PMS

Current mood: angry
Category: MySpace / MyDen/ MyZone

Penna: Lynna
Released : 270206
Mood: Roaring with flame

I was quiet, due to my tiredness yesterday I guess. Headache, temperature of my body goes up by evening, plus the heat from the weather really makes me worn. A day in Nilai to be an advisor to my cousin upcoming wedding in May really ties me down. The chance to meet my aunt and the rest of the cousins was overwhelming at first. But eventually worn off by the heat of the sunny weather and sticky feeling as we browse along one to another shop looking for the right materials and concept. Whenever question asked it was like the "donno" answer likely to be heard, by few hours later I was really pissed and walk back to my car to get some refreshment and catch hold of a conversation.

When the sweat is gone I join them back and decision was made later without much noise. Ani, Nurul, Tuty and me keep on teasing and joking while aunt was just intercepting whenever needed. The long haul of me not being with them never creates and iceberg in our relations amongst us. We are still as naughty as we are before. We still can enjoy a joke, laughter, story and whatever. By the time everything finalized it was already like 6.30pm when my dad called to ask what time I can reach home because he wanted to use the car.

With that I don't have much time to wait longer not coming with them to hang around. I cant stand the sticky feeling and the humid weather anymore. All I need was a long bath under the cold shower to freshen up my body and mind. Solely…

Ita said her mother was sick. I was just listening… without saying anything…

My mind is thinking of so many thing… My stubbornness have not allowed me to be back in Tg Dahan just as yet. As hard as they can be to me and that's what they are getting… As much as they can be softer to me, as much of the kindness and passionate I would be in return…

Yeah, I was never cruel to anyone, but you have already challenging me to the utmost ultimate level that I cant stand it anymore… where I just have to be myself and think whats the best for me and my children and eventually they learn their lesson. And so do i……

A time will come where all will be laid out one by one… Like it or not everyone has to take it and swallow it… yes, thorn, poisonous, or be it sweet or gentle, ill leave it to the time when it comes…

Now, especially morning I was very moody… damned this feeling. PMS I should say besides after the blood sample taken last Friday I was always feeling dizzy and tired easily… Sign of old age I would say … J

I had an interesting chat with a new friend last weekwhich makes me connected to Andrew somehow… Should he left me because he wanted to, he wont be coming back lazily to my den asking and pacing. But I never hold any grudge on him because of him many things happen too. I only remember the essence of the sweet memories of a relationship. May you have done many things to hurt or indirectly without you wanting it. I still keep you fresh in my memory as one of my friend who need an attention. But let me remind you, with me you don't have to create lies to be connected to me. Life are such, be it good or bad we don't have to tell about what she does or not. To be connected as it is, was so easy actually. Its just a gut that you needed most!

Well not everyone will buy your story raw like some people saying. They are still worry, jealous and lots of bloody awful things was said but then for people who really knows who you are will always weigh it. But then again its individual… Andrew was not the only one lie, I do, they do, she does, he did but always for reason. If he thinks I need him to be tagged along in his life, no that's not something you need to worry about… I have my own time to appreciate between a relations and commitment…

How do you define love N was saying… Erk… touch, feel, expressing, showing, indulging but alas the point is one to give and take… but what if only one willing to give and the other was pulling. I learn my good lesson since..

I have no more regrets… I believe in what I believe before… If it is meant for me it will come back to me… It does and now is time to execute, and fight all the battle in life to reach the destination over the journey of life….

When we are given time to explore, trail every lil bit of it along with the bumps and humps, tho it is tiring but it will surely leading to a destination even it was not the end of the story… sometime love are not meant to be shared together in a marriage but carries along in life which is better I guess… THINKING about relations can be tiring. How about BUILDING relations? Never mind the bumps along the way, the result could be well worth it. As the confused Confucius said: It's not the destination; it's the journey. (cutting frm beej comments abt relations)

Desperate I am?? Not as some people does… I have got everything better than anyone does… for at least I still can breath and striving for tomorrow…

Have faith, for "yang haq pasti mengatasi yang bathil"…. If I was tricked and fall into the lying part it doesn't make me cant come back to a starting point where I begin and im glad I did not pulled together in the path shit of lies…

Baby, thank you for giving me a chance but hey you got a big role to prove me wrong babe…

Cleaning my Closet

Current mood: Love, Journey & Destiny

Penna: Lynna
Released: 240206 (18.13)
Mood: Thankful

The past has been brought up to present where I was sitting and he is standing. The way he is telling all the things that he does before brings back all the jolly good memories to him without fail. What was I thinking that moment? He was mesmerizing all the good moments for him to capture and tells me what he feels.

But when the moments each and individual was told about current situation, the happiness subsides and he is back in deep thoughts. Hesitating to say anything and when he made the assumption about me and the situation I am facing I have to intersect him and tell the whole truth.

Yes I was wrong, no we was wrong. We never thought, yeah we never thought we should be doing something to mend. But no there is no point to brood about it. The subject followed by things that we want to do next. Yeah both is picturing, expressing, viewing the sense of toughness. We are going to stir up as much pain, as much sorrow but both of us need to stand straight and wave all the problem in unison.

And for the first time while my hand is held, while his eyes stared deep in me the magical moment and words was blurted out by him. I was silent, quiet and drifted apart in me. Not hallucinating but enjoying the moment of truth I been waiting for.

Was he the one I've been waiting and longing. But he has said it from his heart, 'live' for me to hear it, sensed it and gathered it.

Thank you

Illusional or Dellusional

Current mood: Life & Options

Penna : Lynn
Released: 220206
Mood: Contented

The affection came again… I cant sleep now…

The weight on top of my body still felt, the hand waving the hair away from my face still soft, the salty tears that tickle on his chest still tasted good, the soft moans on my ears like a rhythm when the wave comes and go, and the voice whom not letting me go from his top still heard till today.

How much affection that he really left on me was still in my sweet lil memory although it was long ago and he is not here anymore.

He was still good as remembered last. His smile, still reserved but he knows how to cracked a joke nowadays. How I still wish… argh I am being delusional?

Why does he left that affection felt still. Was I thinking this of a same person….He came back and I was reminded by him…

Impossible…its impossible to let it through but at the same time…

Hahaha I really made that felt among my loyal readers. I should be a writer or novelist Sham said. I just followed my instinct, my emotions, my intuition. I make people laugh at me, I make people fond of me, I make people judge me, I make people envy me, I make people curious about me, last but not least I make people hated and cursed me.

I do what I feel like doing without even much care of what she/ he need to say. For those compliments, millions thanks to you, for those smirking and hatred of me, well the choice is always yours. Eat while you can chew, swallow those you can bite.

Now I have been researching something from women view. Why men need extra care, tender loving from outside. While many women said, I have done nothing wrong at home but infact they knew only they know what is the real cause. Most of them live in state of denial.

Quota of a women now are far more higher than men. Standard of living going high. Some women love to live in luxury life without being have to work on more to get what they want. I heard many, seen many and admit and agreed by many. KL has stated so many cases on those as low as from the higher institution students to those highly respectable family.

There are many reasons why they look for married man to be around. We know what is it all about. But we tend to ignore it. Why. Sometimes it is not about what they wanted to be, what they wanted to do, sometimes it is just fated. They may have been living in good family life but suddenly they are infected with love virus which they cant handle it alone. It takes two to tango. Yup that's right.

I take long time to understand this too. Three years doing my research, being talked with many single and married man, from the lowest class to the higher ranking, they have their own reason. They are proud of their life now but at the same time proud of the kind of excitement and attention given to them by this new comer in their life. Not to mention those whom they have left once ago and suddenly came back without being prompted.

