Sealed...

Category: Feeding and Splurting/ Spitting

Penna:Lynna
Released:240506
Mood: Normal

Noted my readers this week hit 113. What a number!!!

Flashing back...

I was just smiling and laughing this morning pada hakikat nya dia merasakan terbakar hangus. Entah aku tak merasa apa-apa kerana tiada yang terkecuali dalam kehidupan kita ini. Pasti merasa dan terasa. Been there, done that, feel it and be good about it. DIA MAHA MENGETAHUI dan KEPADANYA ku berserah

Flashing back on my tantrum last nite:

Last night I cried again after showing my temper to him. I drove without looking back and did not return the peek. I was too engrossed with myself. Yes, very much. Hated that situation but then I cant look down about what I want anymore. I know because of his quietness, I am being dominant. Yes, his quietness has made him what I am and he is now.

Next time cry when I am with you, dont cry like this because I cant hold you in my arms, I was quiet and sulking upon hearing his word. I can't anymore talk, so shock to listen what Ive just heard.

Dont hold me in your mind, soul and heart. Dont do this to me. Not anymore. On the other hand, his love that bonds me to him since the last day I walked away from him, it is in his eyes, gesture and heart. No I dont want to let him go, but I want him to go away from me. So complicating, yes I know.

Tidak semua peminta sedekah itu mendapatkan sedekahnya pada hari itu

Apa maksudmu??? Bukan dari ku tempat kau meminta, mintalah PADANYA, sepertimana aku meminta dirimu dikembalikan dalam kehidupanku hari ini. DIA maha mendengar malah mengasihani.

His surprise sealed my lips again.

Hai Honey. Abg tau apa yang u rasakan. Sebenarnya abang yang tak pandai atau bodoh untuk menunjukkan kasih sayang abang pada u. Kasih yang u berikan sesungguhnya sangat sampai kedalam hati abang dan amat abang hargai. Kenapa seorang suami menidakkan kasih sayang yang u beri. Berilah abang seorang isteri yang mempunyai kasih sayang yang serupa seperti mana yang ditunjukkan oleh u kepada i. Maka beruntung lah si suami mempunyai isteri yang melayan suaminya seperti yang u tunjukkan. Semakin hari semakin sayang pada u . Lebih dari 15 tahun dulu.............Love u honey. Sorry about anything that i done wrong to u .

Love comes in everyway and direction not just from one woman to a man. Natures love thats what i called it. As much as i can smell the breath each day is where i know love reach me from HIM, and from there i should know how to distribute it amongst all around me especially kids and u n my families.

Suami, dia pernah merasakan dan mungkin masih merasai dan mungkin merinduinya, tapi sebagai manusia, yang lalu telah berlalu tak mungkin dapat dikembalikan. Walau pahit baginya adalah getir bagiku jua untuk menerima neraka dunia ini. Not easy being single, mother, woman and kekasih. Tapi hakikatnya itulah anugerah untukku. Aku terima seadanya hingga kini.

Untukmu, itu saja yang i ada dan dapat i beri, walau mungkin ada yang tersurat dan tersirat masih jua ia didalam kitab kehidupan kita.
Sesungguhnya i ini cuma dipinjamkan, dan untuk itu sesiapa yang menginginkan haruslah tidak lokek untuk meminta DARINYA setiap hari. I tau, walau i ingin lari jauh dari apa yg i hadapi hari ini, sesungguhnya i lah yg menjerat diri sendiri sehingga saat ini.
Tapi DIALAH yang menyimpan "KUN FA YA KUN" tanpanya tidak adalah goresan, dan airmata yang gugur. Kerana i juga yang membenarkan ia berlaku, seharusnya i biarkan ia berlalu tetapi sayang setiap malam ia mendatangi hatiku dan juga mimpiku.

Mungkinkah impian menjadi kenyataan?

18.06pm

Comfort Zone

Current mood: calm
Category: Friends

Penna: Lynna
Written: 17^th May 2006
Released: 23 May 2006
Mood: Calm
Currently listening: Where is the LOVE

Hatred, jealousy, envious is part of women attitude and behaviour that is undetachable of one woman. No matter how successful they lead their life she at least must have one of those. Be it used in good manner or bad ways.

