Private Dance

19 March 2007

The rythm, the melody swayz herbody left and right. Following the tempo and music to her ease. The mixture of the instruments blends in her magical move. Enticing her from within making the move flowing like a wind.
It has to blend in together with her emotions, her feel, her right situation and her timing. Well developed into her lyrics and blasted outright to everyone surrounding her. Its either they just look, they claps together or even hold on to her waist to fit in the rythm together.
The tempo which fails to trail every inch of her slender body will slowly left giving more rooms to whom can take her hand in the new melody. Fast, slow, tango, salsa, mambo, limbo, rock, soul, jazzy anything that catch her glittering eyes and her soul and crack a smile on her lips.

3.07pm

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Ikhlas

Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Blogging

18 Jan 2007
6.07pm

Definisi berbeza-beza dari setiap orang. Cara perlakuan, penerimaan dan penyampaian tidak sama. Dihati nawaitu ada tapi apabila dilaksanakan ia kadangkala tidak sampai ketahap yang dikatakan ikhlas.

Apakah ikhlas itu? Dimanakah terletaknya keikhlasan? Bagaimanakah caranya ikhlas itu dilaksanakan? Tidak dinafikan ianya sukar untuk ditentukan dan bagaimana ia dinilaikan.

Mendalami ilmu ikhlas bermakna mencabar kewibawaan diri, iman, taqwa dan minda. Namun jika benar ia datang dari hati yang luhur ianya pasti dilaksanakan. Dan hanya DIA yang dapat mentafsirkan keikhlasan sesuatu perbuatan, niat ataupun keinginan.

Bagaimana mencabar diri dengan ikhlas? Seperti menghulur tangan kanan dan menyorok tangan kiri. Memberi tetapi tak mengaku ianya dari kamu. Sukar untuk dipercayai masih ada insan yang melakukan ini semua tetapi sewajarnya kita tak tahu kerana hanya yang benar-benar ikhlas tidak akan menampakkan diri maupun menyebut apa yang dilakukan, diperbuat hanya untuk mendapatkan keredhaan.

Jelas dimata apa yang terpampang dikehidupan sekarang ini, keikhlasan semakin pupus. Mungkin dari cara penulisan ini anda juga bisa menilai. Tetapi bagiku dari sinilah aku belajar sambil mengingatkan diri kembali dari apa yang sepatutnya kulakukan.

Yang baik dari dia, yang buruk dari kita.
Nawaitu adalah milik kita, penghakiman adalah miliknya.
Wallahuallambissawab....

Boundaries in Relationship

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Current mood: awake Released: 090107 Mood: fine I.'ve been meaning to write about serious topics since i come back to work but nothing come to place and mind go bonkers when there is so many things comes popping. Early in the morning I was startled by a caller in myspace list who doesn't really knows my name and called for farm. Fine, it was me who picks up but it was not fine when I am given such surprise and was not give a respect in terms of setting or starting a frienship. Yes i called him from the office not wanting to give him my handphone number, and the purpose of calling just wanting to say hi and obliged to his invitation of being a friend. Connection or rather networking I should say and that makes me dialling his number. Upon that he called me hoping that I will give my number and my name to continue or prolong the relations. A set of boundaries was created in mylife to look after my interest in any circumstances. Be it in relationship, frenship, networking or rather personal wise. Why? Knowing what I want, where am heading, what to expect and so on makes me not to reveal some info at the very early stage of relation. Yeah the opening is there but time is always the measure of my relationship with anyone. Why because I dont want to cross a border of my own needs and want. Some people dont agree with me but I couldn't agree to what I dont want and not relevant to me. Too bad if they cant wait they have to move on. Back to him, in order knowing a person I do a background check nowadays. No longer touching the acceptance button immediately. I want to know more where would I be, when I let it happen and where its leading. I restricted everything now only on friendship not more nor less. Im in a third stage of rebuilding my life and I dont want to ruin everything that I've done almost 5 years ago. Tough and hard as steel I am now although mellowing with some emotions but sticking to the principal would do good to me insyaallah. I just need one thing this year as new year resolution. I want to be able to have trust and confidence in man again should I can and I should be able to convince myself. Otherwise the stability will make me comfortable of the status, position and be blessed of what I have now for me and my kids. It is all shown clearly by end of 2006. The action and reaction of what I have left 5 years ago with him which is not working and not convincing enough to make me able to respect and adore him still as a man who live with me for 10 years building a life as family. The answer is no no to him, I can be friend but to be back ermmmm..... Love which left as quote only can't build strong relation and now stagnant according to current situation. KIV, Naz said! No, it was not strong encouragement for me. Enforcement and working on the situation will do better for me to convinced that you are worth to be walking the path together but then again its in HIS hand. Im thankfull for that. Blessed that I can see it earlier before I go further indepths in my emotions. I shall leave till the right moment comes. No it never kills my love for him. It still grow but I cant live with love only. D has been consistently showing and proving despite of the rollercoaster life tantrum spells but he is still standing strong beside me, holding my hand but that I dont know for how long. Best man wins and I guess I have the answer as for now. Nope, its never enough and its hard pleasing me of all Ive gone through. I know its hard for em' to pace with my tune. Its all in their hand to prove my hypothesis is wrong and my analysis has to be revised. Im only human. The boundaries set within me to protect what I want and need. Im enjoying what I have now. To understand, to feel, to launch, to tickle, to linger, to crawl, to rant etc. It can go on and on and it will never end. But I love what I have, love whom loving me so much, admire some who has courage to set and go, salute who has courage to knock my door for an opening. All in all I am blessed to have you around me to set the colour of my life. Trying to put and play with the colours accordingly to suit current situation. Sipping sweetness of the taste being patience and passionate about whatever consequences I have to take. And perhaps or rather lastly to find the pair that suits the colours, situation and the bloody emotional me. I love you all. Farmie. 10.46am