Life circle are always unexpected and nothing that we can planned. Sure yes there is but its depend on what HE says at the end of the day.

Next chapter are going to be "why women let their man look around for substitute…."

Sayang

Penna: Lynna
Released: 210206 (10.09am)
Mood: Quizzical

Sayang....

Itukah yang aku rindukan sejak dahulu...
Apakah itu yang aku mimpikan sedari dahulu...
Masa mengajar kita untuk menjadi dewasa...

Apakah kedewasaan mengajar kita erti kematangan...
Apakah kematangan dapat memperbetulkan keadaan...
Apakah keadaan tidak akan lagi meninggalkan kita...

Kehadiranmu umpama mimpi disiang hari...
Pada bila masa ia bakal akan pergi...
Pastikan dikau tidak lagi kan pergi...

Sayang....

Semalam umpama mimpi...
Hari ini pasti dilalui....
Esok kita ragui...

Apakah ini suatu yang pasti....

Freedom of Speech, Blogging and Living

Penna : Farmie

Released: 150206

Mood: Blurrrrrrrr

Its really strange how I feel now. Having to read few fellow bloggers makes me feels excited, upheaval, wonderful, sad etc. It was a mixture of feelings. Me and my 1001 emotions and colours.

What really amused me is the Datins diary blogs. The colours of her, the way of her life, the kind of hearts shes having…. 3 different sets is enough for me to sum up how is she, what is she and how adorable she is in my eyes. No matter how she gets that Datin title, at the end of the day she is still a human who craved for love who in return love the man she marries.

Judge and to be judge was also part of her life like we do. That reminds me of Ariff who was vigorously talking to me of his spying notion. About a girlfriend he is eyeing and about my other friend surviving.

There was a lot of things in the diary which really amused me. Part of it was this piece when she talk about men generally:

“Although that’s not to say they wont stray or treat you less than nice, be chauvinistics or anything else unpleasant. But then again, men come in all shapes and sizes, even in the niches. There are men who are good and kind and true, and those who philander, abuse and cheat. There are also the in-betweens. Datuk or no, Tunku or common man, they all come with the same chromosomes. The only difference is what kind of shoes you can afford when you pool your joint resources together.

So ladies she said: unless you’re into gadgets, choose carefully. My advice, try him out for size. He needs to be big enough so you can both take cover under his coat when it rains. Small enough for you to wrap your arms almost around. Strong enough to restrain you from leaving too easily. Gentle enough to know when to leave you alone. And man enough to know when to give you his hand.”

She was smart, wise and I bet she must be beautiful at heart. For whoever she is, she is still a woman that yes I should say this, I do adore all the woman in the world be it my frenz, foes, family and siblings or kids, yes everyone! For they are special creature that was created by god.

Another series of talking to my dear gf when she pm me about tonning me down on how I shout nowadays. Since I know her, I know theres something that she wants to say out to me. But I let the nature takes it calls till today where she was referring to my last blog written. Was I am what I wear or what I wear inside is the shade of being me. English woman who is dainty and snobbish would fit my personality she said. I was really smiling when she talks about it. So I really makes her speaks when the topic was right. Thank you fren. I like your honesty which outshine through your words. Perhaps I should think of what you said. Really, honestly that would give me big time change. Insyaallah, god willing and yeah your pray is one of the blessing my friend.

I was once in the same wardrobe you mentioning, I don’t want to be judge nor judging. I just want to be who I am now. I will find ease of being the real me. I wont be wearing what I’m wearing now for way too long anyway. Im testing some cards that I have. As soon as I discovered my colour pallete, I’ll changed again. Im breathing the fresh air that offered to me. Yeah, while im saying it out loud there some reserved values yet to be portray…

Good nite my dear blogs… as I find you are my real friend who derive me from being tight lips to someone who can just talk about anything in life…

Plans, Goals and Hope-2006

Penna: Farmie

Released: 14^th February 06 (my sis bday!!)

Mood : Colourful

Today’s quote:

Don’t think I wont turn around and bite you head off just because I’m nice… and don’t mistake my niceness for stupidity.. J

Love letter awaits me as I arrive in the office last Wednesday. Penalizing on something that was not done by me and leads to many things. It happens every year when she needs to pay out for bonus and increment. The hell im going to take it easy this year. You want to eat me up? Wait till I bite your ass.

Mind is tested and jeorpadising my emotions. While best friend is facing the same facet of scenario I once went through few years back, the most I can do was just be there to listen. I’ve said enough, I don’t want to be blamed for another time. She may throw me out of her life for giving a view but at the end of the day the decision was hers fully. To listen or not, it was not my goddam problem.

The example was there for everyone to see, to learn and just to get the best out of it. Bidding my last word to her before Maghrib after a series of yelling on my ears.

I still can hear it till now…”stop nagging and stop telling me what to do”. “Well then just stay there even if you’re beaten to death. If you can’t live without him then just listen to him”. And so I was quite since then. I’ve told you a year ago. I’ve asked your guts whether would you have a patience to be seconder. I’ve asked you whether would you be ok to accept him only when he is there with you and when he is with her would you focused your mind to be only to you and your kids. Failed!! You failed!! But again it was your choice, when you yell at me, when you throw me out as friend, I just smile and walked away. Eventually I said you will realize and come back. If it is not to say sorry but for the essence of the friendship. Finally, yes you did and you admit it. Well I never speak for you, I speak for myself. By putting myself in your shoe and feel what I should be in when I was there and then makes me said what I’ve said. Best example when I give the advice of the courage to be a second hand. And when another friend of mine said it was over, I just shrugged my shoulder off. Told her too and well she took the challenge. Patience and respect plays a good role in life to be in a good relationship.

Now back to my love letter. I was called by her to voice out what’s my next plan in achieving my goals and keeping the company at the same wavelength of mine. Enclosing myself to me when I sat down telling her about progress of work and my plans and goals.

I was in a mess, but nothing jeorpadising my work to be specific. She is running away from paying. That I noted from year to year. I called Ida from Jabatan Tenaga Rakyat for advice. Sat down with her to hear her on what should I do next. To my relieve that I was actually backup by labour law. The only thing now is whether I should do it. Yes, with my health condition and benefit for hospitalization was not set accordingly. My appointment with my doctor is soon to be finalize should I do it in Melaka or KL.

Was money my problem? No, its more on my children. Should I be bedded for few days, who is going to look for them. Although I have found someone to look after them but would I be ok when I’m away from them that long.

I need to learn to be away from their smells, their nottiness, the yellings, the biting session and all the good time around them. One day they will go away, to further study, to be on their own, to be with their love ones.

Its hurting to see how the people in the office work, where they put aside the family values just to be encapsulate with their work. Neglecting the feelings of the kids and those closed to them. How the passion of work embrace them within the office itself not noting the time they should be resting and to be with their family. No, I cant be like them. I was once neglected, I was once have ceilings, walls and floor as my talking mate. I won’t let my kids go through the same scenario.

I know how hard parents are to make sure we have everything in life. From there I learn how to set aside the 24 hours for each and everyone. Learning process will never fade from individual who is willing to learn.

Now I’m setting my mind to be firm with my workplace. I’m not going to say yes while I have to say no. No more giving in while I shouldn’t. I should change myself and shouldn’t change others. Never expect anything in life but strive for what I want. God will, it will come, insyallah. Now I know why I’m being betrayed, because I allow them too. How? Too kind to be cruel? Or was it the vows that I make. No, be nice all the time, payback time is not in my hand. Eventually it will come, if it is not from me, surely good is for it kindness, pain for cruelty. He knows better than me.