It is all up to individuals.

In career wise to be envious or jealous over a promotion or to succeed on achieving over a good position is a must. But in daily lives to be jealous of envious over something you have to think it over wisely.

To use those on good deed is a go, go but to use it for a wrong way, its always a no, no. Naturally a thinker would always well measured those accordingly.

On the other hand, I get tired easily nowadays due to age factor and the treatment. Ill have to get used to it. Managing all my children doing homework after working hours sometime can be very taxing. Monitoring my work and focusing on what Im doing is very hard now while having all other things lingering in my thoughts.

It does better on some and got worst on certain things too. Praying everyday may HE leads me to a better path each and everyday. Insyaallah.

Office is going to be shifted soon. There is a lot of things to be done on my part. Checklist on the filing system and also the file in the network. Changing work may be nice but I love the field very much besides giving me lots of knowledge and the challenge in knowing lots of things before it made known to the public or consumers.

Looking forward to my company trip soon and something that I can make up from there. Now I have to work hard and extra hours to get some extra money for that project.

Everyday I am being provoked, tensed and stress. Testing my patience level is good. Playing my role right and safe has always been on top of my mind. Think of it this way, let it hurt me to the maximum, let me sulk but never ever hurt anyone. Friend cut me deep in the morning of her statement "what is past is past. All i know is that we must change towards the best n be wise in all respects". No matter how hurt i am, she/ he is but with her/ him i found a rare gem amongst those i have in my circle. No matter how much people talk about her/ him or me, we take it as a test from above. To someone far away and beautiful, thank you for being there to listen, to boost, to motivate and dont forget to hug mum for me yeah!

Let go lynna, let the wind swept it over far away from you. Let the comfort zone lingers in your mind leaving the cottony soft feeling embracing your day in day out. Let the waves whisper the sounds of music, let the birds sings out the rhythm of nature and let the melody tame me in the peace and calming place.

1810pm

Patience or Passion

Penna: Lynna
Released: 18 May 06
Mood: Contented
Currently Listening: Berhenti Berharap

Patience and passionate are two different things which hold different emotion and notion. Why am I so much in love with this two. Both has different criteria on each set.

Patience…

Something that I hold on to it very long since I am a kid. Upbringing and daily route are not as smooth as others having to enjoy their life as kids. I take all the hardship as a lesson to grow to walk upon the journey of life. Most of those are kept as sweet memories although it was pain when I was first facing it. Now I tend to appreciate it my way as if I don’t have that, it wont be making me as hard as steel today to face difficulties.

So every testament today was just taken as another lesson to live and reason to believe why it is such and such. Life has so many path and level that I choose to live in this way. Although was offered a good life but I have to sacrifice my pride and principle, I choose to stop and take a break for a while and think.

Was it worth to explore because at the very end of the day it may tax my life, my future and also my destiny. Along the way when I left that behind and move on, the thoughts that linger the moment which past do make think again why did I not take it at least just to make my life better than yesterday and get justified.

Was I am that bad before, now or next. What I have left was just a luxury of which can be gotten if I work hard and focused on it. Nothing comes easy and nothing is impossible if one willing to explore and maneuver more on what they want. Faith is something that everyone should have but I know not many believe in it. Well everyone has their own choice and decision are always in their hand.

Passionate…

Everyone has passion and it depends on what they love to have and do. Passionate are often relate with intimacy where intimacy needs a lots tenderness.

Why passionate is related to intimacy? A closeness, tendency, hotsie etc. It depends.

Passionate in career, hobby, life or things that affecting individuals in anything their in love with.

How would one knows what kind of passions that they have in themselves. Only they would know. Their passions will outshine in everyway without being asked to show off. It happens naturally.

An artist will spend hours in completing a portrait without noticing how much time they took to finish it. A trekker will go as deep as they can in the forest just to breath the nature smells and being able to see what earth can offer in the jungle. A geologist will take years to find gems and stones and only to discover new thing that can be introduce to others.