Cinta

At last I am releasing myself to think, reflect, and be objective about this am letting the situation to lead now.

Cinta

Treasuring a statement, word,sentence or advice

Current mood: bouncy
Category: Friends

Released 11th Dec 06
Mood:

In action taken, theres always a risk
In every move we take, theres always a memory
Forward is never same as the past

If you are looking for the wandering ghost, it is lost in the soul
Keep searching!!!

When you are on the top, the ground usually and always at the bottom
Whatever you do, the results is always an experience and challenge that you can treasure...

Beside this piece written in someone page as a comments im thinking of a statement given by my fren this morning which bugging me till now. Anyway as I always thought everyone is free to say, judge or even making conclusion based on what they see but again its always held within of a person why certain decision or measure taken on each action.

I am still searching and also researching of some analysis and hyphotesis. God has reason why he send things his way for us to think, reflect and be objective on everything happen or done. The question should be ask within ourselves and not him because HE has got all the answers since we born but Us was the reason why we should think and rethink why ALL this happen to us.

Farmies work desk
11.45am
Have a nice day...

Treasuring a statement, word,sentence or advice

Current mood: bouncy
Category: Friends

Released 11th Dec 06
Mood:

In action taken, theres always a risk
In every move we take, theres always a memory
Forward is never same as the past

If you are looking for the wandering ghost, it is lost in the soul
Keep searching!!!

When you are on the top, the ground usually and always at the bottom
Whatever you do, the results is always an experience and challenge that you can treasure...

Beside this piece written in someone page as a comments im thinking of a statement given by my fren this morning which bugging me till now. Anyway as I always thought everyone is free to say, judge or even making conclusion based on what they see but again its always held within of a person why certain decision or measure taken on each action.

I am still searching and also researching of some analysis and hyphotesis. God has reason why he send things his way for us to think, reflect and be objective on everything happen or done. The question should be ask within ourselves and not him because HE has got all the answers since we born but Us was the reason why we should think and rethink why ALL this happen to us.

Farmies work desk
11.45am
Have a nice day...

Commitment

Current mood: chipper
Category: Blogging

Release:131106
Mood: Chirrpy

I need a peacefull mind and thoughts when it comes to life commitment. Its not an easy task to perform nor to understand what commitment is. I was asked many time for my commitment in partnering issue. Most of the time I ignore it because time has never arise and I always have doubts for that.

It worries me a lot shall I not able to deliver or theres so high expectation over me. I am just a normal human being who seem to make mistakes there and then. Even most of the time I avoid it but no I am not able to anymore.

There is a space in me needed attention to be addressed. I was avoiding my needs and want in terms of partnership because I think I won't be able to deliver and accept the hicups should there be again. I know it is wrong to think that way but I cant help it.

Things that happen infront of me are so clear and does not make me comfortable with it. My current situation soothe me in my comfy zone but people keep on came knocking and giving. Taking is one thing but to be asked to be considered and reasonably can fit into my space and zone within my kids, families and frens are rare. So I have to give it a thought.

One or twice trying to avoid it but it lingers round and round. With the constant pace and the way of showing it, I cant be denying and resisting it. I'm trying hard to pleased me and never let anyone do it.