“Live Goes On says Lee Ann Rimes”

Something to Think and Ponder

Penna: Farmie

Released: 150206
Mood: Curious

I’m not sure why I’m pondering around in this topic so much… was it because of what happenings around me, or I soon to be or I want to be… I find it so significant to daily lives in KL. No body can run away from being a second wife nowadays??

Looking at my status and lifestyle being the only wife does not amuse me. To be there for him all the time, waiting for him to comeback all the time is not in my head anymore. I have angels to be with while he is not around. Best for me i guess now is for him to be back only as and when he likes it, to love and be loved, to nurture and care vice versa and most of all for me to respect him as my leader, husband and also a man in my life... I dont want more than that. Money that can feed him, me and angels and perhaps another saint or angel of his n mine... Yes ... another seeking solace moment required for me to be with my creator again

Petikan Datin’s Blog:

In KL, it appears that the all-important first marriage (which everyone pretends will be the only one) has to be thought through carefully, with consideration given to all factors except one - whether the two people getting married actually love each other. "Oh, they'll learn. Budak lagi, mana dia orang tau? Love doesn't last anyway."

Don't snicker. It's true. People say these things.

Three years later, one of two things happen. Either wife from influential family leaves, or they continue with the marriage, each probably having their own, individual love interests.

In the first case, often times the wife joins the burgeoning upper-middle class cache of career-minded women who are hunting for recycled richer men in KL's hot spots. Just as an aside, things happen in reverse one rung down the social ladder. For the middle and upper middle class, the first marriage is all about starry-eyed love. The second, is the more calculated, economically-inclined variety.

Anyway, so wife joins these women in the hunt for something good. Only between her and her new friends, they are probably looking out for each other's husbands. The rich girl wants someone to love, and the not-so-rich girl wants someone to love her. Faham?

Meanwhile, back at the newly-acquired bachelor pad, the husband of rich wife goes on a born again single spree, accosted by and endless stream of twenty-something year olds who will eventually cost him lots of money. Odds are pretty high he ends up either marrying one of those or someone-just-as-respectable-as first-wife, which causes the whole rigmarole to begin again.

In scenario number two of first marriages, the husband has multiple affairs or a mistress, while wife, if she doesn't do the same, throws herself into the world of salsa, jual kain batik, some high-browed Amway style sell and tell network that peddles caviar facial creams, or God.

Comment from anonymous whos father who had few wives:

alah semua ni memang betul.. Even if you say it to our children or not.. I know my father is one of these men you're talking about and my mum has to suffer.

But after 3 wives, my father refuses to divorce my mum and keeps torchuring her and in turn they torture us..

Some Malay men are really good for nothing Muslims. How do they expect their sons to be good husbands when they treat their wives like shit.

First wives often have to stick with these "poor" men to climb up the steep ladder of life in the beginning, kalau tidak derhaka. But when the husband has reached the top of the ladder, he goes and looks for another lady to satisfy his needs sebab the first wife, dia dah boring dengar all her advise which he calls nagging by now.

I wish these men who are successful will put themselves into the 1st wife's shoes before reacting. After all in the Muslim religion, the husband is suppose to "didik" the wife..

In other anon thoughts:

At 9:55 AM, Anonymous said…

It is very enjoyable reading your blog. It is so down to earth and what you have written shows your experience in life where money cannot buy.

At 10:41 PM, swan said…

It is sooo true, rich girl wants someone to love while the not so poor girl wants someone to love HER!!!...

marriage is nothing more than having someone to 'witness' your existent.

But I am marrying my husband simply because I am soo in love with him and the comfort that he provides. His whole assets is a bonus

my late mother always said, 'look after yourself and live like a queen, after all the queen could never live like you'

At 8:17 AM, Anonymous said…

I agree with Anonymous 8.00 pm...initially, your blog entries were insightful thoughts (with some depth) and an interesting peek into your Datin life.

Lately, all you've been writing is drivel which has now spiralled into shallow, stereotyped, thoughtless, self-glorifying crap that I wonder whether you wrote the earlier posts yourself.

Unlike others, I find the "oh, you're scaring me" posts refreshing (or anything else than the gushing, simpering adorations you are feeding on day to day). I hope that the Samy Vellu's gang make a return soon to inject some reality into your self-created hallucinations.

Carrie Bradshaw you're not! And that self-pitying stance is SO stale.

Expectancy...

Expectancy...
Current mood: grateful

Penna: Farmie
Released: 13th February 06
Mood: Calm

You cant swallow everything yet you may be choke...
Chew only what you can bite...
Life has high expectancy but can you maintained be calm and cool all the time...
Yet it derives us to a journey of a destiny...

How good communication can make one feels so peaceful and refresh and eventually not to be so hard and brutal...

To you,
Day in and out is a learning process. Never taken aback with some unexpected series of situation... He is watching and keeping you aside all the time...

I am for what I am

Penna : farmie

Released: 120206

Mood: Defensive (:-)))

A friend said i was actually taking advantage on people. Well i always ask myself fm time to time whether i am like what they say. For now it does not really matters anymore. Ill just do what i have to do.
The rest of it let them talk, think or judge as for whatever they feel. "I was defensive" i was told too hahhahaha. Again sometime it takes me to think of how or what people see in others. I care less now, im back to work, im back to focus and im back in track of galivanting my life as i once did. Sharing every bit of it fairly with my family, friends, kids and sibling accordingly.
Well now i will be defensive of what i said, i do and i will take charge of all actions.
Insyaallah if i cant excell in my career this year, im looking forward for next steps which ive put aside long ago. Its time to catch up with friends again. Few sets of friends which are good in each sets of industry, level, and that always willing to share and participate.

Up, Close and Personal

Penna: Farmie
Released: 100206 : 12.23pm
Mood: Happy and full of Joy

Had a chance to meet new people last Wednesday where accidently my college fren and my chatfrenz was actually her schoolmate. Here goes all the exciting and fun people that i met. Before reaching there i was having fear i cant get the feel being with extremely new faces but it turns out to be very exciting n full of laughter and fun.

Here are all the people attending that nite at Awan Besar. My special thanks goes to Neeza and Widi for keeping me in very comfortable zone with their schoolmates frenz.

As they are patching up with life and families since may be 20 years ago i keep on teasing Widi, how excited he could be to meet the long long long lost fren. I guess he keep on imagining how all of them looks like, how succesful are they and so forth. I was late which he has to wait at least like half an hour for me to drive me there.
Neeza was the one who called and ask whether im free to accompany her. Never expected that she has many in mind, I said yes. It was not long since I met her for the AJL in PWTC recently.
As he drove by reaching the place my eyes browsing the area to spot her from the back with 2 frenz. Which i thought she says she is going to meet an old boyfriend. Only to my surprise i saw Anum was there with Neeza and Hakim.


We introduce each other to everyone and i was actually taken aback with Widi new attitude to be so quiet from the usual. Anyway later that nite came Khairul and his wife JC.
To all the poeple i met, thank you for sharing the loads of laughter and joy. To Hakim my personal thanks for contributing this lovely picture to be incorporated in this silly blog. (Just checkin whether have you got any post in mind to fit me there. ;-))
Hopefully we will meet again for another gatherings perhaps with more people. To Neeza, i miss your Rendang Kicap, so i guess you can contribute that when we decide to have lunch may be in my place someday... To Anum it is good to see you smiling and enjoy your nite. To Kay n JC nice meeting you guys. To Hakim thank you so much for the promptness of sending the photo to us. To Widi, simply love to have you around as fren and driver hahahahaha... To Mono the ratz who is not here happy browsing and reading..... I like to see the surprise and will see that it will be coming thru.....

