Monday, June 02, 2008
Sometimes Love Just Aint Enough
Now, I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to use you
just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you, but I don't want to be the one to cry.
And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
and I keep seeing you walk through that door.
(Chorus)
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.
Now, I could never change you, I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.
It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.
(Chorus)
And there's no way home, when it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you, where I used to lay?
And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.
Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough.
Oh, Oh, Oh, No.
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Kegetiranku...
While indulging dark chocolates with Almond and Mint Chocs, here i am writing my heart out to the mute screen and ever always available to receive any downpour or jolly good stuff.
The chocolate taste is good. Its a theraphy for emotional attack. For those whose dieting or watching the weight would not indulge in having this sinful therapy. Since my car are not allowing me to drive far away from here hence i have to just make do with whatever i can.
"Tidak bersyukurkah aku kerana tidak mahu menerima atau memahami?" Besties is pouring what ever she felt since last Friday. Now i hear only good things about her and him. Im glad when she is happy. Not wanting her to go back to her past and keep on telling her not to compare but enjoy whatever she has now while she can.
If for me i will have the benchmark of the odd numbers of months and then years and so on. Skeptical aye??? Yeah, i am. I wont deny me...
Its good to have some one who understands you very much on work, life and future. Although very much you have to be alarmed at all time as all we have are temporary.
Mine are very much stagnant as I always said. "If you don't change, I will!" And so i would not wait so much for him to call, to ask or rather to concern of my daily behaviour. Hey, for the past 6 years i am a survivor cant i not be still?
Hearing my conversation again with my new confidante.
"Orang akan rimas dengan emotional tantrum you or if you dont let people know, how would people understand you?"
Sebagai kawan atau kekasih,perlukah kita menyusahkan mereka. Ketika aku susah hati atau terlalu terdesak, segalanya akan tersungkam didalam dada sehingga terasa amat berat sekali. Namun untuk meluahkan ketika itu amat payah.
Yes, last week i managed to detach my mind from all of my friends who used to look after me. For once i tried and i am successful in doing it so much to know my ability to have them with me along with the situation.
Yes, i was so broken hearted with my family, my love ones but i did not even told anyone there n then. My children saw my eyes was glistening with tears. "Akak sygkan ibu"
She caught me pouring when she call almost midnite, i ask her why she took so long to reach me when i forgot that i have detach that emotional and mind bondage earlier. She always hear my heart out whenever i need her she would always be on the other end asking "are you ok"
Not just her few other girlfriends, yes thats the one thing i can do. Just call them from my end in the mind and they will come to line in few seconds. But never i took that opportunity to use my fren to my advantage. Never... Ill do it for the best of them to have the specialities of connecting with people.
Another question is "perlukah aku berteman?"
"Perlukah aku mempunyai lelaki didalam hidupku hanya kerana ingin memenuhi kekurangannya dan juga keperluan dirinya"
Benarkah kekurangan diriku itu akan menghimpit dan menyusahkan orang lain. Kerana itu aku tidak pernah berkejar kerumah mak kalau aku susah hati atau dihimpit masalah kewangan. Anak2 akan faham bila kalanya aku tidak ada. Aku pastikan anak2 aku cukup makan walau hanya dengan telur goreng dan kicap. Tidak juga berada di sekeliling teman2 yang lain.
Aku akan mengelak diri dari sebarang kegiatan luar rumah pada masa2 aku getir. Tahap2 kritikal amat hampir tetapi aku tetap tersenyum dan bersyukur. Semuga allah sentiasa mendengar kata hati aku walau aku bukan hambanya yang soleh namun aku akan sentiasa ingat akan DIRINYA.
Namun selagi ingatan terhadapnya tak putus selagi itu tidak akan putus pertolongan DARINYA. Cuma aku ada masalah dengan sesama insan untuk meminta kerana harga diri! Sedangkan aku tahu aku masih kuat lagi dan mampu untuk menanggung dan bekerja mengapa aku harus menyusahkan mereka sedangkan aku tak tahu sejauh mana kesusahan mereka pula.
SALAH KAH AKU?
The chocolate taste is good. Its a theraphy for emotional attack. For those whose dieting or watching the weight would not indulge in having this sinful therapy. Since my car are not allowing me to drive far away from here hence i have to just make do with whatever i can.
"Tidak bersyukurkah aku kerana tidak mahu menerima atau memahami?" Besties is pouring what ever she felt since last Friday. Now i hear only good things about her and him. Im glad when she is happy. Not wanting her to go back to her past and keep on telling her not to compare but enjoy whatever she has now while she can.
If for me i will have the benchmark of the odd numbers of months and then years and so on. Skeptical aye??? Yeah, i am. I wont deny me...
Its good to have some one who understands you very much on work, life and future. Although very much you have to be alarmed at all time as all we have are temporary.
Mine are very much stagnant as I always said. "If you don't change, I will!" And so i would not wait so much for him to call, to ask or rather to concern of my daily behaviour. Hey, for the past 6 years i am a survivor cant i not be still?
Hearing my conversation again with my new confidante.
"Orang akan rimas dengan emotional tantrum you or if you dont let people know, how would people understand you?"
Sebagai kawan atau kekasih,perlukah kita menyusahkan mereka. Ketika aku susah hati atau terlalu terdesak, segalanya akan tersungkam didalam dada sehingga terasa amat berat sekali. Namun untuk meluahkan ketika itu amat payah.
Yes, last week i managed to detach my mind from all of my friends who used to look after me. For once i tried and i am successful in doing it so much to know my ability to have them with me along with the situation.
Yes, i was so broken hearted with my family, my love ones but i did not even told anyone there n then. My children saw my eyes was glistening with tears. "Akak sygkan ibu"
She caught me pouring when she call almost midnite, i ask her why she took so long to reach me when i forgot that i have detach that emotional and mind bondage earlier. She always hear my heart out whenever i need her she would always be on the other end asking "are you ok"
Not just her few other girlfriends, yes thats the one thing i can do. Just call them from my end in the mind and they will come to line in few seconds. But never i took that opportunity to use my fren to my advantage. Never... Ill do it for the best of them to have the specialities of connecting with people.
Another question is "perlukah aku berteman?"
"Perlukah aku mempunyai lelaki didalam hidupku hanya kerana ingin memenuhi kekurangannya dan juga keperluan dirinya"
Benarkah kekurangan diriku itu akan menghimpit dan menyusahkan orang lain. Kerana itu aku tidak pernah berkejar kerumah mak kalau aku susah hati atau dihimpit masalah kewangan. Anak2 akan faham bila kalanya aku tidak ada. Aku pastikan anak2 aku cukup makan walau hanya dengan telur goreng dan kicap. Tidak juga berada di sekeliling teman2 yang lain.
Aku akan mengelak diri dari sebarang kegiatan luar rumah pada masa2 aku getir. Tahap2 kritikal amat hampir tetapi aku tetap tersenyum dan bersyukur. Semuga allah sentiasa mendengar kata hati aku walau aku bukan hambanya yang soleh namun aku akan sentiasa ingat akan DIRINYA.
Namun selagi ingatan terhadapnya tak putus selagi itu tidak akan putus pertolongan DARINYA. Cuma aku ada masalah dengan sesama insan untuk meminta kerana harga diri! Sedangkan aku tahu aku masih kuat lagi dan mampu untuk menanggung dan bekerja mengapa aku harus menyusahkan mereka sedangkan aku tak tahu sejauh mana kesusahan mereka pula.
SALAH KAH AKU?
Three things in Life...
Three things in life once gone never come back........
1. Words. 2. Opportunity.
3. Time.
Three things in life are never sure.
1. Dreams.
2. Success.
3. Fortune.
Three things in life that make you a great person.
1. Hard Work.
2. Sincerity.
3. Success.
Three things in life are most valuable..
1. Love.
2. Self respect.
3. Friends.
Three things in life must not be lost....
1. Peace
2. Hope
3. Honesty.
Three things in life that destroy a person...
1. Greed.
2. Pride.
3. Anger.
1. Words. 2. Opportunity.
3. Time.
Three things in life are never sure.
1. Dreams.
2. Success.
3. Fortune.
Three things in life that make you a great person.
1. Hard Work.
2. Sincerity.
3. Success.
Three things in life are most valuable..
1. Love.
2. Self respect.
3. Friends.
Three things in life must not be lost....
1. Peace
2. Hope
3. Honesty.
Three things in life that destroy a person...