But I guess its about time I want to be pleased. Sensing its coming and having it felt over me was the whole new experience whereby this time I dont have to do much. I show off my uneasiness, my anger, my temper, my jovial part, my moodiness and everything without having problems but to accept the pampering, the mannering and so forth. It tasted good but I always reminded myself. He is on heels over me now, wait till the feel is gone or wait till well... assumption, assumption, assumption he said...

Well if the assumption is going to make me thind million times before commiting, I love to do that then. First of all when I commit myself to consider and have that thought shared, it took few weeks for him to adapt it and come back to me with a statement "give me sometime to resolve this problems". Whereby beforehand I challenged him with so many questions and consequences and conquest him on certain situation which needs tough answers to be addressed.

"The answer is yes, easy and it can be tackled... so long you give me your commitment" he said...
All those said are bullshit!!! Testing me are you??? U'll end up freaking out.

After that I just take what comes. Testing me with so many surprise and he was surprised when whatever he presented was then turnaround by me. He manage it well. Infact he has his way. Somehow he pass some test and fail some but then again it is fair to say that he is trying to prove me that relationship is worth to think again.

As for now I will keep eyeing on certain things that I need to and make sure I have the precaution measure 'ON' everytime. Enjoying his company while I have R to refer and other friends to juggle with was a good experience. Meantime, he and me deserve a chance to try. And if it is not working, at least, I'd try and have the experience and fond memories of it to treasure for being his friend, lover and female companion.

Kisah si Tukang Kayu (A Mirror to Reflect)

Release:111106
Mood: Calm

Terpanggil untuk membaca junk email yang di cc oleh seorang teman dari negara jiran. Pendahuluan amat simple seperti tidak mahu meneruskan pembacaan. Seperti biasa aku melangkaui batas pemerhatian terus kepada isi tengah dan terus membaca.

Isinya amat ringkas tetapi semakin dibaca amat mengesankan. Satu cerita ringkas yang memberi imbasan keatas diri sendiri tentang tujuan kehidupan, arah/ erti dan pencarian dan juga noktah kehidupan.

Begini Ceritanya :

Seorang tukang kayu tua bermaksud pensiun dari pekerjaannya di sebuah perusahaan konstruksi real estate. Ia menyampaikan keinginannya tersebut pada
pemilik perusahaan.

Ia ingin beristirahat dan menikmati sisa hari tuanya dengan penuh Kedamaian bersama istri dan keluarganya. Pemilik perusahaan merasa sedih kehilangan salah seorang pekerja terbaiknya.

Ia lalu memohon pada tukang kayu tersebut untuk membuatkan sebuah rumah untuk dirinya. Tukang kayu mengangguk menyetujui permohonan pribadi pemilik perusahaan itu.

Tapi, sebenarnya ia merasa terpaksa. Ia ingin segera berhenti. Hatinya tidak sepenuhnya dicurahkan. Dengan ogah-ogahan ia mengerjakan proyek itu. Ia cuma menggunakan bahan-bahan sekedarnya. Akhirnya selesailah rumah yang diminta oleh tuannya.

Hasilnya bukanlah sebuah rumah baik. Sungguh sayang ia harus mengakhiri kariernya dengan prestasi yang tidak begitu mengagumkan.

Ketika pemilik perusahaan itu datang melihat rumah yang dimintanya, ia menyerahkan sebuah kunci rumah pada si tukang kayu. "Ini adalah rumahmu, " katanya, "hadiah dari kami." Betapa terkejutnya si tukang kayu. Betapa malu dan menyesalnya.

Seandainya saja ia mengetahui bahwa ia sesungguhnya mengerjakan rumah untuk dirinya sendiri, ia tentu akan mengerjakannya dengan cara yang lain sama sekali. Kini
ia harus tinggal di sebuah rumah yang tak terlalu bagus hasil karyanya sendiri.

Itulah yang terjadi pada kehidupan kita. Kadangkala, banyak dari kita yang membangun kehidupan dengan cara yang membingungkan dan kurang bertanggung
jawab.

Lebih memilih berusaha ala kadarnya ketimbang mengupayakan yang baik. Bahkan, pada bagian-bagian terpenting dalam hidup kita tidak memberikan yang terbaik.

Pada akhir perjalanan kita terkejut saat melihat apa yang telah kita lakukan dan menemukan diri kita hidup di dalam sebuah rumah yang kita ciptakan sendiri. Seandainya kita menyadarinya sejak semula kita akan menjalani hidup ini dengan cara yang jauh berbeda.

