Im Back

hehehehe....
Ramai yang tercari2 blog ini rupanya. Sebab aku bercuti, sebab aku berfikir, sebab aku suka tukar ini tukar itu hingga aku lupa apa dia yang aku tukar walaupun aku boleh akses tetapi orang kat luar tu tak leh maka aku check dan dengan pertolongan kawan yang tau IT dia mengindentifykan...

patutlah setting tak telly. Part IT ni aku memang mengong sikit tapi tak pe laaa setakat untuk pakai sendiri buleh laaa.

nah untuk mereka yang tercari blog ni nah amiklaaa. untuk mereka yang masih mencari jawapan tanyalah diri sebelum soalan ditanya dan dipersoalkan.

the real answer is within me and dia mengikut situasi dan juga tempat dan saat ia terjadi. tiada kene mengena dengan dulu atau sekarang. ia tetap berada dikotak memori dan telah dipateri.

yang terasa, merasa dan alpa aku, kau dan dia adalah insan biasa.
semuga aku dirahmati sentiasa.
amin

Mom experience...

This best and beautiful feelings one mom should be experiencing...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G3K87l9hNOE&feature=related

Trust & Faith...

Something to ponder my mind around... People and their attitude & behaviour are not the same... This to remind me always that every creature has their own beauty created by HIM...



Dear ______,

I am touched with ... ur... message, actually i feel down at the moment , to be frank its been a year now, but i am keeping my sadness within myself. I try to divert things away from my life and feelings. At times i blame my husband , at times i wish i never whats happening around. Cos i remember my friend told me, wht u dont know will not hurt u. But when u found out about certain things, it hurts like hell, cuts u and leave u bleeding. Heart broken into pieces.

U know i never really had a friend i can really call best friend , be it in real or at work place. I keep most things to myself, cos i dare not trust anyone.

Sometime along the way i found a few friends whom i liked , though they had their bad points , but hey thats what friends are for, accept their good and bad points, no one is perfect but one day, this person called a friend was hurting u and my family.

Had lots of problem in marriage till i hated to see my hubby, never felt that hate b4 so much, to the extend i wanted him out of the house. Shouts quarrel is a daily routine and he seem to drift far from me.

Until my hub consulted a guy who could see things what u call that , ermm kind of like dukun,, it seemed that,, we had been put in a spell. This person whom i thought was my friend , whom i confided in, for my problems was the one who did this to me. She wanted to see me suffer, jeolousy is the reason .

I couldnt take it, nor belive it, until i went to see the man himself. Until now i couldnt bare to see her face or be close to anyone. I stay away from ppl or relatives. I didnt talk to her ever since, i couldnt !! I tried to be nice to her again but my heart couldnt bare to be hurt again and pretend nothing happened.

No body knows why i avoided her. Why i am not talking to her even though i am in the same room as her. Each time i see her, my heart hurts again. She has taken away my peace. I dont blame her but myself. i told myself that i would never trust any one ever again.

I know i need to regain back my feelings , my honour, my peace and my strength, i wont let her take away all that . What ever spell she wants to put on me, god is there to guide me and i can be strong.

I keep reminding myself so thats why i am online reading blogs , taking examples, collecting courage from readers , thinking if they can make it,, i can too.


Thank you _____, for offering ....ur.... time for me . A _______whom u dont really know. Some how i am telling u this , cos i need to get things out of my chest. Time will heal the hurt , the pain, but it will never be forgotten for the wound will leave a scar.

Warna-warna hidup ku...

Genit... Itu aku...

Kadangkala garang, kadangkala ceria, kadangkala, moody,kadangkala gedik, kadangkala membuli, ... Semua tu aku. Aku dan warna-warna hidupku...

Aku tak lagi takut untuk sendiri, tak lagi takut untuk menghadapi dunia luar, kesukaran, kepayahan atau apa jua keperihan.. Semuanya dah ku lalui dengan nikmat tersendiri.