1. Greed.
2. Pride.
3. Anger.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Bila Rasa Sudah Tiada
It was a very bz day yesterday. I was having good chat with some friends over chat and sms but not on the phone. The inner layer was soft but the outer was hard. Real cancerian with the mood swings.
Now i dont care much if he dont call or sms. Not needing to know whether i am needed or not. My last sms last night was "kekecilan hatiku adalah sangat kecil jika dibandingkan dengan kesedihan seorang isteri yang perlukan perhatian"
Siapalah aku, hanya orang ketiga yang tidak seharusnya berada disitu. Aku terlalu penat melayan karenah ingin yang mahu dilayani dan diladeni. Aku telah penat untuk memahami. Sekarang aku tak perlu sesiapa untuk memahami ku maupun aku untuk menyenangkan hati sesiapa.
I save so much in guarding my feelings and self. There is many around who trying to get their space their chances. Only thing i am keeping the space and queue accordingly. Now its open to everyone. As i always said "best man wins"
I remember someone saying "let ur openess of ur heart find it's destiny". And i know i have never been looking and i just make it open. The door to my heart is by making me see the action speaks than the words.
Progress are only number or time consumed to get the journey gets its destiny. I love a quote from Mike this morning "i think u r a friend with comandable character. I like u"
I was smiling all the way to my lunch. Having it not said also i know that my bitterness pull them away from me. I dont blame them and please dont blame me. Nothting that you do to glued me to you. No inspiration to have you tight beside me. Yes im craving for love n attention but im not a cheap bitch who will beg for love.
My place, my zone and my den are so cozy that i dont need anyone anymore till further notice. The adorable faces i always wanted to be with was my kids who always awaits for my home coming daily... God dont shove the love away from me just yet... let me have June to decide then may be you can give me
Now i dont care much if he dont call or sms. Not needing to know whether i am needed or not. My last sms last night was "kekecilan hatiku adalah sangat kecil jika dibandingkan dengan kesedihan seorang isteri yang perlukan perhatian"
Siapalah aku, hanya orang ketiga yang tidak seharusnya berada disitu. Aku terlalu penat melayan karenah ingin yang mahu dilayani dan diladeni. Aku telah penat untuk memahami. Sekarang aku tak perlu sesiapa untuk memahami ku maupun aku untuk menyenangkan hati sesiapa.
I save so much in guarding my feelings and self. There is many around who trying to get their space their chances. Only thing i am keeping the space and queue accordingly. Now its open to everyone. As i always said "best man wins"
I remember someone saying "let ur openess of ur heart find it's destiny". And i know i have never been looking and i just make it open. The door to my heart is by making me see the action speaks than the words.
Progress are only number or time consumed to get the journey gets its destiny. I love a quote from Mike this morning "i think u r a friend with comandable character. I like u"
I was smiling all the way to my lunch. Having it not said also i know that my bitterness pull them away from me. I dont blame them and please dont blame me. Nothting that you do to glued me to you. No inspiration to have you tight beside me. Yes im craving for love n attention but im not a cheap bitch who will beg for love.
My place, my zone and my den are so cozy that i dont need anyone anymore till further notice. The adorable faces i always wanted to be with was my kids who always awaits for my home coming daily... God dont shove the love away from me just yet... let me have June to decide then may be you can give me
Capricorns
Capricorn, the tenth Sign of the Zodiac, is all about hard work. Those born under this Sign are more than happy to put in a full day at the office, realizing that it will likely take a lot of those days to get to the top. That's no problem, since Capricorns are both ambitious and determined: they will get there. Life is one big project for these folks, and they adapt to this by adopting a businesslike approach to most everything they do. Capricorns are practical as well, taking things one step at a time and being as realistic and pragmatic as possible. The Capricorn-born are extremely dedicated to their goals, almost to the point of stubbornness. Boy, those victories sure smell sweet, though, and that thought alone will keep Capricorns going.
The Goat symbolizes Capricorns, and an apt mascot it is. Goats love to climb to the top of the mountain, where the air is clear and fresh. In much the same way, Capricorns want to get to the top of their chosen field so that they can reap the benefits of success; namely fame, prestige and money. Getting to the top isn't always a walk in the park, however, so it's likely that Goats will ruffle a few feathers along the way. These folks can indeed be domineering, even egotistical, on their route to the top. They'll tell you it's part of being a leader with bright new ideas (in keeping with the Cardinal Quality assigned to this Sign).
Capricorns are industrious, efficient, organized and won't make a lot of waves. They are scrupulous with details and adopt a rather conventional posture in business and in life. These folks feel best playing it safe, since this is a fail-safe way to get to the top -- eventually.
Thankfully, Capricorns are patient, too, and are happy to wait for their ship to come in. The flip side to this staid behavior is that Goats can become quite unforgiving of those who aren't as diligent or ambitious as they are. Capricorns need to remember that they do need allies along the way, ambitious or otherwise. In any case, once Capricorns receive the recognition and social status they so fervently crave, it's likely that all will be forgiven.
The Goat symbolizes Capricorns, and an apt mascot it is. Goats love to climb to the top of the mountain, where the air is clear and fresh. In much the same way, Capricorns want to get to the top of their chosen field so that they can reap the benefits of success; namely fame, prestige and money. Getting to the top isn't always a walk in the park, however, so it's likely that Goats will ruffle a few feathers along the way. These folks can indeed be domineering, even egotistical, on their route to the top. They'll tell you it's part of being a leader with bright new ideas (in keeping with the Cardinal Quality assigned to this Sign).
Capricorns are industrious, efficient, organized and won't make a lot of waves. They are scrupulous with details and adopt a rather conventional posture in business and in life. These folks feel best playing it safe, since this is a fail-safe way to get to the top -- eventually.
Thankfully, Capricorns are patient, too, and are happy to wait for their ship to come in. The flip side to this staid behavior is that Goats can become quite unforgiving of those who aren't as diligent or ambitious as they are. Capricorns need to remember that they do need allies along the way, ambitious or otherwise. In any case, once Capricorns receive the recognition and social status they so fervently crave, it's likely that all will be forgiven.
Cancerian
Cancer, the fourth Sign of the Zodiac, is all about home. Those born under this Sign are 'roots' kinds of people and take great pleasure in the comforts of home and family. Cancers are maternal, domestic and love to nurture others. More than likely, their family will be large, too -- the more, the merrier! Cancers will certainly be merry if their home life is serene and harmonious. Traditions are upheld with great zest in a Cancer's household, since these folks prize family history and love communal activities. They also tend to be patriotic, waving the flag whenever possible. A Cancer's good memory is the basis for stories told around the dinner table, and don't be surprised if these folks get emotional about things. Those born under this Sign wear their heart on their sleeve, which is just fine by them.
The mascot of Cancerians is the Crab, and much like this shelled little critter, Cancerians are quick to retreat into their shells if it suits their mood. No wonder these folks are called crabby! For Cancer, it's not that big of a deal, though, since they consider this 'shell' a second home (and they do love home). The flip side of this hiding is that shell-bound Crabs are often quite moody. Further, in keeping with their difficulty in sharing their innermost feelings, it can become a Herculean task to pry a Crab out of its secret hiding place. What to do? Give the Crab time -- eventually these folks will come out to play again. When they do, they'll be the first to say so, in keeping with the Cardinal Quality attached to this Sign. It's said that Crabs are first to laugh and first to cry, so you can bet they'll fill you in.
That shell, by the way, isn't the only tough thing about Crabs. These folks are tenacious and strong-willed and like to get their way. If their well-documented kindness and gentleness doesn't do the trick, however, they're not above using emotional manipulation to make things happen. If that still doesn't work, they'll just go back to their shell and sulk, or find a way to get back at the source of their pain, since Crabs can be rather vindictive. That said, any self-respecting Crab would tell you that they are ultimately motivated by protecting their home and loved ones, a most noble goal.
Emotional and loving
Intuitive and imaginative
Shrewd and cautious
Protective and sympathetic
On the dark side
Changeable and moody
Overemotional and touchy
Clinging and unable to let go
The mascot of Cancerians is the Crab, and much like this shelled little critter, Cancerians are quick to retreat into their shells if it suits their mood. No wonder these folks are called crabby! For Cancer, it's not that big of a deal, though, since they consider this 'shell' a second home (and they do love home). The flip side of this hiding is that shell-bound Crabs are often quite moody. Further, in keeping with their difficulty in sharing their innermost feelings, it can become a Herculean task to pry a Crab out of its secret hiding place. What to do? Give the Crab time -- eventually these folks will come out to play again. When they do, they'll be the first to say so, in keeping with the Cardinal Quality attached to this Sign. It's said that Crabs are first to laugh and first to cry, so you can bet they'll fill you in.