A passionate lover will never give up so fast in finding true love along the way of life. Despite the obstacle and bumpy road they find the beauty in searching their companion/ partner and destiny.

Passionate individuals will swallow everything slowly without having to look back and taking every hiccups as a way to finish the exploration.

Passionately twirling over each and every fingers, trailing up and down along the curve without failing to explore every inch and nerve on the nape. Not forgetting the lobe of the ears, the contour of the eyes, the texture of the skin, the smells of the hair, the softness of the thigh and to feel the goosebumps standing next to your skin.

Passion, not many of us have that continuously in their life which often forgotten after sometime and they need to spice it up with new partner, new hobby, new career, path and so forth.

Passionate need passion and passion need compassion. To achieve those one has to be patient and to build that is all within you.

Dear readers, everything felt in everyway and manner has got lesson to be learned and it gave us way to understand thing that happen.

To love nature and understand why it is there is the best way to be passionate and being patient to adhere things that happen to ourself. Up to here, I have achieved something that I can’t tell what it is within me and by just telling you what it is. But I feel great by writing this I have explore my passion to write since a fren told this is the best way to beat my urge to drive to nowhere in the middle of the night and by doing this I know that I have gone deep inside me to know what I want and what I can achieve and what I crave for.

To Aznin and Rais, Noelle and the rest, you have made me someone that loved, hates, envied, and jealous by anyone and everyone. It only made me know way to appreciate myself, to go into me, to address my need, to find the true path of what I can do next should the be any changes. Life span could be hard, gentle, so so and rigid at times but to understand it accordingly to situation and time made the smile lingers and appreciated why is it happen there and then.

Till then the beauty in a person lies in what they found in them not what they seen ugly on others. I may not be perfect but I know there’s others are better or be it worst than me. I am blessed, happy and contented with what I have achieved so far and destined to…

Good night folks.

12.23am

One Love One Life

Category: Needs, Wants & Desire

Penna: Lynna
Released: 11^th May 2006
Mood: Sad

I was confused when I think of what had make me becoming like this. Me with the colourful life is so conflicting now. My mood swing changed every now and then. After 38 years of life only did I realized I am a very pampered lady. Like a small girl who whine and craved for attention at times. I would do anything to make sure I am attended in my own way. I always had a way. But the way of showing it now is wrong, I whine, I am being aggressive, I am being bitter, I am being hard, why am I turning to the other side of me.

I have lost that before once and now after so many years when I think about who has make me feels this way and when I found him again after that many years being silent in my way. Yes, he never did change in his way. He is still the quiet, unexpressive person that I know before. Now I know why I sulk and marry a wrong guy because of his silence.

Of my manner and demeanor, being happy go lucky, being bubbly, being smiley clown all the time now I know why I become those characters. I was hiding my real self in that personality. I am the one who always wanted to be sitting there overlooking at the horizon for a spot that connects between heaven and earth, between earth n sky, between reality and fantasy.

I am creating a space for myself to be somewhere that I don’t belong to. The space creation are just to fulfill my crave, my needs, my intention to be who I want to be. Although I have come to a phase that I am a survivor to an extend I have gotten just about anything.

Money, career, kids, family, love, pride, dignity, passion, compassion, lust, desire, fantasy and reality are all in a package of my life.

It has been so colourful and beautiful with rains and rainbow in between. Although sunshine sometimes was accompanied with thunderstorm but I am blessed and thankful that I am chosen to have experienced it all.

Perhaps its not time for me yet to reside and be happy ever after. My patience over my ex has paid when he now no longer come and harassed but realize that he has missed those part in life that irreplaceable. Neither do mine, I wont be able to be back in that situation and place, even if I could insyaallah I will never want to be there again. Even he has changed. Do changed for someone else but not me.

Today Stone came back with his lovey dovey words and his idea of getting near me to take me to be his wife. Lan keep on pestering me to come to Kuantan with him to start building a new path of relationship. Those stuff has been build within me but my heart can’t except you since the beginning. Reason being was just purely lust even with Mohd. Being second wife is one thing but coming to me for one reason was a bad idea.