Renungkan bahwa kita adalah si tukang kayu. Renungkan 'rumah' yang sedang kita bangun.
Setiap hari kita memukul paku, memasang papan, mendirikan dinding dan atap.

Mari kita selesaikan 'rumah' kita dengan sebaik-baiknya seolah-olah hanya mengerjakannya sekali saja dalam seumur hidup.


Cheers,

Back in Peace

Released: 09 Nov 06
Mood: Calm

After a week break for Raya and a week off for company trip in Vietnam im back to office. My last Lucrin jab last 1st week November. Now my back ache and moods unstable. Eating habit not regular and consistent. Dad admitted yesterday and will be operated today. Have a chat with my brother yesterday with current situation after heated sms's two days in a row.

Ida broke a news of her visit to Mecca this year. Im glad she prompted me and reminded me of something that I always put on hold. Thank you dear friend. Sarah and Rozie called after so long break of not meeting each other while Lina keep on reminding me on Hari Raya gathering on Sunday. Planned to cook on Saturday nite but unfortunately not many people can turn up. Suddenly R shocked me with a question on her ex hb told her friend that Im getting married in December. I laughed and at the same time wondering who the hell of the story teller.

All in all Lebaran has just given me a new colours and beginning. The renewal was so good as I am enjoying every minute of it. Of course with some hicups but certainly the book of life change page each day.

Here are some picts that i can upload for all of you. All this beautifull pictures are treasured in my mind and soul as each corner in the world captured the beauty of the maker itself to make us fond of what we found along the way.

Changes

Category: Blogging

Released: 190906
Mood: Alert

It has to be constant change or other wise you won't be changing at all. Courage is what I dont have now. Ask me to do the toughest job, insyaallah I'll find a mechanism to work it out, ask me to fix things in the house insyaallah I'll find a right tools to fix it, ask me to jump from one place to another insyaallah I will find ways to be there, ask me anything but not a marriage proposal.

"What's wrong with you"
"I dont know..."
"He is certain....
"But im not..."
"What else do you want?"
"I dont know"
"What else he dont have?"
"He got it everything..."
"Then what is not right then?"
"Me..... I cant convince myself I will make him happy as he think I would, although I think he would make me happy, he prove me before, he prove me now and still trying to convinced me tomorrow. Do you think he ever give up"
"Im not sure Na...its depending on what you want"

Was I needing a partner badly? Was I so lonely? Was I bad financially? Was I not having company as in family or kids? Was I not supported enough by friends? Was I not having enough love around me be it from girlfriends, siblings, boyfriends, relatives and etc? Was I stingy to pour my love to anyone? Was I not doing what I wanted to do?

He understand it all of what I have left, what I'm pacing around now and what I am looking forward next. He knows it all because he has been there hearing me punching or pouring the words and he was there to nurture and cherish all the pain that I pour for him to listen, for him to lend his shoulder to lean.

Day by day I was leaning closer, mingling around like a kitten getting his full attention and love. He is pouring it unconditionally without saying anything more nor less. He know I dont like to be pushed, nor being posses, he knows I will turn to him as and when I need him and will say no when he cant.

Thats what has started as friends and slowly changed as close for the emotional feel to bond us together. I was split into two in between friends and turning it into a lover but HOW?

Those comfortable zone I created for him was actually reversed now. Just like what I wanted. Would I let it ruined just because Im confused?

"I leave it to you to decide dear.... I dont know how else I can prove you... You stop me from seeing your parents, you stop me from sending my people to your house...Think.... Take your time..."
"How long can you wait?"
"I hope not long"
"Why?" still testing him to the max which I know the answer within
... He keep quiet, turning his face away hiding his feelings. I know I hurt him but to convince me of tomorrow that I wasnt sure, is really hard. He knows many is coming to the way waiting for my opening at anytime it strikes my mood to say yes. He knows that my moods and colours always varies at times but he knows if Im treated right the bright colours was never failed to capture peoples mind and attention. With that I reserve the possibility of them to come in nearer, closer.

There is few in mind which I have already make my thinking of opening, or just tickling or rather make em feel more comfortable but not looking for possibility of being a lover. *sigh* Difficult indeed because once im in it I wont be able to turn back but to accept.

And with that I remember the chat with an Australian guy last week of my believe in our faith and god. He was so certain that god is within us only if we really know how to find the real us and accepting HIM in the daily life and believe of what happen to ourself are actually derive by what we do.