Meaningless or Sacrifice

Penna: Farmie

Released: 050206 (12.27am)

Mood: Crazy

It is strange how a woman could strive for her happiness where she can denies her feeling just to keep the husband and family in order. How she can be in meaningless marriage just to sacrifice her own emotions to make sure the kids have father figure in their life.

Could that be wrong and difficult for a man to understand why she is still there for him and the kids after all the hard work and the struggles over the bumpiness along the journey of marriage? Where do they throw all the feelings, emotions, rational, values and sacrifices? Is that as easy as closing the eyes and the next morning there’s sun shining overhead?

How easy can one man say the words of letting his woman go in a split second? How easy can one man go through all the hard times over the first few years of marriage trying to make end meets?

There’s a lot of strong woman out there who can live in the hard way, the difficulties and be patience till slowly the pace became even. Many women nowadays refuse to remarry in due course knowing the needs of a man. How can one man accept other mans children openly without even thinking of what his new bride gone through together before.

Only those has gone through it would know and understand. Being a friend to my girl friend and seeing her sadness her of all that said and happen in front of me, I feel the contentment of being with my kids are for more better to try out for second marriage. How humiliated she could be when he asked her to dump her kids out of the house, while he shared all the things she paid all for herself. He just have to rub off his feet and come in to the house without paying anything and share all the joy and happiness. But refuse to share her troubles. What kind of male or species he is?

Can’t he think of that before he marry her? She was promised a moon and a star before she said yes to him but in the end she feel so downgraded, humiliated and most of all treated without any respect at all.

Respect plays a good role in one life. How did you gain respect? I believe respect is gain by respecting yourself in the first place. If you can’t respect yourself how can anyone respect you?

Yeah I’ve done a mistake in my life and that has really make me see and open my eyes to what had happen to me.

Trust? How do you gain a trust? Can it come to you easily if you don’t trust yourself? What happen if you trust yourself and you still can’t gain it from others? It doesn’t matter… To me if you believe in you what others can offer does not matter anymore. Strive for what you can win or what you can achieve, insyaallah god will hear you.

Again I’m thankful to all the confidante who had given me opportunity to learn and give me the courage to move on and motivate me to be the person who understood who I am today. I know what I want, I know what I believe and I know what I’m expecting tomorrow.

A fren of mine call me today to ask about my relations with a girlfriend. I told him we are ok so long she takes me as friend accordingly. It is all up to one individual to take me, respect me and understand me. I don’t impose enforcement, I don’t impose condition and I believe if I take you as what you are, you are what you are. You wouldn’t be what you are as what I want. That is wrong conception of a friendship.

Friendship should not be based on what you lay out. Friendship should be based on trust and honesty. If you can’t be honest ant trust what you can give to her/ him then it is not friendship.

If you come to her/ him for a reason then it will not work because, love/ relationship/ friendship comes unconditionally.

God send us to this world without any condition. He lay out the rules, we as his follower read his law and should practice it because he has reason why he is having such rules. Why woman must abide her husband beside him? So that woman just don’t go to anything/ anywhere to make them as their leader or the important person.

Why such things happen accordingly in life? Look back deep in you. Bring your thoughts or mind to tackle the problem. Should it happen if you don’t do this and practice that, should you do that and don’t practice this would this problem arise? Look at one problem in depth. Find the root. God has its way of managing things in this world. We are given the precious thing while the animal don’t. So with that brain we are suppose to use in, practice it, rationalize it and be smarter as human being. Because he has granted us more than one thing that animal shouldn’t have. That’s the only thing makes us human different from them.

But nowadays human tends to be similar like animal. Why? When has it gone wrong? What has it takes to be like them? We refuse to think more but take the shortcut and do the final way. Was it worth. Ask this question before you do it. Good nite folks, think, reflect and be objective…

Contempelative moods…2.17am

Touch

Penna : Farmie

Released : Friday, 04 Jan 06 (1100pm)

Mood: Blurr

The massage was good but I don’t fancy the way he did it. I usually opt for female reflexologist. But yesterday it was arranged by my colleague at the blind’s spot in Brickfield. It was terribly painful and well its done and it is done. I will not go again, I prefer my makcik Midah and my female reflexologist.

Anyway it always a reason why I never want a male reflexologist to do it. I always avoid being touch because of my sensitivity is very high. I once remember I was laughed by a fren last time when I said that to him and he said that’s very dangerous. I laughed and keep that in my thoughts.

Only me would know how I would hold all the urges. And I know he meant well and at the same time to be very careful. I keep his reminder carefully. Even way back, I avoid being near to anyone. I adore nice smells, some body odors, parfums, the looks, sexiness, body language etc.

Human nature has lots of secrets in enticing individuals. Taken my time sitting alone in a forest, waterfall or beaches it always gives me amusement of how nature smell attracts me. Its just a way to measure oneself passion and being passionate about everything. I love just the way it intrigues me naturally. It takes all my imaginations to appreciate what god creations had offered me.

I love my body, my skin, everything that god has given me. I appreciate the way its created, the sensed, the sensitivity, the smoothness. I may not have the best but I do love it. I must look after it the way god look after me. I will try my best to… things happens naturally so I let nature takes it own calls.

It reminds me of someone who has tried his best in touching and he did triggered the button and I don't know how did the barrier falls. Kudos to him…

Grateful Or Fair???

Penna: Farmie
Released: 030205 (6.33pm)
Mood: Grateful

A friend strike me with a question last night over dinner at nasi lemak Ampang. What is the point of marrying if you can do things happily without being bond into the law of marriage…
Clueless with his statement in the beginning. As soon as I reach home after meeting him, I have to cook for my kids as tomorrow im already working. Those thought ponders me. He give me a point there. One can have everything when they are not married. Companion, lover, friends, sex partner, share the jokes, sadness, happy moments as well as heartache but without even sacrificing one soul out.
Although one has gf or bf but they can still have another person around without feeling guilty of having an affair with another.
Which I think its fair, very fair. But again to me as individual my thoughts, my personal thoughts, it is how you look up to marriage bondage, a relationship to your love ones, the honesty, the passion, the sincerity of sharing with her/ him.
When one are already into marriage why should one be tempted to another, why cant one hold the urge, hold the temptation, avoid looking although undeniable that he/ she could just come without one wanted to have it.
God has many ways to test us. Its only "iman" who could hold us from straying, or being unfaithful.
It is all about what you want. If you did that (straying, having affair/ relationship), and expect your love one not to do it, I think that’s wrong perception.
Looking back at what I have before, what I did before, when I don’t want my beloved husband to look at other woman, I prepare the best of me at the first degree. To be at his best whenever he needs me. To some people I may be stupid but to me that’s the greatest thing I could do to be part of him. No matter what people look at him, I would give the best because at the end of the day my satisfaction matters not them. But to the extent that he love his addiction better than I am or a woman, there and then I made my own decision to be who I am now.
Yes, woman would never be less than a woman without a man while they have the children to pour more love or if it is not the children, there is nature, pets and lots of other things. Im glad Ive opened up my eyes, not only outer it is also my inner eyes to accept everything happen to me as the impact of what I have done, what I’ve accepted to be, and "redha dengan ketentuan allah diatas taqdir yang diaturkannya". Im thankful.
Today my best fren scolded me for not wanting to accept her empathy for my children. My second boss offered me with some money which I disregard here accordingly on that matter. Im still striving for life, I still can stand tall, I still can urge myself to work, how can I just accept those without working hard for it.
Dear girlfriend thank you, I do adore you, I have never asked but you observed, you notice and you sensed it. But yeah I know, as you said I don’t want to take it due to my pride. Was it true? Only me hold the reason for what I do, for what I feel, for why not taking the offer that given. You were nice all this while, but im sure god has the best for me. Ill just have to be more patient. Thank you…