Hari ini aku tersenyum lebar, kerana kebenaran terbongkar,tersinar dengan sendirinya. Betapa hidupku penuh warna menceriakan walau setiap detik aku diduga.

Alhamdullillah ... aku redha

Wishing

Nosy?

I am???

Frankly i have no time and room for that anymore. Im full of life and structured.

I was already in basement talking to my daughter when next call come asking me to come with him for dinner.

When i wanted to to get away of something someone carried me away lifting it from my shoulder... I feel relief and thankful for him who waited by the lobby with his smile. After quite sometimes of not seing each other, i was feeling ackward besides him, avoiding his eyes, talking to my own feelings.

Yes, i was feeling uneasy, having mood instability as i was tired for the whole of past week. I was driving to and fro PutraJaya every morning to send my niece to work. The only best thing i could to describe is the greens along the journey which lifted my bounciful mood swing towards everyone.

He was so happy yesterday having a meal opposite each other. He was telling me all the reason why he has to say something that can make me move on. Anyway to whatever reason said it does not change me just as yet.

I am fine now with or without you. With or without him. But i am not fine if i am not having HIM all the time, thinking of HIM all the time. And for sure he has never leave me even so many 'HE' is around me.
I was ligthen up by many him yesterday just coincidently to boost me up. But none really affects me the way i wanted to be. But HIM really gives me the full of love that i want by sending the so many 'him' who was trying hard to get a place.
You are welcome 'he' but i dont have a space anywhere if you want something special. You can just be here as you wish n go when you wish too. Im not going to stop nor letting you go. You stay wherever you like.

I will enjoy your attention, your affection, your love. To return it back?? i have no way to do so as for now. Not You, not Him, not He...

I just want to be me... Appreciating the time i have, loving the people i want, giving attention or time i wish to be with ... Wthout being told or without having to return what i am told to...

Wishing that the perfectness i inhale with HIM every moment would last to the last day of my existent. Amin...

Honesty and Love Anyone???

People love and hates honesty at the same time. Why because they cant find where they belongs too. Love and destiny cant get along while love acquires lots of pain but destiny acquires lots of passion. In life we can't have all at once. Its either one. I learn to accept what comes and don't ask much but always be thankful for what im given and granted. HE knows best for me, you and each and everyone....

Love is to give, to let go, to let it flow. Not just for you. You dont own anyone in life. They come, they go as and when HE wish that to happen. To love err human, bear the consequence and trouble you might loose him someday, somehow to another person or to tragedy or it could be anything. But to love HIM i would not fear HIM leaving me, HIM having scandalous affair, HIM betraying me because i know in everything i inhale i have HIM heart and soul.

I love HIM more than i love what i have in life...

Me

Just lost my phone few days ago.

After loosing a father loosing small-small things in life is nothing inclusive loosing a friend. The best i could do is pray that god always forgive all this people so that they will earn and learn more in life.

Do i feel sick about loosing? Nope except keep on missing my hero. In between my sleep i could still hear him walking, snoozing, calling me.

Life still going... the rest of the world doesnt matter to me no more. I have love thrown to me, people loving me, passionate hand dancing around me, lingering eyes still lingers around. I just want HIM to bless me always...

Amin!

Final Goodbye from My Hero

Pagi Sabtu yang hening kira-kira 3.45pg dia pergi menghembuskan nafasnya yang terakhir....

Ina redhakan pemergian abah, semuga abah ditempatkan dikalangan mereka yang soleh
Amin...

There gone my hero, who has been spending his last bit of life with me since just before Ramadhan when he called to be transferred to Hospital Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia. Spend a week in my house, 3 weeks in HUKM, few months in my house with me and kids, he bids his final farewell after fighting his next painful ear infection which affects his head badly.

Ron, Erna, mom and me was around him when he says his final shahadah and now my house is empty without man again. My brother and sisters from Sandakan managed to see him on the very last minute before he was taken to Cheras cemetary. Stayed with me few days and few memories was shared amongst us...