I know the answer is already there it is just the time for my opening to embark the new life. Life is a game and the ten rules applies. And if Love is a game too then the adventure is within us who is willing to accept the challenge to go through it.

I will have to consider many quest and options which may come within sooner or later.


Insyaallah....
7.35pm

Pride & Prejudice OR Proud & without Prejudice

Current mood: cheerful
Category: Blogging
Released:140906
Mood: Proud

People always relate looks with attitude and behaviour.

The skin, the look, the way they carry themselves always been observe and judge. Be it male or female. Why people are so judgemental?

Even close friend. My take is, human have got their strengths and weaknesses. Individuals comes in a package of what they are. I have no say on that but to take them as it is.

This came from a short question "what do you think of him being my future husband?". My daughter, as a close example said this "not suitable lah ibu". I smiled and already had that answer within my mind. I probe her further…


"Why darling?"….

"He is dark mom, and you are fair…."

"So?? You father was dark too and so do all of you…."


She smiled, unable to answered further and I hugged her and explained. The outer skin is not what matter in a person. It is where your attitude and behaviour is much more important than the colour that you seen in a person. Your heart is what matter most.

One marriage and three times lover with charisma, looks and own integrity failed to prove me looks are what they are. Pleasant to see, nice to be with aren't giving you definite happiness and suitability as a partner. They are fragile yet as vulnerable as women are.

Women are tougher than them. Proven and endorsed by many superb mom in the world. Although they have to raised the kids alone they are still survivor and looking forward for tomorrow. That's what I call "Proud & without Prejudice".

Back to "Pride & Prejudice" it came with a price. The walk with the look full of pride and people look and being prejudice. By showing good look, it portrays good behaviour, attitude and charisma. How true it is?? Look up and ask yourself.

Even my best friend commented this "3 months for him to get fairer?" Yes, it hurts me but that's her personal views. They are even school mates during their school days. When I probe her further she did not answer me. Noted her sincerity and honesty and I moved on. While the other says not suitable comparing my personality and his, before knowing the real him. She just know him from the surface.

I was interrogated and asked many questions but I answer to the best I know. And he keep on pestering for my decision. I need time to find out the honesty and sincerity. Today I was shut up again by things that he wants to do. I just need a prove not anymore talk over things which has wasted my time.

If this is a tough testament to you, yes indeed it is. I trust guys no more. Prove me, tell me I'm wrong with reasons to believe. I'll give you my hand. Lets walk together along the path of life. If you like to talked it over, share with me and aim the goal to come nearer. Ill hold your hand, lets cherish it, lets nurture and and if it doesn't happen after we tried, I don't mind afterall, I have given me myself a chance and you have taste the bitterness of the path that we walk through.

A chance indeed is what I am giving me and you.

Prove me, that's all.

7.02pm

Essence of Patience

Essence of Patience

Released: 060906
Mood: Cheerful

Relations, relations, relations!!! My zodiac says in one of the page I browsed early this year. I dont trust those but then now im recalling one after another are related to each other.

The key words to me are "open up". Lucky or not it depends on me. So one by one come and go releasing the past that haunting me. Now im taking it easily and lightly.

Everything falls into place. I pick them and go on flowing with the nature. They cant wait they run ahead, they can't patch up they are left behind and those who walk together are still there hand in hand holding the essence of relationship.

How? I dont know. They came around and I make frens. They love my style and presence they stay, they dont they leave. I never stop them nor guiding them. I dont rule them, nor want them to change for me. I am enjoying them as what they are.

I am not anymore romancing the stone. I am breaking the ice and the great wall I created has become a frenly boundaries that I can lean on when I fall. It is sweet I could say. Despite the hurt I have because of the remarks or emotional feelings, all in all I am ok.

Anticipation is sweet.
From my work desk,
9.02pm

hESItaTING...

Category: Romance and Relationships

Released: 080906
Mood: Quizicall

Not sure.... thats the words for my feelings.
Question posted was left unanswered, just as yet.
I need to do ground checked and lots of digging work to do.

1. Sense of Responsibility
2. Sense of Humour
3. Sense of Loving
4. Sense of Labourship
5. Sense of Freindship
6. Sense of Respect
7. Sense of Honour
8. Sense of Logic
9. Sense of Maturity
10. Sense of Commitment

And my list can go on forever. You will feel bored but its amused me somehow. The more I take it, the more it blends in me softly, lovingly and caressing my life.

People said I made things so complex, like seing horror movie. The difficulties are made to make a simple life once everything is sorted when you are made to be mine. Past is lesson, learnings makes one matured and wise. The complexity makes me whom I am today and no matter how hard the case is, I am able to stand strong and walk through my destiny.