Pretty in Place

Penna: Farmie
Released: 1st Feb 2006
Mood: Thankful to have all this Beautiful Nature

Had a chance going to PutraJaya during the long week of holidays with my kids. Browsing thru all the government offices along the way make my hearts pounding with bless and joy. Where i got fascinated with all the beautiful design and architectures of all the buildings made by Malaysian with very much help and motivations by our ex PM, Tun Dr Mahathir.
From the green lands he has turn it to full blocks of designs and architecture. How does one varies into one another? while driving and browsing doesnt give much for me to see. I would love to go inside the bulding itself to see for myself how much it can affect my passion towards the making of the building in beautiful arching buldings along the many. It has many shapes and curves along with their own sculpture. I was very fond to go on details but i have not had a chance. My mind was raging on who would bring me there while i observe and if possible gather as many pictures.
More to see when i was driving the lamp post, the bridge, the jaywalk, the botanical garden.
Would i find a partner who share the same interest, who would walk my way thru the night enjoying the scene while listening to the nite creatures singing. We head home about 9pm after visiting Alamanda. After taking my breathtaking rest watching the fountains and drifting myself in the nature.
Kids were happy, i was feeling calm and peace after all the amusement i had from the nature. How could i not admire the creator of those i love so much... I'll wait for him to send me the companion to walk along the way...

NO PAIN NO GAIN!!!

Penna: Farmie
Released: 26th Jan 06
Mood: Happy to be beautiful at heart

Had a chance to meet T and Adi in Nailis after so long. First topic when she mention about her birthday I ask her about her wedding plan that suppose to be this year after her birthday.
According to her after voicing out to Dato sometime 6 months ago no action was made from him nor to make it official. She is still in dilemma and said perhaps she would be like that forever. I reminded her about getting his son a company too.
She changed the topic. It was about Botox, Vitamin C and Collagen. Something about keeping a woman beautiful, uplifted, wrinkle free and look always young. Various ideas and views was voice out. Adi a beautiful looking gal was more interesting in injecting the cellulite out. According to T, it can be done now without liposuction. A contact of hers who has a network to a doctor in Singapore who came regularly to KL. Whom always get in touch with artists and actress to get it done.
Interesting part is where being pretty and beautiful you have to face a pain. Not to mention spending money and effort in getting those things right in the first place. First thing I asked was implications, side effects and whether it stays in the long run.
Erra Fazira, Siti Nurhaliza, Umie Aida, Ifa Raziah and few more names were discussed how they maintained and sustain the beauty without much ado on the looks while Adi saw some of them in Mekah, without makeup they still look radiant and fresh.
Many believe Vitamins intake do take part in sustaining the beauty in the body besides 8 glass of waters for detoxifying purpose and the healthy intake of vegetables in daily meals. I had a conversation with my colleagues over lunch of how detoxifying can be done daily. Its only takes a guts and challenge for one to make it happen. Its like 1, 2, 3 steps followed by A, B, C and reversible. One meat a day for day one with vege, 2nd day with soup without meat and 3rd day just vege without carbo. Phew that was tough for those who cant live without rice right? Next step A raw vege for meals, B was 8 glass a day and followed by C that is the 2 glass of fresh juice daily. How’s that sound to you.
To remain beautiful for woman has got a lot to cost especially in daily life. Besides taking healthy food, exercising and maintaining good looks is real pain. But without that we wont gain anything like 36, 28, 37. What a number eh. Besides that I believe smile plays a good role to whereby the fine wrinkle that cause by it would make everyone look at you will surely feel warm and fresh. And last but not least the innerself or soul must always be freed from selfishness, greediness or evilness. Well its hard but with kindness everything seems to be easy to achieve. Insyaallah.
Back to my being beautiful topic. Actually it was not just a talking. I told T about Botox injection which was actually made from big cord in the intestine of a pig which means is "haram" for us Muslim. Few minutes later her phone rang. Mama Rosa on the line she told us. By this time Ayu my friend joined me from her workplace. I took the opportunity to meet T and Adi as well as her knowing that I have limited time nowadays. Well friendship is always good when it comes to networking and new things comes by.
T told us according to Mama, of all the injection to one female body nose injection was the most painful event. So we were alerted. Yeah imagine having our nose punch will surely making tears dropping. Erghhh pain yeah..
By the third time Mama called her she asked me "Farm follow me for a while"
"Where to?" I said. "Bukit Bintang" she replied. I was hesitating, my time there with them was already taken while I should be preparing dinner for my kids. Knowing whats in my head she added "pack nasi lemak from here and send it home, then come with me". "I’ll come with you with the children together. But then why are we going there for?" needing to know the reason of her taking me. "I want to do it" she said.
My eyebrows meet each other. "You what?" I answered in surprise. "10 minutes only" she add.
5 minutes later we left and kids are picked and she was sent to Mama and I took my kids for dinner while waiting for her. Her 10 minutes become almost an hour when she call to tell me she is done. I drove her Beemer and saw her outside covering her nose with tissue. "Don’t tell me she bleeds" I told myself.
As she entered I asked her "How was it?"
"Farm… sakit gilaaaaaaaa….."
I laughed when she spit that out. No pain no gain… No beauty without pain she added.
I keep on laughing at her and at last "let me see", I demanded.
Her nose was so red and glistening from the pain effect but walauwehhh.. her nose did really looks perfect and pretty in place.
My god, how could one injection make the different. But she keep on mumbling that it was bloody painful and she did cry. According to Mama if she is pinching on her skin, it could easily tear off. I continue laughing and smiling… woman will always stay beautiful no matter how it cost them. Me?? Would I do that? Piercing my nose is already enough for me and well im not going to try that. She said "its only RM190 farm… "
Yeah perhaps even free I will think many times… I can still feel the pain of my nose pierced 3 months ago. And Ayu was asking why didn’t I put it on. I said since I had that my sinus always keep on coming and it has cause allergies to my nose and sometime had infection. I’ve taken it out but just now I’ve put it on again. Hhahahaa…
Not easy being a woman, and not easy being beautiful. Maintaining all of it cause so much. I remain the beauty in maintaining my girls better. Till then folks, have a nice day and stay smiling, as the smile brought sunshine in someone thoughts.

Discovery

Penna: Farmie
Released: 230106 (11.59pm)
Mood: Evil xXXXx

What a discovery of a day today!!
When im about to end my day in the office I receive a call from unknown number. Not knowing who is on the other line, I answer the call as I always did, up to my best level. I was asked for a weird question.
“Lynn?”
Yes!! Who are you? Where are you calling from?
Im Dave, I just chatted with you a while ago, you gave me this number.
:-O Say what? I gave you this number. Hey who did you talk chat to just now? Whats ur id? Whats my id again u were saying?
Corporate lady aren’t you?
Corporate lady aye? Hey you got the wrong number.
Damn it. I slamed the phone down.
After few minutes the phone rang again. This time with 016 number. Same thing, I pick up and thinking it was another caller. Neh it was the same stupid caller thinking im the corporate lady on chat. I bang down the phone again and mumbling to myself, which bitch is trying to make me known outside my world.