Your package isn’t matching mine at all. Although all of you has solid financial background but your mental and solidity is not enough to convinced me that a leader are what you are made for.

I just want to be somebody who I can be with clean fun and no emotional bondage tied. I am emotionally bonded with someone I met, years ago, whom I was in love with before and still overwhelmed with his affection. Although I tried to erased that many times, waving him away from me but I know somehow I never did had a chance to show him I was in love with him, I was affected by his quietness, by his eyes, by his feelings in his silentness.

I made him feel guilty today by accusing and blaming him for picking the wrong path of life with his silentness once ago but then after I think about it again I was being selfish and never took ‘takdir’ that makes life such way and HE has made us meet again to renew the vow. I am somehow are the greedy, selfish and selfcentred idiot that makes his life miserable.

But I still love him though, still missing him and still wanting and needing him till this very moment. Although I can’t be there for him most of the time but I thought of him every now and then and think why HE meant it such way. In between difficulties, happiness, sorrow, joy and pain but my contentment is still there holding and enveloping him in my desire to own, to love and to nurture even I know the future is unpredictable. It is always in HIS hand to decide. Have faith lynna!!!

1.05am

Do or Don't

Penna: Lynna
Released: 18 May 2006
Mood: Edgy...

Love comes with PAIN
Dreams come with NIGHTMARES
Journey come with DESTINY
Life comes with FANTASY


Luxury comes with PRICE
Pride comes with PRINCIPLE
Dignity comes with HONOUR

Im in dilemma of which will be my next destiny
Love, pride, honour and principle...

*sigh*

18.03pm

Blogging...

Penna: Lynna
Released: 170506
Mood: Awake and Aware

16^th May 2006 – 17^th May 2006

Petikan dari pm box at 13.09pm

It just got into my senses that segarang garang wanita, dia akan berlembut jika merasai yg dia tidak dianiaya selama husband dia ada org lain

so dear....2 choices for u....(1) hv both of them to go for counseling and see what happens (2) discreet marriage

Now I know why he is saying “I’m actually taking advantage over you”. I was quiet hearing that statement and thinking at the same time. While he is in his deep thoughts along the journey back to KL.

It is very clear to me now why he said that. It was long planned. But again it happen because I allow it along the way. Without me knowing the real status, problem and situation. Yeah, it was confirmed that to me that he is actually playing with everyone with the game. But then it has got nothing to do with me because im just taking him as a passers by just like others, a fren indeed. Leave my den and don’t come peeping or lurking, isn’t that would be better for you without having pain.

My confidante called me this morning and keep telling me to be strong and don’t think too much of what im facing. Its just a changing lane for me of having old age… kekekkekeke I am old but not senile just as yet.

On the other hand
Two days was quiet without him to make me emotionally sensitive. Perhaps its much better to go on with life without special bondage attachment. 7 months without anyone around was so peaceful but when it come back lingering in my heart and thoughts it is too much to hold.

Anyway when im contented this way he became aggressively calling, and commanding me. Errkkkk. Commitment makes me pissed, so monogamous was really out of myself. Now I have to do my next plan how and manage myself with or without. What I don’t need was just don’t tell me what to do, tell me just tell me would do and I would think about it.

A boyfriend was pissed with me because he thought I could be a mediator but too bad for some reason it does not come out like what he thinks. I cant make other people to think like I do and wont be able to change myself to be others. All in all he said it was over and he doesn’t know what was said to her and the situation at that time. I can be at any place level and situation but to make me be them, that’s impossible. Everyone in this world has their own attitude and behaviour. For many times I was beaten by their words and make me swallowed and gulp for the poisonous words. Even my best fren did that only it was realized when it comes to her senses and she thinks rationally n not emotionally like when she shout at me there and then. At the end of the day, sorry was just what she can say. Forgiven yes but forgeting it is difficult. Though it is bitter but life has to go on and with that I make my move slowly and accordingly.