Im coming to the end soon? Yes, when I have made the decision.

Marry or not to marry? :-)

5.26pm

Scent of Trusting

Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Released: 060906
Mood: shaky

Ive been quiet for the past 2 weeks...
Why??? Consoling, encapsulating, invigorating my mind into a new path again. A change of lane. Why be in a same path which offers nothing. I have to move on. Time is getting shorter. For me, my kids and future.

Alhamdullillah I took it simpler and not harder like the last. Give a notion, signal and waited for the light to change but they aint any colours strikes. So I move on.

My best fren wedding was the most glamourous after Datuk K and CT. She was beautiful, astonishing and sweet. To "Tee and Roslee" CONGRATULATIONs, semoga berkekalan keanak cucu.

While the other was officially divorced for the second time. Perhaps theres a blessing besides the separation. She is now more happy and focused and not to mentioned enjoying the name of freedom and happy life with people around her. To "R", redhalah dalam menerima setiap percubaan dan dugaan yang dianugerahinya.

While me? Many things happens. Yup. Managing my children most importantly who look forward to Auntie Glamour's wedding of the year. Family bondage getting better and friends who has been there always to boost support and motivate.

Love life... I have to put it a stop. Its too pain for him to go through the difficulties. No, not that I dont love him. Because I do I have to let him go back to his wife and family. Hearing her voice, hearing her mumbling. I know theres something wrong in their marriage, in her and him. Not just one party. Marriage is sharing, both has to share emotional bondage, difficulties, happiness, consequences, anything that comes up there and then along the journey of life.

Hurt, sad, or happy, am I not feeling that when I have to let go? I do, yes, but I have to be sincere to myself. In order for me to be happy I cant live in another person misery. If he cant stand for me, behind me or being a supporter to me, can I be his shadow behind all the plan and fantasies we have in future. Obsolutely not. Go on stabilise your life. I will be fine. Insyaallah god willing.

And when comes to that, a fren who has been there always swept me from the downfall by listening, encouraging, boosting, motivating and advising suddenly tickle me with a statement "Farm, I symphatize with you". I was stunned then was laughing. "Hoi, since when you know how to talk like this?" Being me, we talk, we argue, we laugh, we shared a good time karaokeing, teh tariking, gathering, kenduri's and etc. Never that I thought he would say things like that. In a row of the week he has been there pacifying, talking, rambling, scolding and yet pouring how he feels when he saw these people making use of me while I'm there.

It was like a slap and also dreaming in a day light when he asked me "what do you actually want and what do you want in a man?"... Eh mamat tak de kene mengenanya soklan kamu tu dengan apa yang aku hadapilah. Apasal you ni?"...

He has been trying to fix date for me despite my ignorance, but with his presence I agree to meet his fren few times. It doesnt give me any feel altho we can be frens, I can say good frens but I dont and cant take them as closer and he wants me to be. At last he, himself after being with me almost everyday, he broke the silence "I never feel in love like I do with you". My eyes almost pop out, my heart stop beating, I feel shallow and I thought I am going to vomit or faint.

He is falling for me? Hello did I hear it correctly? Yes, sms, call, meeting make us very close just like Im having my gfs with me. I feel safe, I feel good, I feel everything. I like to tease, not just him. Natural flirt, some would say, it was just for stimulation of brains and mind. Not that I think it would be taken seriously and it does mean something for him.

And 2 days ago I was proposed again and that makes me so confused. Commitment scares me?? I want to be love and loved but yet im scared I would failed again. To give is nothing, to expect is something. Would I deliver, would I be getting the right things Ive asked for. I leave it to him. A fren of mine suggesting "Istikharah" and give myself a chance until June next year.

I will have to settle my case with Naz and Im moving. To accept or not I will have to let time decide for me beside seeking solace in HIM to guide me. I hope he is the right one for me as Ive seen the quality and prove which is not just coincidence.

Restui aku....

1.44pm

Scent of LOVE

Current mood: cheerful
Category: Romance and Relationships

Released : 250806
Mood: Cheerio

Its pretty obvious to address a need in you while having relations be it friendship or an affair. Look would play a very good role in attracting individual appeal. Daily life is teaching us many things if we think and realise what happens.

Keanu Reeves look so cool, Richard Gere look so damn sexy, Jon Claude Van Damme look so masculine. But behind what they have we cant have what we want in a MAN. Sexy look dont provide passion, Cool dont mean we are going to be comfortable, Masculine wont provide security. If you think about it one by one, you would find the answer why I said this.