Phone continuously rang with another number each time. This time im being crude, rigid and timid. I told the caller if that bitch are so bitchy needing a man desperately be it, talk to her or chat with her or tell her don’t use another person number and another person identity. He was shocked with my answer and I continued telling him, if her life is so fucked up and a man is so bloody important in her life for she need to grab any opportunities that comes along without even thinking for any consequences then be it. Poor foolish man has to listen to all the harsh word from me.
If she wants to be me, she has to learn how to be me. The person with 1001 colours. Too bad she knows a bit of me if it is not quarter or half. I couldn’t care much of what the purpose she is doing it. Perhaps scared of loosing or perhaps doing it to bring me down. Poor boyfriend who is not good enough to satisfying bitchy needs. Disgusting thoughts I have, but what the heck. Hey don’t be a coward, roll your balls right to confront me or take your guts out to challenge me. Come’on you are matured enough. You are just being coward in your own world!!!!
I have known long enough the tactic being in modern cyber life. You cant get it that way, you getting me this way and if you don’t this way, you would try other way. You got nothing better to do eh? Poor arse. Poor soul!!! I bet he doesn’t give her enough attention that making her out of way to do all this nonsense shit of lies. If one already and known in this shit, im sure she will be able to do this again and again like I used to hear from people around. Oh well do’uh, stupid is what stupid does. I put it off most of the time when I heard this but she herself confirmed being insecure of loosing something that not in her hand. Happy impersonating asshole!!!!

My conversation with Dr Harlina was good today. After recommending Dr Chelvi and come out with with necessary treatment she is ready to come out with a surgery letter.
Dr Harlina said come and do it at her place where she can take care of me and she will get her friend to carry out the surgery while she can observe and give me the anesthetic dose. Or do it in Darul Ehsan or Kelana Jaya where she can get her friend to do it and give the discount and the anesthetic is free from her which take away about 1k itself from the surgery cost.
Empathy not sympathy that’s what she is doing since I know her all along. It was not only her, there was few other friend which was always willing to offer without me asking. They know just when to take care. These are friends who has no barrier in life, whom just know where and when they should be there for you and not just when they are approach. Perhaps its how they was brought up, or how their mentality is. A person with professionalism, characteristic, mannerism who always welcome friends and take pride in performing daily life as normal human beings. Nothing to show off like having Aigner bag, Donna Karan clothes, Christian Dior parfums to make known who they are. They just have to carry themselves without having to show off the glittering luxurious things in hand. They just have to show the sparkle of their hearts away to just anyone needed. In the end she just have to say, if I ever needed you as friend you will be there for me farm? I almost breakdown. I don’t have anything to offer to anyone. I just have ear, shoulder and myself to do anything I could do best. I have no money to splash you with, I don’t have any materials to add into your life except a humble heart to hear you out. I have nothing… I was hurt badly today but they forgot, they have only making me so tough and hard. I take that challenge from them to make me tougher and yeah harder… Time to think and ponder again…
I like dot’s blog today about threesome… A courage to challenge to be in one room with two man and one woman for sex… hahahaha what an idea.. I guess everyone have fantasy. Don’t I have one? God knows what it was… time to think about fantasy has gone, its time to think about reality….
Only reality matters to me to bring out a person from my kids, to teach them humility, what life are all about and what life can offer if you know how, where, when, what, who, why? I just need another challenge each day to make you, him, her, they or even me a better person… Dare you challenging yourself??? Insyaallah god willing.
Days end very well when all my children end up helping me cooking for tomorrow lunch. I have four of them busy making themselves a grown up person to help me working on the dish. One with washing, the other with onions, one is frying and the other one is cleaning. Well I just hope by the time they have to go they know what just best for them. The Value of being a Woman, Female, Friend and Daughter. Till then I leave that in god hands… they are only temporary borrowed to me while they are still around…
Lunch with S goes on like normal. I almost cancelled it after a remarked from him. But hey what do I loose, its only lunch so not to listen to all the mushy stories actually. Neh im not ready for him, no not yet… im looking forward to someone challenging who would dare me to do plumbing, electrical, climbing or any adventurous thingy. The normalities are too routine… I need to rock something now…. Raunchy that’s what im feeling now. Shit too much of progesterone and estrogen I guess… Anyone to help releasing a bit? ;-))
Good nite folks…

2005 Journal

January

After celebrating Aidil Adha I had a chance to go company trip with my colleague to China. 5 days and 4 nights in Shanghai, experiencing and knowing more beautiful things in HIS creation. As I was enjoying the trip I cant help the feeling of missing my girls. But then all in all it was a good trip. Z parents order for a meeting to ask me about our relation. Was I ready for a nuptial knot. No, I don’t have the answer that time. I was enjoying the relation, I’m taking my time to know more of myself. And was I ready for him?

February

Nothing much happens. My relation with him has so many hiccups which make me find solace in HIM. “If he is not meant for me, send me the girl that can replace me”. I was involve in shopping hunt where his company organized. We manage to get a second place and the kids enjoy it very much.

Winning 2^nd place

March

R appeared after he took the initiative to email her . She was aware of my presence and he voice out what he wants. He wants to marry me first and her later. I did my pray again, “if this relation is in your will, show me the way”. And so I accept her in my l

ife to be in between him and ask her to come to KL. I know I am risking myself but I trust god is there for the best in me and him.

April

I find my confidante to ask about the situation and relation. 2 out of 3 said leave and the other said “its all about what you want”. Work and life goes on. More and more hurt was found in my kids face.

May

My hesitation to decide still in my mind. He become bolder and she became a ma

nipulator. His father become another person after she arrive and his mother where once hated her presence now become her nagging friend. I accepted that as written in his life. People change with time. Nature take its own call.

June

Her visit of one full week change him as stranger towards me. My conscience

and patience still there. Even when Andrew resurface I told him to stay in his marriage and accepted her as she is. Marriage vows years ago was to stay in good or bad, till death do them part. For that he became more and more eager to have those time back with me but I refused. Tho I know relation with Z leads me nowhere but hell I’m not going to hurt another woman again just because of love.

I made my trip to Singapore during her trip here. I took the opportunity to betr

ay my feelings for him. I dare myself for betraying my feelings towards him by taking an invitation of someone to be there. I met Noelle. That was my beginning of a new section in my life. When I feel those hands holding mine I was asking myself was I dreaming or was it real. But I whooshed all the thoughts that is not suppose to be there.

July

The daring move was made. I made my way to his house to take back what belongs to me. Upon opening the door I saw her. God showed me cash not in dreams but live. The next day I cleared his room taking back all properties belongs to me. Although he was shocked thinking wouldn’t do that knowing for who I am. This time it was not hard. He has someone to take care of him and I moved on.

The eyes that linger, the smiles that shine my day and the memory remains.

August

Days goes by till one day I was rang by unfamiliar number. She called and asked for a confrontation about him, her and she. There is nothing I could do. But I do express to him of the liking as a person and personality. Not more of that and for I know life ahead for him is far more puzzled.

September

Things with my families work accordingly after I was called to return at once from Lang Tengah. My mom was given and ultimatum of having me as I am or loose me for I will not be here anymore. Since then she respect my decision and she became more tolerable and understanding. My kids birthday party was a blast. Friends came and enjoy the food till night. I was tired but absolutely happy for them.

October

My outing with all the girls to Genting was the Blast of all in this year.