That shell, by the way, isn't the only tough thing about Crabs. These folks are tenacious and strong-willed and like to get their way. If their well-documented kindness and gentleness doesn't do the trick, however, they're not above using emotional manipulation to make things happen. If that still doesn't work, they'll just go back to their shell and sulk, or find a way to get back at the source of their pain, since Crabs can be rather vindictive. That said, any self-respecting Crab would tell you that they are ultimately motivated by protecting their home and loved ones, a most noble goal.
Emotional and loving
Intuitive and imaginative
Shrewd and cautious
Protective and sympathetic
On the dark side
Changeable and moody
Overemotional and touchy
Clinging and unable to let go
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Hunters
Male are hunters!!!!
The indecent proposal never stop. What do they look at a mother of 4. I remember when Din cant get back to me he come up with this "Who wants you? You are old!!! You are a women with 4 kids!!! Do you think man will like you"
I smile and walk away... Alhamdullillah... A challenge that i took that day are really sweet. It reminds me of him when the indecent proposer did not give up.
They know i never entertain those proposal, they know i will not turn up but they dont give up. What if i turn up, what if i accept it?
That will continue to be an "if" in my vocabs for now ...
Since I freed myself from a capsule of being little nice sweet me, since i dare my image in the mirror to be me, since i know what i am really looking at, that was the day i set myself free to be who I am. To have all the bad and weaknesses beaten and sliced. Although once a while i still have the old me but at least the fear is not as huge as before. What i am still lacking was confidence sometimes.
In terms of winning a man, i dont think i have to. I will only create problems as i know i wont be able to free myself so i may as well dont start.
Finally he gave up and send me a message to give my priority to my kids. Yes, and of course their my number one behind me. First of all when i address why he really wanted to see me yesterday was because he was lonely.
You have a wife, you have childrens who will make you lonely no more. Craze for attention i guess is more of the answer. If you dont ask for it, will you get it. Why do they find source instead of addressing matters. He almost married second time but when things dont work out his way he split.
Say for example i come to his way, enjoying every attention, care n pampering he gave, would my life be better? Would his be merrier?? More wives, more childrens... Hey wake up!!! More problems!!!
Because you come to me for an escapism. Running away from your loneliness, your attention crave and so on. I cant tolerate that. I want pure and simple love where you know what you want, accepting and appreciating what you do, what you want and so on...
Am i being emotional or being rationale here???? No one have the answer except me. One can judge me, read me, observe me but one dont know what am i really looking forward to. Because what i say and what i do may varies at certain time n occasion.
Be wise...
The indecent proposal never stop. What do they look at a mother of 4. I remember when Din cant get back to me he come up with this "Who wants you? You are old!!! You are a women with 4 kids!!! Do you think man will like you"
I smile and walk away... Alhamdullillah... A challenge that i took that day are really sweet. It reminds me of him when the indecent proposer did not give up.
They know i never entertain those proposal, they know i will not turn up but they dont give up. What if i turn up, what if i accept it?
That will continue to be an "if" in my vocabs for now ...
Since I freed myself from a capsule of being little nice sweet me, since i dare my image in the mirror to be me, since i know what i am really looking at, that was the day i set myself free to be who I am. To have all the bad and weaknesses beaten and sliced. Although once a while i still have the old me but at least the fear is not as huge as before. What i am still lacking was confidence sometimes.
In terms of winning a man, i dont think i have to. I will only create problems as i know i wont be able to free myself so i may as well dont start.
Finally he gave up and send me a message to give my priority to my kids. Yes, and of course their my number one behind me. First of all when i address why he really wanted to see me yesterday was because he was lonely.
You have a wife, you have childrens who will make you lonely no more. Craze for attention i guess is more of the answer. If you dont ask for it, will you get it. Why do they find source instead of addressing matters. He almost married second time but when things dont work out his way he split.
Say for example i come to his way, enjoying every attention, care n pampering he gave, would my life be better? Would his be merrier?? More wives, more childrens... Hey wake up!!! More problems!!!
Because you come to me for an escapism. Running away from your loneliness, your attention crave and so on. I cant tolerate that. I want pure and simple love where you know what you want, accepting and appreciating what you do, what you want and so on...
Am i being emotional or being rationale here???? No one have the answer except me. One can judge me, read me, observe me but one dont know what am i really looking forward to. Because what i say and what i do may varies at certain time n occasion.
Be wise...
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Life Path & Destiny....
A week ago i saw her heart fills of blossom but last sunday she told me she cant take it. Too nice, too complementing, too good to be true and too good to hurt her at the same time loving every minute of his attention.
Whatever strucks her affecting myself too. Looking at myself who has been in the same shoe for almost 3 years without looking any difference since the relation took place. What can we 'other woman' do to make them expedite the decision.
Nothing!!! and because of that slowly my trust and believability resides back to a corner of my heart. The hurt are almost have the same effect although you do it in the beginning. She is trying not to cry. She is trying not to fall and stumble because it was just started. But she is very brave to have taken that step to be rationale on the whole episode of life before it become worst.
As worst as mine...
Whatever strucks her affecting myself too. Looking at myself who has been in the same shoe for almost 3 years without looking any difference since the relation took place. What can we 'other woman' do to make them expedite the decision.
Nothing!!! and because of that slowly my trust and believability resides back to a corner of my heart. The hurt are almost have the same effect although you do it in the beginning. She is trying not to cry. She is trying not to fall and stumble because it was just started. But she is very brave to have taken that step to be rationale on the whole episode of life before it become worst.
As worst as mine...
Gem of the eyes, Jewel of the heart
Why do we get affected sometimes. Love strucks if we allow it travel from the eyes right through the heart. When the journey start, brain wont be functioning well. Mind and emotion dont speaks same language.
While we want to be rational it often end to be emotional. And most of the time we let emotions decide than the brain. While the brain is saying no and emotions doesn't let go, it hurts as much as someone just leave you abruptly without saying anything.
While reasoning sometimes takes place but emotions failed to address the matter correctly. It took a courage and willpower to address what loves got to do with it.
Ive been building my trust, comppasion and love towards men again since the fall. But i hardly found believability in finding the reasons where i need to love. What loves are all about?
Love is about giving without expecting any from the other. With that loves are sweeter than expected. How do we achieve in relationship? Indeed very subjective. We tend to love and yet get it in return to make sure what we give are in order felt.
Looking back of what had given to HIM 16 years back. 2 years being in love, 10 years living together loving him unconditionally, and 6 years leaving my live empty without a man doesnt means im out of love.
Fulfillment came from THE ALMIGHTHY giving all sorts of love i needed except man. Yes, he sent me one after another to love but in return i know i can only love but cant be loved the same way i did. When i put it a stop, when i let myself go, flowing with all the love given from family, friends, acquantaince n etc i am more happier. Why because im not expecting. When i expect the same im hurt.
Now a replacement which was build from a friendship is running on a stagnant mode. Im not wanting to have anything else now. Not even assurance that i one day will be married again. 6 years past with lots of consequences and sweetness, i am now a person who knows what i want most in life.
I can travell anytime i like, i can be with whom i like, i can read anything that catch my eyes, i can go out n listen to Shakira fast pace and sway along with the music i love to hear n relief my loneliness when it comes knocking. Yes, community are not happy the way i live my way but what the heck.
Although at time im hungry for attention and need someone just to pamper me but deep in me always alarming that attention might lead me to further kind of shit. And so i grab my car key driving alone in the midst of night finding my soul, my love and eternity. I know HE knows what i want, what i crave badly but perhaps the time has not arrived for me just yet. Patience that i build n keep has made me stronger and being survivor all this while.
Grasping my soul alone with the moonlight and starry nights always heals me, although i dont achieve anything but at least im counting the stars instead of sin. Im a human being, the craving needs hurting me day by day but at least HE hears me well. He drive me into an excellence escapade rather than being a zombie. If i cant find that in a man, at least i found that in my ownself. So i know that IM NOT ALWAYS ALONE...