I am going to speak thru experience of being with these 3, I should say. Big masculine guy cant really stand for you when you need them to be firm with some situation which needs emotions, while sexy guy can only be passionate but cant provide you the masculinity or security that you want and cool guy needs to be hold in doing many things. Gosh! it's so difficult to get all in one.

I never expect anything all in one should I choose to be in one person. What ever they can be when they are with me that makes them very special on their very own way. If I need other than what they can provide I will turn to someone who has that quality and not jeorpadising nor making them look ugly in their way. I deal it my way, and so it will be fair to me, him or anybody.

Coming back to the look as I said, it will never promise you anything. It's always coming back of what YOU want rather than what he can provide. You got the look, theres no money nor security. You got the security but he looks like a mafia bombers. Which is more scary?

To me, looks may fade but being whom he is and be honest of what he can give and what not, are far safer and soothing than anything else. Beside never expect something that is not in you and he will understand that what is in him that he can offer so far. Be fair to yourself in order to be fair to your partner.

Lesson that I take after so many friendship and relations has made me wiser n more understanding of what human being are. To love him is by loving yourself more than anything else.

August has thought me a very good lesson and be kinder in life of understanding what love is. LOVE come from every direction and form.

I can still love him no matter how hurtful it is when he stabbed me from behind or thru anything else. For the fact I dont impose rules but rationality that make him think at the very end of day, I let him go because I love him and want him to be happier than he is with me. And with that GOD will send me someone better than he is. Im blessed and always thankful HE made me open up my eyes and made me WIDE awake even when I have to cry somehow.

I will only make my decision when the junction is only rather this or that. For now I will pour my love to whom needing without any condition and boundaries. And I am taking what they are offering for a good intention and openness.

And here I am to offer so much love to whom who would want to share with me be it in the form of friendship or ................

Scent of Friendship and Trust

Current mood: cheerful
Category: Friends

Released: 210806
Mood: Gotcha!!!

There has been two testament came today which turns out to be so sweetly than I think off.

A friend is still a fren and will not change to be a monster like we used to think. As for me the truths will always be a truth that can't be easily denied. And it proves me right again.

I had a very pressured weekend last week with a lot of stress and heavy workload and at the end turns out very well by the end of Friday nite. We were having loads of fun right through the wee hours.

Next day, breakfast in Mandarin Oriental with a friend for a meeting and lunch in Klang for a change of menu and kg recipe. Talking about it making me smiling. Tempoyak!! Say that again yeah Tempoyak for lunch and coffee to perk up after the good meal was good.

Two hours entertainment after coffee and then to Bandar Tasik Selatan to collect some document and pick my kids then we are off to watch a movie.

I had a full day with laughter, learnings, and sadness covered all in one. Drifting off around midnite n woke up at almost 4am. Am thinking again of all the things happen lately which passing by like a screen one after another. On my phone and start replying few messages ignored during the daytime.
Some who is still up keep on smsing till i gave up n wave goodbye.

There is still people who stands by you at time you dont think they would. Never ever think you are always alone. No you are not, not at all. By 10 next day Widi sms thought i had missed the jogging session which he does without me. Later than we met for breakfast and had my car serviced. Off i took my kids for the routine outings and this time to Sg Wang. What a mistake!

Resting for few hours and off again to do my chores and got myself a movie ticket for the Lake House movie. He was there keeping me company since Friday nite, whole Saturday, Sunday morning and break daytime and again with the movie. I was starting to ask myself, what kind of friend who stand by you at anytime you need it most. For every question i'd asked, i've always had an answer.

And the question I'd asked to myself last two days answered today about the next step. A new beginning has just begun when she called me at 11.40am and the new Ramlah from Segambut appears in the picture.

As adviced if I want to make a decisiom than I have to go through the hardest stage. And I will have an answer and decide later.

"Tak guna jika aku berwasangka buruk dan tak mengapa kalau aku dikatakan bodoh jika tidak mengesyaki sesuatu". Determination and trust on the instinct was the best deal I've always had. God has been helping all this while with the answers and question I had for HIM.

To my dearest fren who had a newborn baby few days ago, CONGRATULATIONS. May the joy and happiness filled in their life with the arrival of the baby of tomorrow. May the couple and the sibblings shared the laughter and joy and be blessed.

Signing of...

Do or Not to Do IT

Category: Bitching

Released: 160806
Mood: OK

I have this thoughts in the back of my mind everytime I went out with my girl friend.