Im a fren who can listen and give my piece of mind accordingly to who I am and understand with my view. I respect every views and opinion. Whatever I can take I take, what every I don’t want, I just put aside. Same goes to others take what you want and put aside what you don’t need. I lead a simple life although its hard but I take it naturally. For those who still not satisfied, I couldn’t care less. Why? I don’t come to you in the first place, secondly verification made before meeting took place thirdly it is all up to you to decide for the choice is in you hand. Play your card well. Whatever it is now, I shall take mute action till im provoked.

Friends, i am still so in love with you with the treasure that i carried knowing you is the best and precious gift i had from HIM.

14.03pm

Hakikat Insan

15^th may 2006 – 12.30pm

Penna: Lynna
Released: 15th May 2006
Mood: Cranky

Semakin hari aku menjadi semakin tamak. Kata setengah orang nak berjaya terpaksa ada sifat itu dimana sifat yang berlawanan dari aku. Pemurah dan tamak adalah satu sifat yang berlawanan. 7 sifat yang dilaknat yang boleh membawa kepada kehancuran jiwa adalah, amarah, tamak, hasad dengki, khianat, nafsu, riak, (sorry tak ingat satu lagi).

Kerana pengalaman semalam mengajar aku supaya tidak menjadi seperti lembu yang dicucuk hidung. Tanpa diminta aku sentiasa menghulur, berfikir bahawa kebaikan akan sentiasa menjurus kepada kebahagian. Tapi tidak semua mereka berfikir seperti apa yang kufikir.

Jika aku fikir kesempitan mereka harus ku lebarkan, kekusutan mereka harusku huraikan dengan harapan mereka tahu apa yang sepatutnya dilakukan oleh mereka padaku adalah sesuatu yang salah.

Mereka tidak boleh menjadi aku dan aku tidak mungkin menjadi mereka. Tidak semua mereka mampu sentiasa memberi, tidak semua mereka mampu sentiasa mendengar, tidak semua mereka berbesar hati. Hanya SATU yang bisa melakukan untukku. HANYA DIA.

Aku berperang dengan sifat sebenar. Aku masih lagi menyimpan segala sifat yang dulu. Sukar untuk aku menukarnya. Apabila aku tersedar yang aku semakin tamak, aku terpukul olehnya. Aku jadi amat sensitif. Aku menjadi amat terpenjara dengan keinginan dan harapan.

Semakin ku usir sifat itu semakin ia hampir padaku. Semakin ku jauhkan diri darinya semakin kusengsara. YA ALLAH kenapa aku diuji lagi. Apa yang ingin kau beri padaku lagi selain dari fitnah, nista dan caci maki mereka.

Jauhkan dirinya dari ku YA ALLAH. Tidak aku tak mahu hanyut dilautan nafsu, tidak mahu tergoda oleh amarah, tidak mahu terbuai dek riak, tidak mahu, tidak mahu…Sempurnakanlah pekertiku seperti kau sempurnakan rupa parasku YA ALLAH.

“You got to changed in order to be perfect, after all you are only human”… my confidante told me once… “Just be yourself” another said… “Just do what you want to do farm”… my third confidante told me… In complete words” Its only me who knows what, who, where, what, why, when I want, need in my life”…

Mereka yang berada disekelilingku tak pernah meninggalkan aku tanpa sebab kecuali satu, dua atas sebab yang tidak dapat mereka elakkan atau dengan disengajakan… Setelah membaca Ten Rules of Life aku memikirkan dengan mendalam. Hanya aku yang tahu apa yang terjadi, mengapa ianya terjadi dan yang pasti kerana keputusan dan pilihan adalah milikku maka dengan itu ianya terjadi..

Redha menerimanya adalah satu kemudahan untuk meneruskan hidup… Disamping menjadi rasional dan emosi yang dikendong aku menjadi pemikir yang fanatik sekarang.

Mengapa aku memilih menjadi yang kedua, mengapa aku tidak mahu menerima lamaran dia, bukan satu tapi dua, bujang maupun yang beristeri. Apa mauku memang diketahui tetapi melaksanakannya perlu ketabahan, ketaqwaan dan niat yang betul.