He is always there for me when i need him. And to him who claimed to love me, you know words aint enuogh... I can say i love you million times but to affects you with my passion and compassion are hard. Bitterness thought me to be carefull always but vulnerability always bring me back to reality that im only human who will not runaway from mistakes.
While we want to be rational it often end to be emotional. And most of the time we let emotions decide than the brain. While the brain is saying no and emotions doesn't let go, it hurts as much as someone just leave you abruptly without saying anything.
While reasoning sometimes takes place but emotions failed to address the matter correctly. It took a courage and willpower to address what loves got to do with it.
Ive been building my trust, comppasion and love towards men again since the fall. But i hardly found believability in finding the reasons where i need to love. What loves are all about?
Love is about giving without expecting any from the other. With that loves are sweeter than expected. How do we achieve in relationship? Indeed very subjective. We tend to love and yet get it in return to make sure what we give are in order felt.
Looking back of what had given to HIM 16 years back. 2 years being in love, 10 years living together loving him unconditionally, and 6 years leaving my live empty without a man doesnt means im out of love.
Fulfillment came from THE ALMIGHTHY giving all sorts of love i needed except man. Yes, he sent me one after another to love but in return i know i can only love but cant be loved the same way i did. When i put it a stop, when i let myself go, flowing with all the love given from family, friends, acquantaince n etc i am more happier. Why because im not expecting. When i expect the same im hurt.
Now a replacement which was build from a friendship is running on a stagnant mode. Im not wanting to have anything else now. Not even assurance that i one day will be married again. 6 years past with lots of consequences and sweetness, i am now a person who knows what i want most in life.
I can travell anytime i like, i can be with whom i like, i can read anything that catch my eyes, i can go out n listen to Shakira fast pace and sway along with the music i love to hear n relief my loneliness when it comes knocking. Yes, community are not happy the way i live my way but what the heck.
Although at time im hungry for attention and need someone just to pamper me but deep in me always alarming that attention might lead me to further kind of shit. And so i grab my car key driving alone in the midst of night finding my soul, my love and eternity. I know HE knows what i want, what i crave badly but perhaps the time has not arrived for me just yet. Patience that i build n keep has made me stronger and being survivor all this while.
Grasping my soul alone with the moonlight and starry nights always heals me, although i dont achieve anything but at least im counting the stars instead of sin. Im a human being, the craving needs hurting me day by day but at least HE hears me well. He drive me into an excellence escapade rather than being a zombie. If i cant find that in a man, at least i found that in my ownself. So i know that IM NOT ALWAYS ALONE...
He is always there for me when i need him. And to him who claimed to love me, you know words aint enuogh... I can say i love you million times but to affects you with my passion and compassion are hard. Bitterness thought me to be carefull always but vulnerability always bring me back to reality that im only human who will not runaway from mistakes.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Passion
I had made myself escape to Zeta Bar last weekend while Noelle was around in KL. 3 days on the go running around town and outskirts with her and the kids was fun and tiring. Despite building muscle on my thighs and legs i still can steal time to take a nap. Was too tired. Back wee hours and then chit chating non stop, next day drooling again.
Cant explain the kind of fun i had. It only reminds me few years back when it comes to Friday all of us was already pack n planned. Once i reached home, bathed then we start the journey. Its either a night in Melaka, PD, Seremban or whichever i feel like it. Kids has no objection to it. Infact they just enjoy the journey.
I have not been visiting clubs for quite sometime. I mean good one. Zeta has really offered me peace of mind when the singer was beautiful and energetic with the kind of music i love to hear and sway with. Friday night was just spend an hour when i was only offered limited time to show my face off there.
Saturday nite was where i am, with whom i am, and what i want to be. Music ease my heart away to the top. i dont care who the clubbers are. Although i found few eyes lurking around. While having good company as well as HIM around.
Musics of the ears ease the pain of the heart.
One thing i learn was Gem of the eyes and Jewel of the heart found. Ill will elaborate more on my next blog. I have to pack home. Lazy to go for Sheraton Subang as i need to be with my kids today. Need to addressed certain things.
My next Jakarta trip in the next two weeks and still comtemplating to accept the offer of GREAT SINGAPORE Sale in June. Lets just see after my Jakarta trip.
To you readers, read with open mind and window of the heart will decide should it still through and achieved while delivering.
;-)
Cant explain the kind of fun i had. It only reminds me few years back when it comes to Friday all of us was already pack n planned. Once i reached home, bathed then we start the journey. Its either a night in Melaka, PD, Seremban or whichever i feel like it. Kids has no objection to it. Infact they just enjoy the journey.
I have not been visiting clubs for quite sometime. I mean good one. Zeta has really offered me peace of mind when the singer was beautiful and energetic with the kind of music i love to hear and sway with. Friday night was just spend an hour when i was only offered limited time to show my face off there.
Saturday nite was where i am, with whom i am, and what i want to be. Music ease my heart away to the top. i dont care who the clubbers are. Although i found few eyes lurking around. While having good company as well as HIM around.
Musics of the ears ease the pain of the heart.
One thing i learn was Gem of the eyes and Jewel of the heart found. Ill will elaborate more on my next blog. I have to pack home. Lazy to go for Sheraton Subang as i need to be with my kids today. Need to addressed certain things.
My next Jakarta trip in the next two weeks and still comtemplating to accept the offer of GREAT SINGAPORE Sale in June. Lets just see after my Jakarta trip.
To you readers, read with open mind and window of the heart will decide should it still through and achieved while delivering.
;-)
JANGAN MENIKAH KERANA....
1. Jangan menikah karena harta :
Tidak ada gunanya hidup bergelimangan harta tanpa cinta. Harta dapat datang dan pergi setiap saat. "Cinta" yang sesat dan sesaat dapat diperoleh setiap saat, tapi cinta yang sejati tidak dapat dibeli dengan harta.
2. Jangan menikah karena perasaan asmara :
Rasa tertarik, simpati, naksir, yang merupakan asmara yang sering disalah artikan sebagai cinta. Asmara itu bukan cinta. Asmara dapat cepat berubah oleh rupa, harta, tempat dan keadaan. Asmara itu buta, tidak tahan lama dan tidak tahan uji. Cinta perlu diuji dalam suka dan duka dengan mata terbuka.
3. Jangan menikah karena rupa saja :
Kecantikan yang diluar memang indah, tapi dapat luntur termakan umur. Utamakanlah kecantikan yang di dalam.
4. Jangan menikah karena iba :
lba (rasa kasihan) memang baik dan harus ada dalam hidup kita, tapi tidak boleh menjadi dasar pemikahan. Kasihan dapat habis, tapi kasih tidak berkesudahan.Dasar pernikahan adalah kasih, bukan kasihan
5. Jangan menikah untuk kepuasan sex saja :
Memang sex suci dan penting dalam hubungan suami-istri, namun tidak boleh menjadi tujuan utama dari pemikahan. Sex hanyalah salah satu bagian dari pernikahan. Orang yang hanya mengejar kenikmatan sex akan kecewa dan terjerat oleh kesusahan yang diciptakannya sendiri.
6. Jangan menikah karena paksaan keluarga :
Seorang anak harus berbakti kepada keluarga, namun tidak boleh menyerah dalam hal nikah, kalau mereka memang salah dan anda benar. Berdoalah dan berikanlah penjelasan kepada mereka, jangan dengan kekerasan.
7. Jangan menikah karena desakan usia :
Bila usia sudah menjelang senja dan rekan-rekan sudah berpasangan, orang akan mulai gelisah (terutama pada wanita). Banyak orang akhimya "asal tabrak dan sikat." Hindarilah tindakan tersebut.Sabadah dan yakinilah bahwa Tuhan sudah menyediakan yang terbaik untuk anda. Jangan takut kehabisan jatah dan kadaluarsa.
8. Jangan menikah untuk membalas jasa :
Orang yang telah berbuat baik perlu dibalas, tapi jangan dengan pernikahan. Salah satu hal lain yang tidak boleh dilupakan, dan merupakan yang terpenting adalah jangan menikah tanpa pengertian dan persiapan dengan tindakan yang nyata.
Menikahlah menurut pola rencana Tuhan
Daripada salah dan mengundang derita, lebih baik tidak menikah.
Jika tidak diteguhkan oleh Tuhan. Karena Tuhanlah yang menciptakan manusia sepasang-sepasang.
Tanpa persetujuan Tuhan, tidak mungkin manusia dapat bersatu !