Women indeed love to shop, splashing herself with nice parfum, walking tall with branded shoes, stylishly holding expensive handbags, winking behind gorgeous tinted sunglasses, swaying left and right with her glittering outfit.

Yes indeed, she looks so cool, outrageous and beautiful. Behind all those there is someone who has to pay for all she wears. Its either she wore for him or for potential victims who are not stingy to pay.

Im not talking specifically about single women but generally all. Wife, mistress, girlfriends, sisters, moms anybody namely women. But for those who spend it with her own money excuse me for being obnoxious here.

Her statement to me was (a wife to a man of course) "if i dont spend his money, who do you think he will spend it off". She was speaking with her jealousy over a woman who is trying to fish her husband despite her being 10% times more good looking than that particular girl.

It was always a women who was the one to spend the hard earn money of a man. Namely father, husband, boyfriend, brother or etc. But for a jerk of course not he will take rather than give. For this kind of bastards then you know what you should do.

She was trying to approach me and wooing me to people which was to me is just another passing time hallucination. Anyway just smiling I went along so that I wont be pestered all the time with my own barriers and limitation.

Has been always giving example to another fren whom always on the go everynite meeting, clubbing and having jolly good time spending and having fun doesn’t really excite me.

At the end of the day I had to ask her again “put yourself in the husband’s wife, would you like your husband money to be spent on other people?”. I know with this question, I always make my frenz throw me out for a while and later when it comes to sense they came back like nothing happen.

Who doesn’t like to spend, who doesn’t want to have all the luxuries in life. At least if one work on it hard or smart and use it for the right purpose I’m sure every one doesn’t have to cry over the situation of using nor being used.

Again the question is always back to you. You want to do it, then go for it.

Self Respect

CATEGORY: BLOGGING

Released: 150806

Mood : Contented

Currently listening: Bertakhta Dihati-Farahdiya

Respecting individual for their ownself are not an easy task. Every each one has their own characteristic and charm. Understanding ourself are hard, what more to expect on others.

Often we heard men complaining difficulties to understand a woman but do we women understand men.

Time change people, trend and style. It flies accordingly without us noting it where and when. Nobody knows what tomorrow could bring and to expect.

Respect… how do we gain it? How do we respect ourself? By understanding our needs and wants. Do we know what we want and what we need in our life? In order to find it out, one has to ask ownself and do a checklist on what are the things have been achieved so far ever since we set our foot in this world. Goal, aim and ambition are what we look forward to achieve in life. But how do we get it in the end?

Respecting what we like and dislikes are next point should be think of. Why we like certain things and why don’t we like certain point of life. Addressing it one by one isn’t easy though but at least we know, what should be taken carefor reason to improve it.

How far can respect be achieved in daily life? What is the right things to do in order to gain the respect from others.

First of all respecting the needs of our innerself and achieve it will make us happy and go through next step of life. If we cant achieve our own needs, how are we going to grant a respect to others.

Lets the thoughts ponder and mingle.

1.17am

Scent of Understanding

Released: 140506
Mood: Calm

Not that I have lost the passion to write but time is too limited and as soon as I reached home theres another figure waiting for my attention besides freinds who need to be attended to.

Weeks past so fast without leaving any moment without doing nothing. A drive down to Mahkota Hotel, Melaka for the Maggi Roadshow was good. I wasn't feeling that good when I left KL hence that makes me taking the offer to go, otherwise I stay put beside my body condition and tiredness not allowing anyform of travelling. But then I'm happy I took the risk of going and be with people around me besides having her for the Maggi project.

While she give her speech I make a walk to Mahkota Parade as usual trying to amuse me with the people around and things surround me are so happening upbeat. While walking tried calling an acquaintance whom I'd love to see since I guess quite long too since my last visit which i cant remember at all now. Darn!!!

While sipping my hot chocolate and having my doughnut, I kept thinking what are the next move that should be taken. Mom called while I was drifting with an ideas and suggestion. It wasnt my real mother though but at least I can talk to her and pour my heart out.

With that advice, I'm keeping everything just like I had 15 years ago and let it roam with the time and let him decide. Patience is all I need beside giving my full attention to my kids and also current situation that need to be addressed and taken care of.

Not regreting of what happen but taking it with all my open heart and mind. It may be a blessing in disguise besides giving him the time, space and chance to look at what he is planning and doing.

May all of us are still intact in his guidance and my pray and dreams will come true at the end of the day.

Looking forward for tomorrow never fail to spark a smile...

Thank you mak.