Gathering my smile, my thoughts and most of all, be who we are was fun. Ramadhan came and things goes like usual. I miss Z not at all, perhaps the memory lingers but that’s about it. Once a while I receive message from his brother and call from people who still associate me with him. I make them clear of the situation that I am better of as single person and not to associate with anyone.

November

My raya celebration was far more meaningful when I am able to visit my mom in law grave and visit my ex father in law. He cant remember me and his granddaughter anymore due to his age. But I make my way to meet those people I’ve not seen for years and the new beginning was good and acceptable. Time flies and with that amended accordingly.

December

I have a chance to take my children to PD, legendary town again, to Pantai Kundor and have my mom and families to join during the Xmas holiday. It was a good holiday before the school start.

So much of things happen and I’m taking it openly. For those who feel I take the opportunity of relationship, no I was not, I’ve done so much of soul searching and I’m content with what I have now. I take all the challenge and strive for tomorrow. I took so much of time to be with my angels and understand more of them. They have turn to be so understanding and adorable. If I were to offer love between a man and them. I choose them more than anything else. I know one day they will go away from me but I wont regret for I know they will have their life to lead. Perhaps only that time I will have to think of a company should I still have time and chance or perhaps reside to be with HIM where peace and life are more certain.

Lynna:07 Jan 06 (3.56am)

Mood: Calm

The Black Me or The Evil Me....

Penna : Farmie
Released: 230106 (1837pm)
Mood: Evil

farmie: so u not interested in a person but more to lousy pics

farmie: well it takes one man balls to show his guts to be true

desperate: well

desperate: wht if ur not interested to see me again after seing me

desperate: lol

desperate: u have seen me right

farmie: well its actually depends on the reason of why u approaching a woman

farmie: a fren

farmie: a slut or a bitch

farmie: if frens its stays forever no mater how u look

farmie: a slut take u once to bed if ur lousy thats it

farmie: a bitch will talk back when she finds ur not up to her standard

farmie: i rest my case then

farmie: im not here for wham bang tq maam

desperate: hehehheheeh lol

desperate: hey i got to now ...... b

desperate: its raining out side .... better go early before banjir

desperate: bye dear

desperate: take care

farmie: hahhahahaha

I was actually challenging him on a meeting which I know he is hesitate to do it. He was scared perhaps he would meet a lady with a waistline of 38 or 40. Hhahahaha… well ive seen subtle not to mention races and looks but then again im here for friendship. Which I know can lead to many but well ive made everything clear from time to time to anyone to anybody… I can only offer this as far as im concern. Many can translate the other way as they pleased but then its all up to them…

This is part of my conversation to a dude younger than me. Early like about 5pm someone pm me and talk to me about something favours to him. He said just about anything but at the end when I voice out how I feel n what I like to talk about he got pissed. First of all, I don’t came knocking secondly, im not here to pleased. Thirdly, if im bitter to you its because of you. So pick a choice.

Im beginning to feel they came to chat world just to put off their mind off frm work and at the same time throwing a bait to whom they think they can get easily. Too bad sometime I pick it nicely sometime I pick it hard. Depends on how I want to do it that day. Born with 1001 colours now I know, I am really hard to please once I know what I want. I cant easily say yes nor easily push aside. Everything must have reason for me.

If im hard for u today perhaps its my time to retreat. Its just a bad day for you when im getting my pms. Hahahahah the evil laughter roaring. Sucks… I have these days which making me changing my outer layer to the evil farmie… No more softer, noble or modest farmie who love to tickle one mind with ideas, motivations or challenge… Anyway its my den, I’ll have it my way whether you like it or not.

Food of the day....

Penna: Farmie
Released: 230106 (12.06pm)
Mood: Calm

Friday nite i pick Noelle up from KTM and straight bring her her to bangsar for her dinner which im definite she wasnt able to get her dinner before hopping the bus to KL. Roughly about 1130pm she sms me she is already in toll SG Besi. Quickly i instructed 3 of my girls to get ready and left the house.

Upon reaching car park where my car is waiting my 1st daughter showed me a note. "Parking kau macam sial" it says.. I was quizicall and get out frm the car and look at the way i parked. Just like the car besides me. It was the car on the left which parked a bit narrowed where the motorbike cant go in. I get in and whisked the children to get in too and try to get out when i realised my tyre feels so heavy. Only then i notice my left tyre has been punctured by the asshole. I drive slowly to the Esso station pump in the air and goes straight to KTM. Wouldnt want Noelle to wait to long because it is already midnite.

There was Aznin, Fiona, Nicholas waiting in Devis Bangsar when we reach there. Ordered few roti chanai and 2 plate of kue tiaw goreng. Aznin told me Aniz was there earlier with friend but did not join them. After the makan we chat for a while till my twins actually tertido and almost fell from the table. I have to carry her to the carpark and head home after.

Parking was like hell if after 9pm at my place. Was actually going few rounds to look out for it when at last i decide to park far at Block D at the garbage point. Noelle refresh and we watched TV while having conversation. The last i met her was when i visit her in Sg last June with a friend.

Many things have been said but then i leave it behind my head. Moved on and never look back at anything. We were planning of what to buy for our lunch the next day as to whether to visit the Hyper market or wet market. Both has same to offer. I finally cant take it anymore by 2am when i told her i need to doze off.

By 8am i was awake by a thoughts, "wet market would be a good idea where lots of things offered with cheap price" and so i wake Noelle up. We head off to where the car is parked last morning n to my horror it was now replaced by a big 6tonne lorry at the garbage site. Sweating and frantically thinking what could happen i went to ask few people around that corner to see wheter they are aware of the owner of the lorry or they've seen anything last nite. Panicked like hell i punched my brother numbers and he refused to pick up and after few time trying i got fed up n give up. I call my mom and ask whether he is around and she wake him up.

With his calm and peace tone he said "I reparked your car. I came back and see it was parked so far and secluded so i decided to put somewhere nearby. Didnt you checked your SMS?" he said... Damned i was so in shocked and he was calmly telling me its actually safe... Phew what a day...


We bought chicken, tiger prawns, squid, fish and head home to start cooking. SMS few friends to invite them and race against time to be able to meet the time for lunch. By 1.30 chicken mushroom, asam pedas fish, sweet and sour squid, mixed vege and stir fried tiger prawns with garlic is ready to be served. It looks yummy... Budin and Tini came just on time and later joined by Widi...

We sit down and enjoy the food together with my kids around. By 4pm everyone seems to be ready to make a move after Kopi O and fruits for desert. When everyone leave i was actually sweating non stop and face difficulties to breath again. By then only i realise i have missed my morning medication besides no breakfast. Soon after the medication taken i was knocked out and did not hear anything after that.

My kids woke me about 6pm and then brother came to visit and eat what ever i have in the kitchen.

Even in the difficulties i have never left my kids unattended. Making sure they are food on the table and look at their needs was still my priorities. Hope god still give me a bit of time to serve them till they are able to be on their own feet. Till then ill let him take me back in his hand.. God willing ... insyaallah...

Speciallist in Kementah is ready to write a letter for recommendation of my surgery. Till im certain of where and wether i have enough to support the cost for the surgery then ill be ready. Meantime im in gods hand... insyaallah...

Stress or Mental Disorder

Penna: Farmie (190106-12am)
Mood: Quizicall

Many factors can trigger stress disorder. If it is not manage carefully its going to be worst. Two and half days is enough to make me finish my malay novel about stress disorder which was made by oneself, family and being insecure and inferior.