Tidak ada gunanya hidup bergelimangan harta tanpa cinta. Harta dapat datang dan pergi setiap saat. "Cinta" yang sesat dan sesaat dapat diperoleh setiap saat, tapi cinta yang sejati tidak dapat dibeli dengan harta.
2. Jangan menikah karena perasaan asmara :
Rasa tertarik, simpati, naksir, yang merupakan asmara yang sering disalah artikan sebagai cinta. Asmara itu bukan cinta. Asmara dapat cepat berubah oleh rupa, harta, tempat dan keadaan. Asmara itu buta, tidak tahan lama dan tidak tahan uji. Cinta perlu diuji dalam suka dan duka dengan mata terbuka.
3. Jangan menikah karena rupa saja :
Kecantikan yang diluar memang indah, tapi dapat luntur termakan umur. Utamakanlah kecantikan yang di dalam.
4. Jangan menikah karena iba :
lba (rasa kasihan) memang baik dan harus ada dalam hidup kita, tapi tidak boleh menjadi dasar pemikahan. Kasihan dapat habis, tapi kasih tidak berkesudahan.Dasar pernikahan adalah kasih, bukan kasihan
5. Jangan menikah untuk kepuasan sex saja :
Memang sex suci dan penting dalam hubungan suami-istri, namun tidak boleh menjadi tujuan utama dari pemikahan. Sex hanyalah salah satu bagian dari pernikahan. Orang yang hanya mengejar kenikmatan sex akan kecewa dan terjerat oleh kesusahan yang diciptakannya sendiri.
6. Jangan menikah karena paksaan keluarga :
Seorang anak harus berbakti kepada keluarga, namun tidak boleh menyerah dalam hal nikah, kalau mereka memang salah dan anda benar. Berdoalah dan berikanlah penjelasan kepada mereka, jangan dengan kekerasan.
7. Jangan menikah karena desakan usia :
Bila usia sudah menjelang senja dan rekan-rekan sudah berpasangan, orang akan mulai gelisah (terutama pada wanita). Banyak orang akhimya "asal tabrak dan sikat." Hindarilah tindakan tersebut.Sabadah dan yakinilah bahwa Tuhan sudah menyediakan yang terbaik untuk anda. Jangan takut kehabisan jatah dan kadaluarsa.
8. Jangan menikah untuk membalas jasa :
Orang yang telah berbuat baik perlu dibalas, tapi jangan dengan pernikahan. Salah satu hal lain yang tidak boleh dilupakan, dan merupakan yang terpenting adalah jangan menikah tanpa pengertian dan persiapan dengan tindakan yang nyata.
Menikahlah menurut pola rencana Tuhan
Daripada salah dan mengundang derita, lebih baik tidak menikah.
Jika tidak diteguhkan oleh Tuhan. Karena Tuhanlah yang menciptakan manusia sepasang-sepasang.
Tanpa persetujuan Tuhan, tidak mungkin manusia dapat bersatu !
Friday, May 16, 2008
Self Values
How do we value ourself?? In accordance to what people think, in accordance to what our parents set for us or be it in accordance what you want in the first place.
Many of us forgets where to start first. Human tends to pleased others more in the first place than ownself. I did that before. It give me kind of satisfaction in me. What drives me in doing that? I don't know, perhaps when someone appreciate and feel happy of what we did that gives us sense of belonging and happiness.
But how long would we satisfied doing that and not having it the same way in return? Its like have a one way street, clapping with one hand and so on.
The secret of giving is never expecting a return. When expectation does not achieved it hurts ourself. At the end of the day we are being sulky.
I tried most of things i scare to do last time. Testing my strengths, patience, hatred and anger are not easy. Especially when you dont have anyone to turn to. I mean u can't shoot your friend with certain question. Like you cant ask ur husband about another man attitude, you cant ask your wife why her hands is so rough while the other lady you saw in the goldsmith shop is so smooth when you shop for her anniversary ring, and you cant ask your mom why cant she cook yummilicious like your indian neighbour.
Gathering few people thoughts about certain issue and reasoning why they think differently on the same issue makes me wonder sometimes. Why i can refuse many invitations but accepting one without objection. Why i can continue being friends or i can just ignored if they forgets. I will make few attempts to make them remember me. Once, twice, thrice and finally if theres no answer let them find me instead.
Life is more beautiful if you make it simpler. True at times i only look at it bitterly. Because i dont want to be in that shoe again. If im labelled without being analysed before further get to know session, i would just accept it.
At the end of the day people know how to make their own judgement.
Many of us forgets where to start first. Human tends to pleased others more in the first place than ownself. I did that before. It give me kind of satisfaction in me. What drives me in doing that? I don't know, perhaps when someone appreciate and feel happy of what we did that gives us sense of belonging and happiness.
But how long would we satisfied doing that and not having it the same way in return? Its like have a one way street, clapping with one hand and so on.
The secret of giving is never expecting a return. When expectation does not achieved it hurts ourself. At the end of the day we are being sulky.
I tried most of things i scare to do last time. Testing my strengths, patience, hatred and anger are not easy. Especially when you dont have anyone to turn to. I mean u can't shoot your friend with certain question. Like you cant ask ur husband about another man attitude, you cant ask your wife why her hands is so rough while the other lady you saw in the goldsmith shop is so smooth when you shop for her anniversary ring, and you cant ask your mom why cant she cook yummilicious like your indian neighbour.
Gathering few people thoughts about certain issue and reasoning why they think differently on the same issue makes me wonder sometimes. Why i can refuse many invitations but accepting one without objection. Why i can continue being friends or i can just ignored if they forgets. I will make few attempts to make them remember me. Once, twice, thrice and finally if theres no answer let them find me instead.
Life is more beautiful if you make it simpler. True at times i only look at it bitterly. Because i dont want to be in that shoe again. If im labelled without being analysed before further get to know session, i would just accept it.
At the end of the day people know how to make their own judgement.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Besties
I have a chance to go for a short trip to Jakarta last month. I was trying to get her to come with me for many times but it seems she is not interested to come. It was told to the other friends who always goes there on a good deal of fares. 4 of us went from 19th to 21st when she has something on. I was on a runnaway basis i guess when i took the offer.
Before that she send me a long email which invite my tears again of what she feels towards me, towards my action and towards the whole situation taken now. Ive been muting myself, ive been making a distance, ive been making an effort to heal myself without her noticing it.
But i know she is smart enough bcos we have been frens for more than 10 years. I know she feels me when im sobbing on my own. she always caught me crying when she is not suppose to call me that time. I believe god must have been nice to connect me with her in that way to make me smile and cheerful again.
I never want to question what i have done to her. Its very minimal to me The distant i made was to make her stronger n have more varieties of friend. With her i have grown my social networks, acquaintance, and good personal skills basically on self confidence.
She without fails always want me to look up myself high even we have differences in so many ways. Agree i cant find that quality in other friends. I cant elaborate more on that.
What makes me wanted to talk about this was because of my question last night. My last week conversation with her was highlighted in my centre of attention. Some one asked her that we have been friends for very long. Is there any chances of us liking the same person at the same time????
With that question i post her sms of her well being and when is her coming back from Swiss. Her answer continue after one another and the peak was "yes i like him bcause " "please refer next sms". From there i see her eyes glittering with joy, her heart jingling with music, flowers is blooming everywhere.
We were talking during the whole journey to KLIA about the same person. About her dinner, about the things they talked about. About how different he could be from some of them.
Perhaps when it comes to men subject we are very much sceptical about it. Why?????
From the sms ive gathered many things. After alarming my thoughts and view the danger of liking a same person. I told myself to back off. I myself dont understand why i am eargerly interested to know about the same person. When she told me that they are taking her to an occasion n taking me along, i straight away says yes. While she stil cant believe why i said yes n keep on repeating that i would back off last minute n etc.
I explained her some short n simple thoughts i have "nak keluar dengan org pun must kena dgn insticnt" Yeah, i dont simply accepted anyone invitation. Yes, im not choosy but the person must have some criteria and attention that create my temptation and i allow myself to know off. Personal trait i should say.
Now changing the interest to be more of a friend would be the best action i could do. By letting him know yesterday what makes me accepted the invitation was the first bold move ive ever done.
Yes, im known to be a bitter sweet person with thousand and one character. When other people are down n wanting others to help, I would rather be alone driving in a long drive, be on the beach letting the breeze slapping my face and blasting loud music to heal the pain im going through.
