam jauh dilubuk hati, walau meronta untuk dilepaskan. Sayang aku tak mungkin dapat melepaskannya walau hatiku amat ingin memberitahu apa sebenarnya yang ingin ku inginkan. Walaupun kuberitahu mungkinkah ia menjadi milikku?

Ramadhan semakin jauh berlalu, sayu meninggalkan aku.

Sepi itu tetap akan kumilikki.

AMIN

Hanya Kau Yang Mampu

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It has been long since i hibernate. I dont write, i hardly goes out meeting all my friends as well as calling. Life is so calm and peaceful now. Not really actually but im taking it slowly one at a time.

If im really tensed out, i take time off with my kids out of town, outskirts or just hiding in some place that no one know except me n the kids. Not even him sometime. I dont want to include others as much as i wanted to.

So nowadays i become the private me as i always wanted to be. Keeping my smile intact, standing tall, my spirit are lift high on top. Im not sure for any reason those things happen but since i learn to forgive i think things are much easier. Much much much easier.

There is lots stage of changes that are made. Along that i learn lots of thing and issued are solved accordingly.

Knowing there is still people who thinks of me, love me from afar really amusing but too far. I cant afford to have long distance relationship anymore. Althogh he is single, capable, loving, presentable but the distance wont tame me the way i am. I learnt from my past mistake, i will never be able to hold my feelings.

In need of caring and loving nurture, i have to have someone who really devote into me. The unlikely me who I was before.

But that is what i want all this year. Cringing for my mothers love, cringing for someone that i can depend of.

He yelled at me yesterday because he cant stand my behaviour, my action, my tantrum, and i become calm, i become softer and i relent in his arm. The moment i was envelope in his love i dissolve into pieces and there i was deserted in nowhere looking for my shinning star

Aku Wanita

Maturity takes its place

The indecent proposal has never stop. That's for sure. God is always testing people like me especially. Somehow its depends on individual. Can only smile and let it be.

They may say anything, assume anything...

Sometime its good just to play with it a bit and let it pausedddddddddd for a long time and then tickle it again. It does not do harm to anyone. Neither me or the other party.

Days past by without looking back what have we left and the unpredictable tomorrow still coming as it should. Takings things as it is making it easier for me to handle everything now.

No more predicament, no more hassle and no more sad feeling i hope...

Ripe, Mature and Irresistible

My trip was successfully ventured. Was it my birthday treat? Its merely a gateaway for me just like what i did last year to Singapore. I had fun. Pleasing myself luxuriosly on things i love to do.

TRAVEL - i visit one place at a time beside some shopping. Im yet to discover the place for portraiting myself or rather "the riched of our nature". This time it was pleasant because i shop more for my children besides friends and a bit for my pocket money. Being a company to him was the best i guess so far.

Understanding a person do take a long time. I don't have much time talking to him either. Its either he is busy bargaining with the shop while im busying myself discovering lots of new things around the places. I found it so amusing going with a man who loves to shop. I feel bored and tired easily just like those typical men do. Erkkkk...

The moment i reach hotel, i showered not even bothered to make coffee to pleased myself after the treat of shopping i doze of to heavily sleep till i hear snores beside me. The familiar sound again came to mind where i shared my bed with my ex husband.

They snored while sleeping. LOUDLY!! If only it was him (i mean my ex) im sure i will be slapping his mouth just to shut him out for a while. Sigh... Something that i've not shared for a very long time.

He told me i did not lie on my back while sleeping, i hide my face on the bed instead. So he is not sleeping but watching me. Anyway i was too tired to share what we did during the day time. As early as 630AM our time i was awake by the alarm and remembered my kids.

From time to time my past being digged and i just changed the subject as and when i think it should or shut his mouth by tiny little kiss. Caught by surprised of my behaviour and i was warned in due course.

I told him that was me the unpredictable, the and adventurous & thrill, and spontaneous. I can be so emotional, i can be rational but then its alway depending on the situation. People dont poke me I wont jump out of the blue of course. I think deep ahead, which to some people i am very emotional. Whatever it is i know what im doing, expecting and going through. Yes i may be get hurt but i am prepared of it now.

Lets see how the flow is taking me. I have cried enough before my birthday listening to her about him. Yes, you know based on what you hear from me, him and others and i am based to what i am experiencing. I dont have to tell all. You have every rights to get angry over a situation merely because you are very lucky. Very very lucky but then its my part that i have to take and carry along the way of love i am building.
I can for sure build it and kills the love and desire i have had.