Being in wealthy family doesn’t means what came by can be easily adopted. As long as we are called human difficulties, obstacles are there. Money can’t buy happiness if one are feeling uncertain and so possessive about the wealth they have or a person, as well as in managing them. One look at wealth as the reason to go near to a person. Be it for happiness, advantage, and opportunities or may be others.

As I go along with the novel where a father manage to get the asset by marrying a wife of a wealthy man. After marrying and getting a child the wife are commanded to transfer all the asset to his name. Marriage is sharing “your money is my money, my money is your money” before he gets the assets. When she denies him he become violent and cage his wife in a room and only granted for one meal a day.

Being in a house with his first wife, she was abuse mentally and physically by becoming his maid in his big and beautiful bungalow. One day she begged his first wife to let her loose and flee from Malaysia to Manchester and from there she started her new life.

First wife of a very rich man she was blessed with 2 sons and 2 daughters. Her first daughter was married of to a doctor who education was fully paid by her husband with one condition. When he graduated he has to marry his first daughter. A woman who was only educate until Standard 6 with a famous and successful specialist who owns a Specialist Hospital and few clinic. His assets is worth more than 10 million with one elite bungalow in KL and exclusive condo in Singapore.

His beautiful wife was blessed with 3 children and was prescribe with mental illness due to stress life she leads. She was ordered to stay in Singapore being away from her husband and his 3 kids. Reason due was for him to feel depressed with the situation and when his wife ask for his hospital and clinics to be transferred to her name when he cant stand to be lonely on his own in KL if he wants her to comeback to him. 20k a month was sent to her for her needs, shopping spree gala and her partying time from her darling husband.

Dr Jefri the successful doctor was a very patience man who fights his loneliness with his bz doctor’s life and fill his time with chat world and as well browse porn site to relief his lust and desire for woman. Came along Kesuma who was a drug pharmacologist was so modest and down to earth woman who associates every her daily life with praise to god all the time. Be it when she chat with Dr Jefri, her colleagues, her family and friends.

She met Dr Jefri daughter by accident in a bookshop and became good frens since then. Abdul came along who was a bodyguard, cum PA, cum driver, cum clerk a friend and etc to be a help to Dr Jefri. He was there to apply for a gardener job from Datin Kamariah who was Datuk Habib wife and father to Sarinita, Dr Jefri’s pretty wife.

While Sarinita was in Singapore she wasn’t look like she is a woman with mental disorder like prescribe by a doctor appointed by Datuk Habib. Datuk came to her house to pester her, to ask her to get her husband to change the name to her and then he can take that to his property to pay back all the money spend to raise her and to make him a successful Doctor now. He was paranoid when Sarinita scared to voice it out to her husband.

Datin Kamariah was so fond with Abdul, Dr Jefri’s driver or PA. He was young, tall, handsome, noble, humble, modest least but not last never forget his creator in his daily life.

Kesuma was taken aback of her own feeling towards Abdul and conflict arised when she made a decision of marrying him. Her mother saw the difference of the two in two different world. While Dr Jefri was trying his best to approach her and trying to be fair to his wife who was sick. Dr Jefri was on dilemma as to weather to follow his heart or still be sensible to his wife and her family. He has fallen in love with Kesuma.

Sarinita was so confused of why when she is with him she cant stand her feeling of jealousy and wonder where he goes at night if he is on call. Dr Jefri was one handsome man around his age of 40 and was successful at his age. Fighting his loneliness and desire was one thing he manage before meeting Kesuma and Pandan his cyber friend.

He talked it all to her during her chat and Abduls knows of his employer intention. Abdul himself was already fall for Kesuma and yet to reveal his feelings until one fine day they met to express each others. Kesuma who was so certain of her decision despite her mother rejection and she got her answered after performing her istikharah.

She was glad she was on the right track and two is tangoing the same soul music. She and Abdul flee on the day Datuk Habib being arrested by the police. Forging death slip of his second wife, selling her assets without consent and building and apartment on the said assets plus other chargers related to his wealth. Kesuma had the matter settle for Tania, first daughter of Sarinita and Dr Jefri by bringing her to Singapore to bring his whole family home to KL.

Sarinita was not actually sick with stress disorder or mental disorder. That was her feeling of being insecure and inferior of whom she is. Dr Jefri managed to find a physician for her to do perform counseling and boost her motivation and now she is learning new technology and understand bit by bit of her husband working style. She has her mind set for things and happy with all her family around her. Kesuma was happy that she can be her friend and become god sister to Tania, Dean and Sonia, Dr Jefri kids.

Datin Kamariah laughed at the arrestment of her husband. To her, god had paid cash on his cruelty and she is willing to testify for his greediness and unselfishness towards all the woman he marries. The only thing Datin Kamariah who was wheeled chaired after and accident was really sick now longing for Abdul to be back and to take her to Mekah as he promised.

Kesuma, Daniel, and Yatimah (Abdul/ Daniels Mom) appeared at the door of Hindun’s after few weeks being away. Kesuma is now certain that Abdul whom she met once was the person she met during the conference in Manchester 3 years ago. Daniel/Abdul is Datuk Habib son with his second wife Yatimah whom was locked up in a room with no mercy.

They visit Datin Kamariah and apologize for making Datuk Habib jailed. Daniel knows Datin wanted to see Yatimah before she dies and before she’s going to Mekah. Both of them apologize and make their way for umrah in Mekah together with paired newly wed. Daniel married Kesuma with her mother consent and Hindun now realize not every driver has bad intention to marry his successful daughter for her money. He was a millionaire himself beside his selfish, greedy, unethical, cruel father Datuk Habib.

Dr Jefri still waited for his Pandan friend to appear even now he knows he cant be with Kesuma who was a wife to his driver. Dean who happen to came to his room talking to Pandan revealed who J&H are and Kesuma@Pandan congratulate him of his victory to bring his whole family back to him and lead a happy life.

Novel: Hanya Kerana Cinta

Penulis: Norhayati Berahim

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Unselfishess, greediness, cruelty and whatsoever associating to that can cause stress to you or your immediate family. The instant urge to know something beyond your reach also can caused stress. Insecure and inferiority makes one so unstable and that cause stress too.

Being away for 2 ½ days caused by stress, weather, environment and much thinking, trigger my asthma attack together with my low sugar in blood. Heartbeat faster and heatiness strikes. Was sweating the whole day and shivering at the same time. God is sending a message to me. Stop chasing what the world can offer. Start thinking about death which can come in no time soon, think more of HIM but not what I can achieve now. I got it all, and nothing much to go for. I will go with the flow of nature. No one can dictate me anymore unless I allow it to be. My smile will always be my best friend ever.

The closeness, the bondage of my children are the fastest healing medicine and sensation I had. Without them I can be one mental disorder person too.

Ill be around now perhaps not like last time. This writing was a way of an escapism for me to express and reveal my feelings the way I wanted to be. Ill write my mind away and will always find an expensive topics to rant in here. Expensive because reality is such when its revealed. Get smashed and dashed nicely the way they think. I like that, isn’t that a challenge and im thankful for they still find a way to find me.

Thank you. May tomorrow leads me to more exciting and amusing phase for next path. My journey is still long and destiny is somewhere waiting. Everything is very expensive now even to type this content out. One thing I want to achieve now after watching a drama “Kiamat sudah dekat” I need to find the depth of Ilmu Ikhlas. May I find the real Ikhlas in anyway and action I did in my daily life towards each and everyone. No matter what people saying I believe in my faith and will let Him lead me always. Amin