Al-fatihah...

Jakarta 30-2 Feb

Finally i got this. Not one but 3 pieces all the beautiful colours that i want.

Bisunya hati...

Aku ingin menanggis sepuas-sepuasnya.

Bila begini aku suka mencari kebisuan. Dingin malam, cahaya lampu, deruan angin menjadi teman yang paling akrab. Tiada teman yang akan mengerti kepedihan dan aku tidak juga suka membiarkan mereka tertanya apa yang membelenggu jika aku berada disisi mereka bersama kebisuanku.

Pena yang bergerak menari mencurahkan isi hati yang sangat rapuh, gering dan gusar. Ia hanya mengikut tarian jari yang keluar dari nurani yang menakung sekolam airmata kepedihan

Sakitnya hanya tuhan yang tahu. Dikala ini aku amat merindukan tangan yang sasa memelukku tanpa bicara. Hanya merasakan hangat aliran darah, hangatnya kasih yang terlerai melalui pelukan itu. Dan aku akan pulang dengan penuh kepuasan.

Benar sukar mencari pengertian melalui pelepasan perasaan. Tiba-tiba aku jadi rindu pada sebuah kerlingan matanya. Tiba-tiba aku terdengar "come here farm". Dengan teragak-agak aku mendekatkan diri membiarkan pelukannya menyejukan runtunan hati yang gusar.

Dan jika butiran mataku jatuh jari jemarinya akan menyeka dan membelai lembut rambutku sehingga aku tersenyum semula.

Teman, kau telah pergi jauh dariku. Amat jauh demi kerana menjaga hati dua insan yang kau sayang. Sehingga kini aku masih mengenangmu sebagai teman yang amat gentle dan passionate. Benar aku belum lagi menemui penggantimu kerana aku tidak pernah lagi membuka laluan untuk mana-mana lelaki untuk singgah bertamu dihati maupun dimata.

Cukup hanya dimata, lerek senyum ku untuk persahabatan. Tidak ada lagi seterusnya dari itu. Aku tidak mampu untuk melawan arus perasaan walau aku amat memerlukan seseorang sekarang.

Aku takut pada diriku sendiri... Aku insan yang lemah yang mendambakan kasih sayang sejati seorang insan walaupun bukan untuk sehidup semati...

Hanya tuhan yang punya jawapan itu...

Forgive me for I am wrong again...

Apakah usia mengajar insan?
The pain is crawling now. I'm feeling sombre but i should not because i know it will be coming sooner or later. And finally it seeping back enveloping deep into me.

No matter how I tried to hide or shove it away it still there. Its just that i took no notice to it and make myself busy.

Trying to tell myself to be calm all the time.

Indeed the word hurts so much and I accepted it because it was my fault. It cant never be anyone else. Because i am the one who accepted it in the first place and tried my level best to complement, try to patch in between holes.

Whatever it is the best word to say is "Ive tried the best of me to make it happen".

I accept this testament again my lord with pride and dignity because im wrong.

I am sorry for myself....

You light up My life

Women and emotions memang sukar dipisahkan. Dalam hati memang masih ada cinta yang mekar, gebu dan bergelora. Untuk anak-anak, ibu, ayah, teman seperjuangan dan mungkinkah untuk seorang lelaki? Cintakah itu?

Tetapi yang kutahu pada ketika aku hampir tersungkur tiada kekasih, ibu atau ayah yang membangunkan aku dari kesedihan dan kejatuhan. Hanya ada anak-anak dan teman yang sungguh-sungguh membuat ku membaca mata yang ingin memberi dan mengharap aku menerima huluran tangan mereka untuk memimpinku berdiri semula.