Aku cuma ingin sedikit waktu kerana tanggungjawabku keatas empat amanah tuhan itu amat besar diatas bahuku. Ya benar bukan aku tak boleh berdiri atas kaki ku tetapi sebagai insan dan sebagai manusia aku memerlukan teman yang boleh berkongsi minda dan hati, jiwa dan raga. Bukan semua atas dasar nafsu, kerana amanah tuhan itu perlukan seseorang

Untuk membimbing mereka. Bukan mengatakan walinya tidak mampu tetapi sebagai seorang perempuan yang muhrim bagiku adalah sesuatu yang perlu ku kukuhkan disini.

Benar, kawan banyak disekelilingku. Aku boleh bergurau, aku boleh bertanya, meminta tolong tetapi ada beberapa perkara aku tidak boleh berkongsi dengan mereka dan aku perlukan seseorang yang dekat denganku. Memang banyak andaian yang mereka boleh pertikaikan tetapi hakikatnya pilihan ku ini adalah kerana aku yang menginginkannya begitu.

Aku tahu ia nya adalah satu situasi yang amat sukar untuk keduanya kerana pilihanku itu bukanlah yang akan menyenangkan aku dari segi wang ringgit, status, stabiliti tetapi seseorang yang mengerti dan yang pentingnya menyayangi aku seadanya. Mungkinkah itu terpenuhi? Hanya allah saja yang akan memberi jawapannya.

Adakah aku meminta lebih dari seorang lelaki, suami, kawan, khalifah? Itu semua adalah sifat lelaki yang perlu mereka sendiri dalami. Mungkin kini mereka akan berkata seorang perempuan itu cukup untukku tetapi DIA dan DZATNYA lebih mengetahui mengapa yang tersurat dan tersirat mengatakan lelaki boleh mengambil empat perempuan untuk dijadikan isteri dalam satu masa. Sejauh mana lelaki maupun seorang perempuan itu menghindarinya, tiada siapa yang dapat melarikan diri dari taqdirnya.

Aku memberi diriku satu jangka masa untuk dia dan aku belajar, mengerti, merasa, mengimbangi antara satu sama lain. Ia tak mungkin tercapai jika hanya seorang saja yang mau memahami dan mengambil inisiatif yang diperlukan. Apabila waktu itu tiba di waktu itu juga akan ku tanyakan semula, kusuarakan lagi, dan soalan yang bakal menentukan layakkah kau memimpin aku adalah dimana letaknya DIA didalam DIRIMU dan dimanakah letaknya AKU disisimu…

Setiap yang berada disekelilingku adalah cermin yang bakal membalikkan siapakah aku itu. Dengan itu aku harus belajar mencari siapa AKU dan dimanakah DIA dalam diriku. Ilmu insan dan ilmu ikhlas yang perluku dalami untuk menjadi insan yang redha menerima diri ku seadanya….

19.56pm

Pleasant

Penna: Lynna
Released: 090506
Mood: Creepy

Firm surprised me with a pleasant evening last nite when i just about to leave, i saw him coming and dinner took place in Melia. It was a lovely dinner as usual, he his pampering me with the luxury and exclusivity. Well then, thank you would do enough from me as i dont open up much on everything.
As we decided to end the night, before sending me home i was caught up by surprised again when the warm embrace envelope my body. I was shock by the gesture for he never had a chance to show it to me although deep in him i know it was long waited opportunity. I know he was feeling uneasy when i did not return the gesture as he expected. Perhaps i wasnt belong to that moment, him or that passion was really never in my heart.
I know even how passionate he could be towards me even from the beginning i known him few years ago, i still cant return the same passion and compassion he had for me. NEVER. I like the attention, the way he affects me, his lovely words, his way of getting me to the right place i wanted, and tried to get me a piece that i love to have and even the small tiny thing i wear caugh his attention and inner eyes.
I have never taken any from him despite his numerous offer. Why?? I dont want to be having something from someone that i cant and for sure not going to return a thing. I came as a fren and i will only remain fren. No matter how much you affect me with your passion and gesture. Maybe perhaps not just yet. Perhaps my boderline still high, my limits still intact.
While a days ago, when i was driven in a Merz by a fren for a company of having good time in one of the club in town. While i and rome having a good laugh over two successful businessman as a company, my mind are still pacing with Rome suggestions all this while being my friend. "Why did't i use sometime as an opportunity to change my life path?"
An opportunist will do such, an invader will forgo no matter what stakes they have to go through. But for me my intention was pure, be there as a friend, take you as a friend, have fun being friends and enjoy with a friend. So till now i have never taken any sordid movement in my life.
My ex came and ask me for lunch today. Happily I gave him the time to sit down and catch things up again with him. To ask about his father, his family, life and next thing will happen to him. It was nice, warm and pleasant. When he mentioned to take up his EPF to pay more on the house mortgage, i was taken aback. I never did expected for him to do that, but i would just have to look and see on his movement. But it was never a way to get back what i have left behind. A friend is indeed what i take him now.
No More No Less!!!