I dont sound enthusiastic at time when i speak to certain people. Why??? Let them find it out. I have explained enough throughout. If you don't see me through, just like i see you that means i have to wait patiences till you understand it yourself. If you don't then im sorry i cant help you further.

Our last day together has bring his sad mood. He was being quiet in the car which brings us separate homes.

While i am looking forward to see my children that i misses so much and he is keeping his sadness.

I cant help you on that im sorry. You have to go back to whom you belongs to. I belongs to no one. And im happy to be back home where love envelopes us together.

And the number has made me ripe, mature and irresistible i noted...

On the other hand i feel jealous over the other friend who wake up in the wee hours seeking for his love and finding solace to get HIS attention, love and reward. I am yes feeling very very very jealous when i hear those. She has gotten all the reward even on the other hand she is in a battle of loosing the husband to another woman.

Kasih yang amat sejati dan kekal adalah dengan menjadi kekasih allah... Bilakah waktunya aku akan menyerahkan seluruh hidup, jiwa dan hatiku padanya sedangkan dalam kehidupan ku seharian terisi kasih darinnya yang tiada berbelah bagi dari 2 jari tapakku hinggalah kesaat ini.

Aku harus berjuang untuk itu... Harus..

Poem for Mom

A mother, a father, this woman’s job is never done. A cooker, a cleaner, trying and trying, tired and tired, waiting til this day is done.

A flower in the light, and a tear in the dark trying, trying and doing the best that she can do.

What this day will bring, she wish she had the key, only no one knows, cause a skirt she wears in the morning light and as the evening nears, a pair of trousers with a loving smile that layers and peels into a grim stern face holding on, trying, trying to do the best that she can do.

A mother, a father, a mother playing a father’s role, caught up in rising and raising her pride and her joy, trying, and trying to be the best that she can be while she struggles to do the best that she can do.

Traded-in for a better life without them, fathers who left no pride or joy behind because they could not do and be the best that they could be.

But, still this mother allows herself to rise so that she can raise her children the best she can. A mother and a father that’s all she can be, trying, and trying to be the best that she can be so that her children can be the best that they can be.

Trying and trying, rising and rising and raising her children to be the best that they can be.

Gajah dan Semut

Kemusnahan umat terlihat nyata sekarang. Tak ramai yang melihat itu dengan hati tapi yang nyata ianya tidak merunsingkan mereka sedikitpun. Ramai yang tidak ambil peduli apa yang berlaku disekeliling kita. Tetapi hanya menumpukan kepada apa yang mereka hadapi. Jelasnya tidak mudah untuk kita mengakui apakah kesilapan kita yang membawa kepada kejadian hari esok.

Kita saling menuduh antara satu sama lain jika berlaku pertelingkahan. Hakikatnya adalah perlu jika kita merenung apa kah sebabnya pertelingkahan itu. Zahirnya kita payah ingin mengalah tetapi renungan yang dalam akan membawa pada jawapan bahawa setiap perlakuan mesti ada sebab, bila, mengapa ia harus terjadi.

And the line draws nearer

Current mood: fabulous
Category: Blogging


A day before reaching 40...

Its a number indeed but its take long time to reach to that number. Path, ways, experience and also significance achievement conquered along the journey left so many memories.

I have come to a stage being ripe and mature. Even sometimes i feel im on the edge of life but mostly at times still at lost. I want but im scared, I need but i dont want to fight for it... why bcause i think if it is not meant for me it wont be mine anyway.

I have been receiving so many wishes throughout the last 10 days. Thank you friends. Ill be leaving on Wednesday nite and be back on Friday but im out again on Sat and Sun. My kids will be having their own camping program leaving me with my classmate to reunite again.

Till next update

Love and Honour

It was an honour to love and be loved by someone. But most importantly is to love HIM most and wholeheartedly. Only then you will know and understand what love is all about. The tenderness, the caring part, the passion, the calmness, the peace that you will carry in you within daily life.

The beautiful part is to accept things as it is although there is a plenty question to ask around you. Things happen because it has to according to HIM. It comes from yourself, within you.

Sometime we tend to be ignorance to certain issue towards people but the fact is some people around us couldn’t stand it. Do people really knows and understand you the way HE does?

Last nite I was sitting in my car for long listening to something factual and reality. Slowly the feelings changed into deep sadness of how some people see from their side. Yes, everyone has their own right towards everything. Reason why I don’t want to open up to anyone about my story was because I don’t want to change their perceptions. If that’s what you think about some people I let you think the way you want it.

Because of all people who knows whoever they are in your own life was only you to know them indepth. The social circle was to make us learn about individual. If certain people only learning how to live at the age of 30 or 20 or may 40. I’ve learn it all the way through. If people can’t stand my way I can’t make them understand certain things underlaying the reason gave.

