Kegetiranku...

While indulging dark chocolates with Almond and Mint Chocs, here i am writing my heart out to the mute screen and ever always available to receive any downpour or jolly good stuff.

The chocolate taste is good. Its a theraphy for emotional attack. For those whose dieting or watching the weight would not indulge in having this sinful therapy. Since my car are not allowing me to drive far away from here hence i have to just make do with whatever i can.


"Tidak bersyukurkah aku kerana tidak mahu menerima atau memahami?" Besties is pouring what ever she felt since last Friday. Now i hear only good things about her and him. Im glad when she is happy. Not wanting her to go back to her past and keep on telling her not to compare but enjoy whatever she has now while she can.

If for me i will have the benchmark of the odd numbers of months and then years and so on. Skeptical aye??? Yeah, i am. I wont deny me...

Its good to have some one who understands you very much on work, life and future. Although very much you have to be alarmed at all time as all we have are temporary.

Mine are very much stagnant as I always said. "If you don't change, I will!" And so i would not wait so much for him to call, to ask or rather to concern of my daily behaviour. Hey, for the past 6 years i am a survivor cant i not be still?

Hearing my conversation again with my new confidante.
"Orang akan rimas dengan emotional tantrum you or if you dont let people know, how would people understand you?"

Sebagai kawan atau kekasih,perlukah kita menyusahkan mereka. Ketika aku susah hati atau terlalu terdesak, segalanya akan tersungkam didalam dada sehingga terasa amat berat sekali. Namun untuk meluahkan ketika itu amat payah.

Yes, last week i managed to detach my mind from all of my friends who used to look after me. For once i tried and i am successful in doing it so much to know my ability to have them with me along with the situation.

Yes, i was so broken hearted with my family, my love ones but i did not even told anyone there n then. My children saw my eyes was glistening with tears. "Akak sygkan ibu"

She caught me pouring when she call almost midnite, i ask her why she took so long to reach me when i forgot that i have detach that emotional and mind bondage earlier. She always hear my heart out whenever i need her she would always be on the other end asking "are you ok"

Not just her few other girlfriends, yes thats the one thing i can do. Just call them from my end in the mind and they will come to line in few seconds. But never i took that opportunity to use my fren to my advantage. Never... Ill do it for the best of them to have the specialities of connecting with people.

Another question is "perlukah aku berteman?"
"Perlukah aku mempunyai lelaki didalam hidupku hanya kerana ingin memenuhi kekurangannya dan juga keperluan dirinya"

Benarkah kekurangan diriku itu akan menghimpit dan menyusahkan orang lain. Kerana itu aku tidak pernah berkejar kerumah mak kalau aku susah hati atau dihimpit masalah kewangan. Anak2 akan faham bila kalanya aku tidak ada. Aku pastikan anak2 aku cukup makan walau hanya dengan telur goreng dan kicap. Tidak juga berada di sekeliling teman2 yang lain.

Aku akan mengelak diri dari sebarang kegiatan luar rumah pada masa2 aku getir. Tahap2 kritikal amat hampir tetapi aku tetap tersenyum dan bersyukur. Semuga allah sentiasa mendengar kata hati aku walau aku bukan hambanya yang soleh namun aku akan sentiasa ingat akan DIRINYA.

Namun selagi ingatan terhadapnya tak putus selagi itu tidak akan putus pertolongan DARINYA. Cuma aku ada masalah dengan sesama insan untuk meminta kerana harga diri! Sedangkan aku tahu aku masih kuat lagi dan mampu untuk menanggung dan bekerja mengapa aku harus menyusahkan mereka sedangkan aku tak tahu sejauh mana kesusahan mereka pula.

SALAH KAH AKU?