15.24pm

Untamed Melody

Category: Bitching (Thanks for the caller who just put down the phone)

Penna: Lynna
Released: 040506
Mood: Evil

Men are selfish, greedy and selfcentred!!! One of my male chatter told me when I brought a subject of being a leader in life. HE proudly confirmed it in due course after seeing, experiencing those around him nowadays. They are born leader and carries heavy responsibilities in this world, in this universe.

Why this subject was brought?

Owh he was glad to see me again online like usual although nowadays was like only when I have the feel to be around or to talk to some people. He was asking me whether I had my tube tied, so for me to enjoy without worrying to have a baby. Hahhaha was he talking to wrong person or company im not sure!

For me to have a baby was always a dream day and night. It has been 8 years since my twins. Again I reminded him only when I found a right husband and only if the guy wanted to have my baby of course I love to smell, to feed, to carry and to borne them to this world. Crazy craving needs. Can I have a baby without a man? Just like Maryam when she is carrying Isa. But I know im not the selected one, so lynna don’t dreams ok.

Why is he saying men are selfish, greedy and selfcentred? Its his own opinion where man are born as leader. Men are granted by god with great mind to reach, guide, and lead his women, families and life. How to be successful, how to tame her, how to make her understand or to be par with her it is also a package in him.

Why men fails are also his fault and not the women. They choose the path that they wanted to be. It was their responsibilities to teach the women of his life in order to make their life successful. To make her as a good supporter, to boost his motivation, to cheer him, to feed, to feel for him, it is all in men hands. But as a good wife, women give all their blessings and support from the back. No matter how much men stray around with other women, she is still there trying to mend things and work things together to make it work towards the end.

Im not saying all men are bad but I do agree with my friend when he said, it was men responsibilities to feed her with “ilmuan” to teach her and make sure things goes smoothly. What I don’t agree is when he said women shouldn’t be blame if it fails. It was not a follower’s fault if one marriage failed. It’s the leader who is supposed to take charge. Why should a man look at other women while his women never do has intention to look at other men. While men feels good to have the attention and having a needs to be having a scandal, the women seek solace in god to show what is the best way to be in the good path with him.

Loyalty in women is undeniable but yes to some extend there are women who are not. Manipulators, razor blades, chicky, opportunist, perfectionist etc, they are those who are successful in dominating men in their own way. Those who knows what real woman responsibilities are often abused mentally and physically to adapt to men rules of thumb.

For those men who knows whom, what they really are will always back up in the first place when they know or when they smell trouble are ahead of them without hesitating.

Women are the powerful weapon when it comes to tame or make them stumble down. Women always knows how to make em fall (vice versa) it takes one hell of a woman to do it, and the courage in her are often recognize as a bitch, manipulator or invader in his life, marriage, families, friends and foes. For that nomination award for the best bitches in the universe should have.

11pm 080506

Simple Rule of Life....

Category: Life, Goals and Hope

Penna: Lynna
Released: 3 0^th April
Mood: Bezerk…

Reading, cooking, eating, entertaining and thinking is as much as I can do for this few days in conjunction with the long holiday. The teatime with Yati and Eza was good on Saturday over the heavy rain in Naili’s having cucur bilis and coffee. Chat friends from Sg. came all the way to have a conversation face to face after communicating mostly on internet. It went very well and beautiful. Thanks for sharing the enjoyable evening.