But when she said I always justify, accommodate, adapting, accepting every reason one gave to me doesn’t that give her a signal. Am I not doing the same to her too? But who am I to question that? I just eat it up.

Do I complaint about one behaviour towards me sometimes. The most I could do was hibernate myself alone. I will only entertain who ever can. She was the longest friend I have but couldn’t see me in the true eyes but then again I told myself “that’s her”. I don’t complaint but I evaluate what she said my way.

When a married man goes out of the house to find love what does comes to mind? He’s not logical, he is stupid, he is insane, he is just testing waters, he is just pure lay, he is just bastard who never gets enough. No matter how good the woman are to them its still not enough.

Hunters they are, if they don’t eat it they would just smells it. Remembering what she says about Yusfi, reminds me to Halimi, who has to say this “you purposely arrange your swimming class or outing when you’re having your periods?”. I just smile and walks away from him looking at my children happily playing in the water.

There is always a purpose people asking, inviting and reason to be there. Why do I need a man when I have full complete life even its hard. Companion, understanding, share my reason why I still work here though I feel being penalize all the time but im happy of what im learning and do what I can.

I don’t want to go further. I had cried enough all night because of that conversation and its affected other people too. But then if she is capable to do that with me what more to others hence again I told myself “its just her”.

And I wake up taking my bath in wee hours seeking solace presenting my thoughts and soul to HIM. Only him will understand, and knows why I do that to everyone. I dare not ask HIM whether have I not being fair to everyone and why everyone is not being fair to me.

Was it not enough to be accommodating, adapting and understanding people around. I leave it to HIM to answer me in point of time. I don’t look forward to my birthday because its only brings me sadness of that I have done to people around me can never satisfy them enough.

Now is a time to satisfy and pleased my self alone.

Catching my page again

Current mood: cheerful
Category: Blogging


Blog ini semakin sepi...

Kerana aku tak punya waktu untuk meninjau maupun menulis. Waktuku tertebus dengan kehidupan seharian yang penuh. Ruang yang kosong cuma untuk tidur dan yang sedikit untuk dikongsi dengan mereka yang paling dekat.

Dad is back till after my birthday. Will be celebrating parents birthday by the end of this month hopefully since dad in the beginning and mom end of June. Perfect... n soon it will be then my brother and next mine.

So much to write so little space to spare. But life goes just like what i wanted to be. On certain circumstances I dont have much to comments nor to complaint. Im tight but im still leaving town on a regular basis.

Im going to visit Jakarta again for my birthday since Singapore is not likely to be seen anywhere. But who says i cant spare that moment. I will have to try. Its a must. Singapore sale is almost done but the memoirs of the celebration on few occasions never leaves my mind.

Wonderful is still waiting, amoi is still checking which bus im gonna hop in. More likely this time im going to Chitos or rather, Plaza Anggerik or Senayan or maybe Pasar Baru n get my potrait done.

Bali is schedule somewhere in August. This year im full with travel plans and self indulgence. Problems, yes there are but if men can put it aside so do me...

Till then I'll write again.

Jakarta Revisit

It was visited again after 2 months. This time only two of us with clear intentions and minds. He came along after an option given either him or her? ;-) Yes he doesn't know if Rome will be meeting me there. He was shocked when i told him we will meet my besties on the second nite.

Again the revisit was total successful and a blast as I am going with intentions and fully alert of what i want. Only problems when he made wrong calculations and it spoill the entire journey but arghhh thank god besties is there to save me. Yeah alhamdullillah in anyways she is always there to save me.

Friendship

Why i choose this subject?

It has very deep meaning to me. How do i classify my friend, in what degree, category? Every one has their on set and segments. Very much of them are only on the top level. There is very few selected ones who earn my trust.

And those are very rare and hard to find. Why did i say that? I dont easily choose a fren amongst those ppl i meet, i saw, or pick from anywhere. I am a very choosy and selective person in terms of matching a person to jive with my personality.

Observation are first thing i do when i go out and meet people. I dont talk to just anyone if i dont want to and dont be nice if im not nice to you because i wont at all entertain you.

Some will commented I am hard person from the first look they see, some will easily label me a happy go lucky, some would just label me hard to please. I can be anything you want so long i wanted to play along with you. I suit and cater mine according to you.

How do i gain the trust and how do i trust my friends is very hard to explain. Im not a particularly easily commenting on people but i take critics and your recommendations base on subject, factual and situation. But how do i gain that trust really take long time to own it.