Why am i sceptical towards men, why am i bitter to any invitation of coffee tea or me issue. All the pain that i have are answerable to her. While no man can understand what woman want, there she is to sooth n calm one heart that shattered into pieces.
Now im hoping he can make her smile again while she is guarding her heart and he will make her mellow on the terms of accepting one man as and individual with their own specialities.
Yes, i do believe in that.
He has a blurry kind face that you cant predict what he is thinking but in writing a long message I already know that this person is passionate in what he is doing. (perhaps im wrong yeah) But its too early to comment further. I just want him to know he does catch my attention to know more of him, to understand his kind of manly behaviour and to be of his friend if i may have the chance.
But to my dearest friend i cant forgo more than i should have. I am thankful for the opportunity of this test and im thankful for i can accept it openly from the bottom of my heart. Yes, i want her to feel the happiness of having someone to understand her attitude, thinking and respecting her for who she is as a person.
Of all the girlfriends i have, no matter how hurt sometime her words slicing me, but she is still the nicest person i ever have in life. No, she does not know how much i appreciated her although she feels i neglected her when i was quiet in my space zone.
I never does that, she was never far away from my thoughts, its just that i want to heal the hurt i have towards her. No one understood what i have for her although i talked abt her sometime. Its hurting to know im not a good friend who doesnt know how to look after a nicest friend.
====================================================================
On the personal self of mine, the walls n barrier that i created in my heart before are hacken down for awhile but suddenly it grows up again all of a sudden after the recent commotion at home. Yes i was down, yes i was hurt but one thing i am happy although it hurted so much that ive seen mother love finally flowing.
How much can a single parent hold on to community social issue. Knowing me going early morning and come back at night, how much time would i have for my children, friends, family and others? What about myself??? Yes, malays are very sceptical but why dont they think first before they talked about it, think about and act on itt?
Anyway, i still lead my life as usual. Yes, i managed to hide all the feelings deep inside me. I managed to burried every hurts ive carry for the sake of my children. i want them to know, i want mom to know, the reason i lived today was my kids, was her, was my dad as long as i can still walk with pride and dignity.
Yes, ive done mistake in life, yes, ive neglected myself, yes, ive neglected my feeling and now i want to live being happy on only what i think after i thought of it, after i share it with certain people that i want to and people that i value.
Love please dont leave me just as yet. I still need you love to love my kids, my family, my friends and my passion...
God help me
Amin
Before that she send me a long email which invite my tears again of what she feels towards me, towards my action and towards the whole situation taken now. Ive been muting myself, ive been making a distance, ive been making an effort to heal myself without her noticing it.
But i know she is smart enough bcos we have been frens for more than 10 years. I know she feels me when im sobbing on my own. she always caught me crying when she is not suppose to call me that time. I believe god must have been nice to connect me with her in that way to make me smile and cheerful again.
I never want to question what i have done to her. Its very minimal to me The distant i made was to make her stronger n have more varieties of friend. With her i have grown my social networks, acquaintance, and good personal skills basically on self confidence.
She without fails always want me to look up myself high even we have differences in so many ways. Agree i cant find that quality in other friends. I cant elaborate more on that.
What makes me wanted to talk about this was because of my question last night. My last week conversation with her was highlighted in my centre of attention. Some one asked her that we have been friends for very long. Is there any chances of us liking the same person at the same time????
With that question i post her sms of her well being and when is her coming back from Swiss. Her answer continue after one another and the peak was "yes i like him bcause " "please refer next sms". From there i see her eyes glittering with joy, her heart jingling with music, flowers is blooming everywhere.
We were talking during the whole journey to KLIA about the same person. About her dinner, about the things they talked about. About how different he could be from some of them.
Perhaps when it comes to men subject we are very much sceptical about it. Why?????
From the sms ive gathered many things. After alarming my thoughts and view the danger of liking a same person. I told myself to back off. I myself dont understand why i am eargerly interested to know about the same person. When she told me that they are taking her to an occasion n taking me along, i straight away says yes. While she stil cant believe why i said yes n keep on repeating that i would back off last minute n etc.
I explained her some short n simple thoughts i have "nak keluar dengan org pun must kena dgn insticnt" Yeah, i dont simply accepted anyone invitation. Yes, im not choosy but the person must have some criteria and attention that create my temptation and i allow myself to know off. Personal trait i should say.
Now changing the interest to be more of a friend would be the best action i could do. By letting him know yesterday what makes me accepted the invitation was the first bold move ive ever done.
Yes, im known to be a bitter sweet person with thousand and one character. When other people are down n wanting others to help, I would rather be alone driving in a long drive, be on the beach letting the breeze slapping my face and blasting loud music to heal the pain im going through.
Why am i sceptical towards men, why am i bitter to any invitation of coffee tea or me issue. All the pain that i have are answerable to her. While no man can understand what woman want, there she is to sooth n calm one heart that shattered into pieces.
Now im hoping he can make her smile again while she is guarding her heart and he will make her mellow on the terms of accepting one man as and individual with their own specialities.
Yes, i do believe in that.
He has a blurry kind face that you cant predict what he is thinking but in writing a long message I already know that this person is passionate in what he is doing. (perhaps im wrong yeah) But its too early to comment further. I just want him to know he does catch my attention to know more of him, to understand his kind of manly behaviour and to be of his friend if i may have the chance.
But to my dearest friend i cant forgo more than i should have. I am thankful for the opportunity of this test and im thankful for i can accept it openly from the bottom of my heart. Yes, i want her to feel the happiness of having someone to understand her attitude, thinking and respecting her for who she is as a person.
Of all the girlfriends i have, no matter how hurt sometime her words slicing me, but she is still the nicest person i ever have in life. No, she does not know how much i appreciated her although she feels i neglected her when i was quiet in my space zone.
I never does that, she was never far away from my thoughts, its just that i want to heal the hurt i have towards her. No one understood what i have for her although i talked abt her sometime. Its hurting to know im not a good friend who doesnt know how to look after a nicest friend.
====================================================================
On the personal self of mine, the walls n barrier that i created in my heart before are hacken down for awhile but suddenly it grows up again all of a sudden after the recent commotion at home. Yes i was down, yes i was hurt but one thing i am happy although it hurted so much that ive seen mother love finally flowing.
How much can a single parent hold on to community social issue. Knowing me going early morning and come back at night, how much time would i have for my children, friends, family and others? What about myself??? Yes, malays are very sceptical but why dont they think first before they talked about it, think about and act on itt?
Anyway, i still lead my life as usual. Yes, i managed to hide all the feelings deep inside me. I managed to burried every hurts ive carry for the sake of my children. i want them to know, i want mom to know, the reason i lived today was my kids, was her, was my dad as long as i can still walk with pride and dignity.
Yes, ive done mistake in life, yes, ive neglected myself, yes, ive neglected my feeling and now i want to live being happy on only what i think after i thought of it, after i share it with certain people that i want to and people that i value.
Love please dont leave me just as yet. I still need you love to love my kids, my family, my friends and my passion...
God help me
Amin
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
No String
I was posed with a question "what do u think of no strings attached relationship?"
So far my answer is always no. i dont believe in relations without feelings and emotions. That's not relationship. That is only way of an escapism to have someone to attend to you without understanding her feelings.
They want their needs and wants to be heard but they arent hearing what you want.
Why do they think women are cheap? Because some women shows that trait.
Monday, April 07, 2008
Repost from MySpace :Young, Single and Bachelor
Mood:Freaking Raunchy
“Daripada I beri you duit beli telefon, lebih baik I beri you duit beli cincin. Kita kawin lagi bagus luv”. I just laugh and stifle at the screen. He is still trying. He gave up once. When theres many outings in groups for drinks, snooker and music over pub. When one day I came with Zahar to one of our frens stalls in gombak, he kind of slowed down chatting with me and become quiet after that.
Well I told everyone very clear, im not looking for a mate, boyfriend or husband in net. I was just looking for friend and extending my networking. I don’t have hidden agenda. Im not an opportunist nor a seeker of one attention. You came knocking, I’ll welcome you. You have reason to be here? So do I, but my clear reason is stated. Besides that im an open book, and as clear as crystal. I have nothing to hide, nor looking for something to fill in the gap. Basically I have you as friend just to fill in the blanks, to tone down the stress due to my bz job and exchange views and opinion. Besides questioning to prove the survey we did is right on track. Which was always successful.
