Besties

I have a chance to go for a short trip to Jakarta last month. I was trying to get her to come with me for many times but it seems she is not interested to come. It was told to the other friends who always goes there on a good deal of fares. 4 of us went from 19th to 21st when she has something on. I was on a runnaway basis i guess when i took the offer.



Before that she send me a long email which invite my tears again of what she feels towards me, towards my action and towards the whole situation taken now. Ive been muting myself, ive been making a distance, ive been making an effort to heal myself without her noticing it.



But i know she is smart enough bcos we have been frens for more than 10 years. I know she feels me when im sobbing on my own. she always caught me crying when she is not suppose to call me that time. I believe god must have been nice to connect me with her in that way to make me smile and cheerful again.



I never want to question what i have done to her. Its very minimal to me The distant i made was to make her stronger n have more varieties of friend. With her i have grown my social networks, acquaintance, and good personal skills basically on self confidence.



She without fails always want me to look up myself high even we have differences in so many ways. Agree i cant find that quality in other friends. I cant elaborate more on that.



What makes me wanted to talk about this was because of my question last night. My last week conversation with her was highlighted in my centre of attention. Some one asked her that we have been friends for very long. Is there any chances of us liking the same person at the same time????



With that question i post her sms of her well being and when is her coming back from Swiss. Her answer continue after one another and the peak was "yes i like him bcause " "please refer next sms". From there i see her eyes glittering with joy, her heart jingling with music, flowers is blooming everywhere.



We were talking during the whole journey to KLIA about the same person. About her dinner, about the things they talked about. About how different he could be from some of them.

Perhaps when it comes to men subject we are very much sceptical about it. Why?????



From the sms ive gathered many things. After alarming my thoughts and view the danger of liking a same person. I told myself to back off. I myself dont understand why i am eargerly interested to know about the same person. When she told me that they are taking her to an occasion n taking me along, i straight away says yes. While she stil cant believe why i said yes n keep on repeating that i would back off last minute n etc.



I explained her some short n simple thoughts i have "nak keluar dengan org pun must kena dgn insticnt" Yeah, i dont simply accepted anyone invitation. Yes, im not choosy but the person must have some criteria and attention that create my temptation and i allow myself to know off. Personal trait i should say.



Now changing the interest to be more of a friend would be the best action i could do. By letting him know yesterday what makes me accepted the invitation was the first bold move ive ever done.



Yes, im known to be a bitter sweet person with thousand and one character. When other people are down n wanting others to help, I would rather be alone driving in a long drive, be on the beach letting the breeze slapping my face and blasting loud music to heal the pain im going through.



Why am i sceptical towards men, why am i bitter to any invitation of coffee tea or me issue. All the pain that i have are answerable to her. While no man can understand what woman want, there she is to sooth n calm one heart that shattered into pieces.



Now im hoping he can make her smile again while she is guarding her heart and he will make her mellow on the terms of accepting one man as and individual with their own specialities.



Yes, i do believe in that.

He has a blurry kind face that you cant predict what he is thinking but in writing a long message I already know that this person is passionate in what he is doing. (perhaps im wrong yeah) But its too early to comment further. I just want him to know he does catch my attention to know more of him, to understand his kind of manly behaviour and to be of his friend if i may have the chance.



But to my dearest friend i cant forgo more than i should have. I am thankful for the opportunity of this test and im thankful for i can accept it openly from the bottom of my heart. Yes, i want her to feel the happiness of having someone to understand her attitude, thinking and respecting her for who she is as a person.



Of all the girlfriends i have, no matter how hurt sometime her words slicing me, but she is still the nicest person i ever have in life. No, she does not know how much i appreciated her although she feels i neglected her when i was quiet in my space zone.

I never does that, she was never far away from my thoughts, its just that i want to heal the hurt i have towards her. No one understood what i have for her although i talked abt her sometime. Its hurting to know im not a good friend who doesnt know how to look after a nicest friend.



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On the personal self of mine, the walls n barrier that i created in my heart before are hacken down for awhile but suddenly it grows up again all of a sudden after the recent commotion at home. Yes i was down, yes i was hurt but one thing i am happy although it hurted so much that ive seen mother love finally flowing.



How much can a single parent hold on to community social issue. Knowing me going early morning and come back at night, how much time would i have for my children, friends, family and others? What about myself??? Yes, malays are very sceptical but why dont they think first before they talked about it, think about and act on itt?



Anyway, i still lead my life as usual. Yes, i managed to hide all the feelings deep inside me. I managed to burried every hurts ive carry for the sake of my children. i want them to know, i want mom to know, the reason i lived today was my kids, was her, was my dad as long as i can still walk with pride and dignity.



Yes, ive done mistake in life, yes, ive neglected myself, yes, ive neglected my feeling and now i want to live being happy on only what i think after i thought of it, after i share it with certain people that i want to and people that i value.



Love please dont leave me just as yet. I still need you love to love my kids, my family, my friends and my passion...



God help me

Amin