Later I took them to Petaling Street for their shopping spree retreat where Simone was waiting to take over. I head home for next plan. I was tired, lazy and aimlessly looking over the nite. Thought still pacing with lots of things but to no direction and nothing to effect my daily amusement.

Theres no feel for the day. Damn… about 12am then the feel is there, to on the music slowly enjoying the quietness and the rhythm of the night. Anuar Zain with Belain Jiwa, Rossa with Tegar, Sheila on 7 with Berhenti Berharap, Broery Marantika with Biarkan Bulan Berbicara, Gun N Roses with Sweet Child is Mine, Ning Baizura with Awan Terpilu, Marc Anthony with My Baby You and the list goes on till I retreat to the bedroom with Amani, Eiman, Shira and Liyana.

It was not the sleep that I’ve always waited. In between the sleepless mind and awaken thoughts I closed my eyes till the familiar ringing tune came inviting my smile. With a lazy hello, I greeted him with a question why at 2.30am he need me to talk to him while he should be in his fantasy or lala land.

“I teringat kat Shira!” erk, shira? “And why calling me?” I said…

“Suddenly I remembered her face and her gesture when she greet me whenever I come over”

Shira has always knows how to tackle someone close to me with her aura and attitude. Creating attention and her own persona and way. I know she craved for dad’s love but then it shouldn’t be going to anyone or just everyone. But I noted, if that someone was not close or even near to me, she is more being protective than giving or creating attention.

Was I needing a man to support my children? I heard someone said that. While he was the one trying to get my attention and using my kids to get to near me, then it was twisted the other way round. Men!!!

Was I using my children to get them? Neh, I don’t need that and shouldn’t be. I have my own way, to get in, to slip out, to tickle in, to get out etc. What I have to do was just enlighten myself and not to be so serious with anyone I meet, give myself in a little bit and with my charm and personality. He will be mine. But I have problems with my heart. Difficulties to accepting just everyone in between the space I have was hard. Countless time I tried to try to give in, creating the space for them, or even just to give a time for the first date, its difficult.

When kids subject was brought to me, I took time to answer and explain. Should there is a chance, time and hope insyaallah… I as always wanted to carry, to smell, to feed and to love a baby again. Who with? Definitely with someone who loves me, someone who would like to share my life, my soul and destiny with me. When? When only I am permitted to have the chance, the space and time to be a new mother again. Insyaallah… I would love to…

I got affected with something or someone I know long ago or has been there for long or known them as and when we met. I take time to learn about people, to accept people, to give in to people.

When he came back to my life, when he started to say “I love you” countless time a day, I was just smiling hearing those words. I know I was not being fair for not returning to him but its just difficult to say without a feel.

Time after time I’ve been asking myself was I really still have the feel for him, although I was before and eventually, it came back seeping slowly, languorously, pacing and dancing my mind, heart and soul.

Loving the tenderness, the care, the attention, the passion, the affection and compassion. Pure and passionate was what I felt towards him. The feel that I kept. Although I was hard, rough, playfull but then again I would say to know me is to love me. A window to my heart is a window to my soul.

People love and hate honesty at the same time. Why? Because they can’t find where they belongs to. Love and destiny can’t get along while love acquires lots of pain but destiny acquires lots of passion. In life we can’t have all at once. Its either one. I learn to accept what comes and don’t ask much but always be thankful for what I’m given and granted. HE knows the best for me, you and everyone…

Time spent with the kids for 3 full days was excellent, beside having Hafiz, Shafikal and Shafizi everyone of them was enjoying each others company while I was enjoying my day with T.

Holiday was only spent indoor not outdoor like I used to be before. Its merely because of my health condition, body resistance was not like the days before I went through the operation.

I feel like beaten up, sleep was never normal, and I get tired easily while body was bloated with wind and water. Once I get back to normal, I’ll have to work it up again like those days before hopefully. Insyaallah…

12.20am