There will be many reason why I avoid young and bachelor male. Its not going to be fair to him, his parents or his future. I will age, I am a mother and I have commitment. I wont have all the time in the world to breed his children is one big reason. At this age considering about my health is more important. I know god knows better but its not wrong to consider his age and my age at this moment. He is at the peak of his sex life and im going to be menopause soon. When he is back like an adult to enjoy life and being successful, im already at the edge of waiting for time to perform my haj and waiting for my creator to invite me back in his den.
Next reason, being a mother of four will always taking all my time to fulfill their wants and needs. I would love to give them the best and will not consider to add another cluster to be divided amongst them. That fair enough or perhaps not now while they need the best attention of me. It’s a no no fullstop!! That’s my wish as for now.
My commitment to my children as I made the vow when I accepted my first marriage was to take care of the zuriat that given by HIM in my hand. That was carried by me for 9 months and 9 days. To be taken care of till the day they can manage themselves one day, insyaallah.
Many men came. Some are pure seeking for companion, some are just seeking for bed partner and some was just pure looking for friendship. I accept them as it is. But to be accepted in my life like Zahar was far away from my thoughts. How did I fall? How I take that in my box of life? I don’t know. I don’t wish to take the headache again of manipulating myself, life and mind to create a space, place and piece of heart for any at the moment.
Cant say anything much because god knows better for me tomorrow. HE granted one but he take it back. HE lend me one but just for a test he said and then HE decided its not suitable for me and HE send another woman for him. Now im glad that my ex has gotten himself a girlfriend which now means I can be his friend who listen or even talk to him like old days. As for the sake of our children we come to a mutual term that we talk should the subject need to be shared. Ive seen him smiling more sweeter while talking to me. That’s what I want. Not someone yelling, accusing or harassing. He has become the most handsome person I know 13 years ago again with his smile. I have run away from the first topic.
Back to my story, I am thinking fairly as his mother would rather have single female to be the partner of her son. Which can be shared of with them when they are old. To grant them many grandchildren if possible. Every mom would want the best for their children which I respect them. It same goes to my mom too. She has been different lately. More sensitive to what I feel and need. Im glad patience is always the key to succeed and god always listen if you ask HIM passionately. Im glad HE did. Alhamdullillah.
Or I have this in my raunchy mind since I was married. Why don’t my husband find another woman and marry her so that I have a space for myself sometime. He can spend his time with another woman of his choice and its legal. I did ask him to find one. But he refused. “I have you, why should I need another one”. I fulfill every needs that he want. I cater time, space and everything in between my bz time as a mother, daughter, friend, niece, employee and importantly as a wife.
In my tired day, I never failed to smile, laughed, giggled with my colleagues, friends, relative, childrens and him. Was I missing those days? Practically im still the same. Its just the lack of a husband. Other than that? None.
Widi make me laugh yesterday out of my sleepy mood. He was telling his experience in the hospital. Besides taking the pain he has live entertainment and we shared that last nite over tea and nasi lemak.
Nina was laughing non stop, but arip was so cool, perhaps he was tired. Chelli pulak giggling je. Hmmm missed out some one there. She is in penang for an assignment. I receive beautiful photos earlier from rose and reposted the “GIRLS DAY OUTING”. The colours of ME was really nice n turns out well.
Why aren’t us taking picture when the adventure explored. It will be next. Mind was raging with ideas of stomping my feet to Orchard road soon. Rom is tempting me to go with her. Besides those beautiful ladies is waiting to have me there. Would I then see many people on the street still. Would I be pissed to see them romping on the road? Im still thinking, I would just hop a bus from Melaka and get straight to Lion City. I missed Merlion on my first visit. I want to make sure Im gonna take pics from there. I have about S$800 still in hand which I hardly used on my first visit. 4 tshirts, 2 fridge magnet n some other few items. Not even S$200 finish.
Boss please grant me a leave. I want to please myself this time. Walking, rambling, wondering, taking pictures, meeting people and have hell out of fun. It would be fun for me. Rom cant wait for the answer. So do I. God please let me have this wish. Grant me another mercy please.
But deep in there an itch question, will I meet roslinah on the street. Shit! Whenever heart is saying something, im sure somehow it will be happening.
Im gonna ask boss again. I will have to go, and I want to make it happen. Suddenly the visual of the lingering eyes popping. With the smile of course. Argh go away mister sexy smile, I aint needing you here. But the memories are welcome. *sigh*.
The lingering eyes wont go. I have to go, so that the eyes will reside my bedside.
Tomorrow I will ramble about the married man decent proposal. Will I consider that? I will have to seek for an answer with Istikharah again. Insyaallah, will meet again friends. Till then, sweet dreams.
“Daripada I beri you duit beli telefon, lebih baik I beri you duit beli cincin. Kita kawin lagi bagus luv”. I just laugh and stifle at the screen. He is still trying. He gave up once. When theres many outings in groups for drinks, snooker and music over pub. When one day I came with Zahar to one of our frens stalls in gombak, he kind of slowed down chatting with me and become quiet after that.
Well I told everyone very clear, im not looking for a mate, boyfriend or husband in net. I was just looking for friend and extending my networking. I don’t have hidden agenda. Im not an opportunist nor a seeker of one attention. You came knocking, I’ll welcome you. You have reason to be here? So do I, but my clear reason is stated. Besides that im an open book, and as clear as crystal. I have nothing to hide, nor looking for something to fill in the gap. Basically I have you as friend just to fill in the blanks, to tone down the stress due to my bz job and exchange views and opinion. Besides questioning to prove the survey we did is right on track. Which was always successful.
There will be many reason why I avoid young and bachelor male. Its not going to be fair to him, his parents or his future. I will age, I am a mother and I have commitment. I wont have all the time in the world to breed his children is one big reason. At this age considering about my health is more important. I know god knows better but its not wrong to consider his age and my age at this moment. He is at the peak of his sex life and im going to be menopause soon. When he is back like an adult to enjoy life and being successful, im already at the edge of waiting for time to perform my haj and waiting for my creator to invite me back in his den.
Next reason, being a mother of four will always taking all my time to fulfill their wants and needs. I would love to give them the best and will not consider to add another cluster to be divided amongst them. That fair enough or perhaps not now while they need the best attention of me. It’s a no no fullstop!! That’s my wish as for now.
My commitment to my children as I made the vow when I accepted my first marriage was to take care of the zuriat that given by HIM in my hand. That was carried by me for 9 months and 9 days. To be taken care of till the day they can manage themselves one day, insyaallah.
Many men came. Some are pure seeking for companion, some are just seeking for bed partner and some was just pure looking for friendship. I accept them as it is. But to be accepted in my life like Zahar was far away from my thoughts. How did I fall? How I take that in my box of life? I don’t know. I don’t wish to take the headache again of manipulating myself, life and mind to create a space, place and piece of heart for any at the moment.
Cant say anything much because god knows better for me tomorrow. HE granted one but he take it back. HE lend me one but just for a test he said and then HE decided its not suitable for me and HE send another woman for him. Now im glad that my ex has gotten himself a girlfriend which now means I can be his friend who listen or even talk to him like old days. As for the sake of our children we come to a mutual term that we talk should the subject need to be shared. Ive seen him smiling more sweeter while talking to me. That’s what I want. Not someone yelling, accusing or harassing. He has become the most handsome person I know 13 years ago again with his smile. I have run away from the first topic.
Back to my story, I am thinking fairly as his mother would rather have single female to be the partner of her son. Which can be shared of with them when they are old. To grant them many grandchildren if possible. Every mom would want the best for their children which I respect them. It same goes to my mom too. She has been different lately. More sensitive to what I feel and need. Im glad patience is always the key to succeed and god always listen if you ask HIM passionately. Im glad HE did. Alhamdullillah.
Or I have this in my raunchy mind since I was married. Why don’t my husband find another woman and marry her so that I have a space for myself sometime. He can spend his time with another woman of his choice and its legal. I did ask him to find one. But he refused. “I have you, why should I need another one”. I fulfill every needs that he want. I cater time, space and everything in between my bz time as a mother, daughter, friend, niece, employee and importantly as a wife.
In my tired day, I never failed to smile, laughed, giggled with my colleagues, friends, relative, childrens and him. Was I missing those days? Practically im still the same. Its just the lack of a husband. Other than that? None.
Widi make me laugh yesterday out of my sleepy mood. He was telling his experience in the hospital. Besides taking the pain he has live entertainment and we shared that last nite over tea and nasi lemak.