Dan yang paling indah disaatku menadah tangan dimalam yang sunyi dan hening, allah memberinya dihari esok tanpa ada syarat, tanpa ada paksaan mahupun nilai yang bisa ditukar ganti. DIA sentiasa memberi bila ku minta, cuma aku jarang meminta kerana aku ingin merasakan manisnya dugaan yang diberi walau aku tahu ia amat menyakiti pada waktu-waktu tertentu. Namun aku tetap bersyukur aku masih berdiri, tersenyum, bahagia melihat perubahan demi perubahan berlaku bila aku inginkan ianya berlaku.

Alhamdullillah aku berjaya meneruskan 2009 dan meninggalkan 2008. Banyak pahit manis yang dijadikan satu memori yang tak akan terlupakan. Banyak yang kugapai dan tidak juga kukutip kenangan yang pahit telah ku tinggalkan semalam. Walau banyak berbekas namun semangat tak akan patah kerana dugaan itu adalah kemanisan yang patut dikupas dari kepahitan kerana ia adalah pelajara yang paling baik untuk dipelajari.

Hanya sabar dan tawakkal yang dapat mengutuhkan jatidiri. 7 tahun sendirian bukanlah waktu yang singkat dan tidak jua terlalu panjang untuk diukur. Namun bukan semua insan dapat kemanisan kupasan kepahitan dan dugaan.

Aku akur, bahgia dengan kesedihan dan kepahitan namun ia mengukuhkan hati dan imanku. Ya tuhan syukur alhamdullillah.

Amin...

New Year Resolution - AKU BOLEH!

Eluding, Eloping or Scandalising

My heart is heavy again. Women and emotion cant be separated. Half of her thinking involved emotions.

The Beauties in Me, Myself and I

Who, where, when, why, what?

The 5 W's i apply in daily lives make me beautiful. And they here make my day beautifullest!!!

Pleasure Seeker

There are so many individuals that I came across through real life, virtual life who has this characteristic. I have been thinking about it a lot since I was being single again.

Between the pro and cons, it gives a lot of benefits to seekers of course depending on what they want in life.

I have all the male and female version of this value added purpose. 90% of male gender here would rather have a relationship which can give them a return in whichever way and 70% or rather 80% of the female version too would prefer something out of it.

The rest would remain in the status quo of what they want through net friends. It depends on what are the mission, aim and goals from each and everyone.

Even in reality i've found people would have their set of friendship on certain basis. They are happy to lead their life and way they are. Although some people like me would not be happy of doing those as if that using a friend for a certain issue.

Around me for e.g their are certain friends who love to just go for breakfast, shop around, travel, hangouts, movie, or be around at all time (this one i cant stand it at all but sometime it serve a purpose for a reason she/ he creates)

Yes, certain time i am one of this pleasure seeker. Coffee time partner is my favourite. It fills my boredoom sometime and they can share any topic.

But particularly im always seeking for someone who dont want to have a permanent relation, whom can come as a mirror image or some one whom i can seek for some advice, personal ideas/ views on certain things in life.

The rest remain private in me.

Money Can Buy Happiness

She called me early morning grumbling of the old man are late to the airport. All the words came from her mouth. She was angry absolutely. She was a PA, so she was well organised with timing and plan. He is a businessman, who grab things pronto or there and there basis. So two different people with two different mind as i observed over the few months of their relationship.

While mouth says something but the action says another. Obviously money can buy attention, grabbing diversifying one minds out from current problems. I smile while watching all the episodes and hoping whatever im imagining next will never happen.

But unfortunately all those do happens without you wanting it sometimes. I pray hard, and hoping it will not go far to worst as i am sensing bigger and challenging problems will happen soon.

She is gallivanting her way, and he is just gripping the moment given while at the same time hoping opportunity will come his way. Dear god, help her please, put her back in her track.

Should i say it was wrong. It doesnt take her long to be in trouble and she want an easy escapade. "I just want to get out of this place for a while". And she took the offer from him to take her to Chieng Mai. An offer for a price that will be regreted later. I hope not.

Lets hear her out after her return. Will it totally give her permanent happiness or temporary peace of mind.