The pain which was carried along was hard to forget even its long forgiven. It leave me a very bad impact as i never ever easily trusting a person again until last nite when i post a question "can you be my friend".

This question has a very deep meaning. Nobody in my life had ever had this question if i have given them the priviledge. Why do I asked those question? While to be a friend some thinks we don’t need to ask but we just need to feel the click the chemistry. Out of many you find out there, I may be one who asked you this question. Why?

I have so many things to share but I scared that not many people would understand why I do it, I execute it, I keep it, I use it, whatever it is. I have so many issues kept in my box of trust having not revealed to anyone. And I am tired to keep it longer. I want a fren who understand this and share his or her idea.

I have one female version which I shared some and I want to have one male version where I can just pick up my fon and bombard with some questions and when I put the receiver I will be able to smile and tell myself ‘done! Your box is empty now’.

Again trust is the issue. No I don’t fully trust anyone. Although my best friend has some degree achieved but not fully. I reserved that 40% for me. I know they should not also trust me fully but its all up to them. I would not pushed them to do as i say. You are a free bird. Feel free to be who you are, what you are.


What makes I think you would? Good question to you and to me. Instinct I guess or merely on my super first observation. Perhaps and hopefully im not wrong this time.

3 infact that I used to call always somehow have gone. One with bz life, two because he asked me to stop that friendship. Why? Only and n him would know and understand why. And three I don’t have that standard to reveal to him. I want fresh anew.

Let me take the risk since I am not always confidence with myself and others let him take this chance to help me, to make me understand more n fully about each and individuals are unique, beautiful and individual.

Successfull Reunion!!!

Finally it happens. At 2pm Fuzila came to my place hoping she can help on anything. Everything was planned and done except to my horror when roti jala arrive up only we realize its without the curry. Immediate i change my uniform again to be in the kitchen and chicken curry was on the stove in the next minute.

Sazuna was the first to appear on time and later came Nani, Zurimah, Zanzirah, Nojie, Nona, Anita, Jijah, Suraya, Teh, Ajie, Miza, Nafsiah (class monitor with lots of short circuit)

Spagethi, roti jala, currypuff, serimuka and carrot cake all laid nicely but then again catching the times was more precious then having those delicacies. Tired of laughing and when thirst starting to hurts the throats n stomach they continue with eating and talking again.

Most of them never change in terms of look, appearance and character. Some do, yes size varies, outlook, and way of behaviour. Thinking again way back when we were just teens what was potray on our face was just fun, happy without anything else. But now some show tremendously on how they potray themselves.

Some of us still single and available, some are married with my god 'meriahnya rumah mak kalau sekeluarga dijemput' (with Nafsiah accent), and some are single again with kids whom shortly will be married and we will be the Aunt Nenek's tuanya aku).

But all in all it was a success and it was the jolly good feeling we have after the reunion. We are trying to get as money number so to make more to join us and capture this in our memory again

Here are some pictures for us to remember.

Catching Old Time Friends

Current mood: amused
Category: Friends


So many years we did not meet since the last we left school. So many information that i gathers along with the chat and laugh that caught over the phones. One gatherings is not enough and next is coming soon this weekend.

Hoping that i could get as many of them to come to the not so first meeting again after almost 20 years not meeting them.

I'm supposing its good to meet again but the story told before the meeting took place already feels like a heavyweight materials carried in my heart.

Argghh I am very emotional but then again its my classmate that im talking about whom i shared all the laughter, all the playful act during the class all the gossips about Chocranes Boys and so on.

Anyway i am very much looking forward to meet them again without any hesitation despite their status. Single and available, married but avaialble or even was married and available. Whatever they are, they are very much invited for the events.

Im hoping that all will turn well and will get as many to come and share the joyous event after almost a decade.

Thoughts of the Day - How important to Share in Marriage views from A Wife

- "A simple gesture, coming from my back, holding my waist, kissing my neck and whisper "good morning, sayang", is enough to make me smile the whole day. that gesture doesnt have to end with love making. but that was just that. (of course, if it carries to another level...oppss.. that's a different story la kan). those little gestures that hubby did and those little thoughts that he had, are those that spark the love back to our life. and that made me love him more. thank you sayang.

i feel like a small girl. learning, unlearning and relearning things. feeling the lost feelings. recovering the smiles. i guess, hubby is doing his extra best and working extra hard this time in this marriage. i too am working hard. we both have our shares. well, this is marriage kan? it takes two to tango. one cant be holding the weight too much as it will surely collapse. we both are now leading our life back together positively and insya allah, all is well".

Penned by - guile -

My Favourite Male Singer

If Tomorrow Never Comes