Nina was laughing non stop, but arip was so cool, perhaps he was tired. Chelli pulak giggling je. Hmmm missed out some one there. She is in penang for an assignment. I receive beautiful photos earlier from rose and reposted the “GIRLS DAY OUTING”. The colours of ME was really nice n turns out well.
Why aren’t us taking picture when the adventure explored. It will be next. Mind was raging with ideas of stomping my feet to Orchard road soon. Rom is tempting me to go with her. Besides those beautiful ladies is waiting to have me there. Would I then see many people on the street still. Would I be pissed to see them romping on the road? Im still thinking, I would just hop a bus from Melaka and get straight to Lion City. I missed Merlion on my first visit. I want to make sure Im gonna take pics from there. I have about S$800 still in hand which I hardly used on my first visit. 4 tshirts, 2 fridge magnet n some other few items. Not even S$200 finish.
Boss please grant me a leave. I want to please myself this time. Walking, rambling, wondering, taking pictures, meeting people and have hell out of fun. It would be fun for me. Rom cant wait for the answer. So do I. God please let me have this wish. Grant me another mercy please.
But deep in there an itch question, will I meet roslinah on the street. Shit! Whenever heart is saying something, im sure somehow it will be happening.
Im gonna ask boss again. I will have to go, and I want to make it happen. Suddenly the visual of the lingering eyes popping. With the smile of course. Argh go away mister sexy smile, I aint needing you here. But the memories are welcome. *sigh*.
The lingering eyes wont go. I have to go, so that the eyes will reside my bedside.
Tomorrow I will ramble about the married man decent proposal. Will I consider that? I will have to seek for an answer with Istikharah again. Insyaallah, will meet again friends. Till then, sweet dreams.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Mind Boggling
Sukarnya untuk menjadi diri sendirikan... kadang2 kita terpaksa menipu walaupun kita tak mahu demi menjaga hati orang keliling. Dah lama aku tak menanggis...
Aku tidak lagi merasa sedih. Aku sebenarnya bahagia. Ada insan yang melayan jiwaku dengan sabar. Dulu lawanku yang selalu buat kerenah tetapi sekarang aku... aku yang ingin merasakan kelainan... merasakan diri dilayan, disayang dan segala yang ku perlukan.
Cuma yang satu aku masih tetap disitu.......
Aku tidak lagi merasa sedih. Aku sebenarnya bahagia. Ada insan yang melayan jiwaku dengan sabar. Dulu lawanku yang selalu buat kerenah tetapi sekarang aku... aku yang ingin merasakan kelainan... merasakan diri dilayan, disayang dan segala yang ku perlukan.
Cuma yang satu aku masih tetap disitu.......
Thursday, March 13, 2008
School Holiday
Mood: Fresh
I was away since Sunday to the beach. The place i always long to be. I was feeling good to be back to the place that soothe and calm me emotionally and physically. I feel fresh, beautiful and radiant.
Simply because I got to cook for my children before we take off and take few things with us to eat during the outings.
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Respect
Mood: Bitchy
How deep is your understanding when you say you know your best friend, girl friend or boy friend.
Some people claim they are a good friend to their friend but they can't give their advice and opinions. Respectful friends will listen and hear out the pro and cons but will decide according to what they feel and think. And as a good friend or someone close to her/ him would respect what ever her/ his decision taken by her/him.
"You are attracted to me Lyenna?" I was asked...
"I like you, attracted ermm... nope!"
"you dont have to be nice, just say it" he replied
"i just said what i feel, nothing more nor less"
and the conversation continues and make me feel cornered to the point i have to tell him.
"you know what, Ive been nice to you all this while becoz i care abt people feelings but now i have to tell you this.... "
"i hate being pushed and you are one of them, so with that excused given to you all this while was the answer of why i never agree to any date, appoinment or saying yes when R asked me to come for dinner with you"
"you want me to be blunt? There you go. I'll go or say yes to anyone i like or feel comfortable with and it depends on when and how my moods are"
They dont have to be handsome or pretty to be with me, they can enjoy all night long sharing tales and story if i feel i want to grant my precious time. But since you want me to follow and suit you i guess i have problems with that. Not just you! Its anyone.
I have my own priority and its my prerogative on how i should manage it. I know i've been running away. I dont mind making friends but i mind when that friends have something beyond. Im sorry i cant entertain that.
Relationship put me in a lots of difficulties and emotional swing. I just want the shortcuts or the highway which is long but smooth, meaning be friend but not emotion bondage. Scared, yes i am. Fall? Yes, i can easily because of my vulnerability. Hence, i avoid being in one. I just want what i want now. Nothing more, nothing less.
I am in a middle of something. I would just give myself few more months and then ill decide which path suits me best...
I know i want something to hold on but if that person cant open the umbrella wide then i cant force anything into his nor mine. I let the flow brings me where i should be. I wont be stressing myself again to hurt me. No more!
I just enjoy the attention, enjoy they pampering me, enjoy them being around me, but please dont come near, ill fly again like a bird. Once i get myself bored at certain place i'll fly again further or back to the same place i 've been. I like it, I stay longer, I dont, i'll move on again.
What stays?? Treasure of a friendship, you can be there for it then be there. You can't, you have a choice. Dont waste it. Yes life is short. I do it my way...
How deep is your understanding when you say you know your best friend, girl friend or boy friend.
Some people claim they are a good friend to their friend but they can't give their advice and opinions. Respectful friends will listen and hear out the pro and cons but will decide according to what they feel and think. And as a good friend or someone close to her/ him would respect what ever her/ his decision taken by her/him.
"You are attracted to me Lyenna?" I was asked...
"I like you, attracted ermm... nope!"
"you dont have to be nice, just say it" he replied
"i just said what i feel, nothing more nor less"
and the conversation continues and make me feel cornered to the point i have to tell him.
"you know what, Ive been nice to you all this while becoz i care abt people feelings but now i have to tell you this.... "
"i hate being pushed and you are one of them, so with that excused given to you all this while was the answer of why i never agree to any date, appoinment or saying yes when R asked me to come for dinner with you"
"you want me to be blunt? There you go. I'll go or say yes to anyone i like or feel comfortable with and it depends on when and how my moods are"
They dont have to be handsome or pretty to be with me, they can enjoy all night long sharing tales and story if i feel i want to grant my precious time. But since you want me to follow and suit you i guess i have problems with that. Not just you! Its anyone.
I have my own priority and its my prerogative on how i should manage it. I know i've been running away. I dont mind making friends but i mind when that friends have something beyond. Im sorry i cant entertain that.
Relationship put me in a lots of difficulties and emotional swing. I just want the shortcuts or the highway which is long but smooth, meaning be friend but not emotion bondage. Scared, yes i am. Fall? Yes, i can easily because of my vulnerability. Hence, i avoid being in one. I just want what i want now. Nothing more, nothing less.
I am in a middle of something. I would just give myself few more months and then ill decide which path suits me best...
I know i want something to hold on but if that person cant open the umbrella wide then i cant force anything into his nor mine. I let the flow brings me where i should be. I wont be stressing myself again to hurt me. No more!
I just enjoy the attention, enjoy they pampering me, enjoy them being around me, but please dont come near, ill fly again like a bird. Once i get myself bored at certain place i'll fly again further or back to the same place i 've been. I like it, I stay longer, I dont, i'll move on again.
What stays?? Treasure of a friendship, you can be there for it then be there. You can't, you have a choice. Dont waste it. Yes life is short. I do it my way...
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Reasons to love a Woman
Category: Life
You can feel her CARE in a form of a Sister
You can feel her WARMTH in a form of a Friend
You can feel her PASSION in a form of a Beloved
You can feel her DEDICATION in a form of a Wife
You can feel her DIVINITY in a form of a Mother
You can feel her BLESSINGS in a form of a Grandmother
Yet she is so Tough too...
Her heart is so Tender...
So Naughty...
So Charming...
So Sharing...
So Melodious...
She is a Woman...
She is Life...
RESPECT HER
You can feel her CARE in a form of a Sister
You can feel her WARMTH in a form of a Friend
You can feel her PASSION in a form of a Beloved
You can feel her DEDICATION in a form of a Wife
You can feel her DIVINITY in a form of a Mother
You can feel her BLESSINGS in a form of a Grandmother
Yet she is so Tough too...
Her heart is so Tender...
So Naughty...
So Charming...
So Sharing...
So Melodious...
She is a Woman...
She is Life...
RESPECT HER
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