I rest my case. Yes, sometime women can be so fricle minded but im sure with self discipline it helps one individual a lot...Everything is just in your mind. Who you are, what you want to be, who you becoming and why are you being you.

I like to hear your idea... Do leave me a note!

Scents of a Woman

When i was away for my company trip to Kosamui 19th to 23rd October many things happen at home. I was blocking my mind n soul not to think of the domestic problems while i was away.

Successfully it works and once i step my foot to Subang and all the thinking cap are put back in place again.

Drainage system are bad it cause my kitchen flooded on the second day. Opps no, it was somebody who forgot to put off the tap that cause the whole kitchen flooded from bathroom flowing to the door.

It was partly because the drainage was poorly manage by the maintenance. So eversince its raining daily in Kuala Lumpur and some other places during those days it has cause flooded in few place. My uncle in TTJ Seremban also facing a small Tsunami at his housing areas. Waters climbed up to 2 feet and it has caused a lot to residents. Sigh...

I managed to clear the clooged drain and everything was back to normal. I even washed my front drainage area clearing everything in sight and later it smells good again with a help of clorox and breeze.

My twins room and back door lock cant open and nobody cant help me while im away. Apparently my second daughter manage to open the middle room but not the kitchen room. So they were depending only on the front door to go in and out.

I tried calling someone to mend it and promise to come the next day but till the weekend no one is seen to be able to help. I went to the hardware shop and get a lock n ask the people on how to fix it.

This is how it was done. It was my first attempt doing this and testing my ability to be independent on almost everything in my life. Changing the bulbs, become a plumber, fixing DIY name it. Insyaallah i will try till i am successful





And its done finally!!!





I am proud and i am happy that i am able to solve all the problems in no time.

Thats what i called "Scent of a Woman". She fulfilled every desire of men wants, she fulfilled the needs in a friend, she fulfilled a criteria of a mother, daugther, bitch and she can do what man can too.

God give me the strengths and the power of mind to think, to be able to put things in place even its hard but capability and trust make me the owner of myself with his guidance.

Now with or without a man, I can live...
I know i hurt myself by saying this but what when you have someone but u cant depends on him for certain things. When we are alone, we are able to think, to handle and to beat the situation, the problem with a courage.

Thank you god. Amin

Have you watched them sleep

This one really touch me early morning reading it.




I was awaken by him calling me this morning at 4am when I heard him calling me for help. He cant breathe he said.

“My head is painful, can you get me a panadol”. Can you make me a milo and balsam to rub my chest?


I nodded making my way to the kitchen to make hot Milo and grab the Balsem and rub it on to his chest.

How I could feel its only skin and bones now instead of a decade ago was a very strong handsome man who always tried to get whatever we want.


He is my dad who now just lying in the room due his diabetic problem.


Thank you for always reminding around us for what we are and whom we should be.

KO SA MUI

Here i am, typing from one of the internet cafe to kill my boredoom over this so called hotel KANDABURI RESORT AND SPA.

The hotel room was fabulous big, spacious and authentic. For honeymooners it will be nice and cozy. The bathroom was so huge divided into three section. Bathtub corner, wc, and showering all in different corner and big mirror in the middle. Its so beautiful but its in the opposite of the road not just overlooking the ocean. Frustrating enough..... Food not so satisfying as my boss claimed!! My day was filled with just relaxing and nothing more than that.

Shopping??? Nothing to shop about. This place is more of paradise to men and also honeymooners....

Yes, i have enough rest, sleep and at least i dont get tensed up with work, with daily chores, responsibilities... but im used to it. Every morning i woke up thinking i had to send my dotters to school...

I have to more days to go... i am seriously BOREDDDDDDDDDDDDD to death. Im going to deep myself in the ocean today to have the feel of SAMUI waves.

Will write back n update with pictures.

All in all my China and Vietnam trip is the most fulfilling that i ever had