Cinta

At last I am releasing myself to think, reflect, and be objective about this am letting the situation to lead now.

Cinta

Treasuring a statement, word,sentence or advice

Current mood: bouncy
Category: Friends

Released 11th Dec 06
Mood:

In action taken, theres always a risk
In every move we take, theres always a memory
Forward is never same as the past

If you are looking for the wandering ghost, it is lost in the soul
Keep searching!!!

When you are on the top, the ground usually and always at the bottom
Whatever you do, the results is always an experience and challenge that you can treasure...

Beside this piece written in someone page as a comments im thinking of a statement given by my fren this morning which bugging me till now. Anyway as I always thought everyone is free to say, judge or even making conclusion based on what they see but again its always held within of a person why certain decision or measure taken on each action.

I am still searching and also researching of some analysis and hyphotesis. God has reason why he send things his way for us to think, reflect and be objective on everything happen or done. The question should be ask within ourselves and not him because HE has got all the answers since we born but Us was the reason why we should think and rethink why ALL this happen to us.

Farmies work desk
11.45am
Have a nice day...

Treasuring a statement, word,sentence or advice

Current mood: bouncy
Category: Friends

Released 11th Dec 06
Mood:

In action taken, theres always a risk
In every move we take, theres always a memory
Forward is never same as the past

If you are looking for the wandering ghost, it is lost in the soul
Keep searching!!!

When you are on the top, the ground usually and always at the bottom
Whatever you do, the results is always an experience and challenge that you can treasure...

Beside this piece written in someone page as a comments im thinking of a statement given by my fren this morning which bugging me till now. Anyway as I always thought everyone is free to say, judge or even making conclusion based on what they see but again its always held within of a person why certain decision or measure taken on each action.

I am still searching and also researching of some analysis and hyphotesis. God has reason why he send things his way for us to think, reflect and be objective on everything happen or done. The question should be ask within ourselves and not him because HE has got all the answers since we born but Us was the reason why we should think and rethink why ALL this happen to us.

Farmies work desk
11.45am
Have a nice day...

Commitment

Current mood: chipper
Category: Blogging

Release:131106
Mood: Chirrpy

I need a peacefull mind and thoughts when it comes to life commitment. Its not an easy task to perform nor to understand what commitment is. I was asked many time for my commitment in partnering issue. Most of the time I ignore it because time has never arise and I always have doubts for that.

It worries me a lot shall I not able to deliver or theres so high expectation over me. I am just a normal human being who seem to make mistakes there and then. Even most of the time I avoid it but no I am not able to anymore.

There is a space in me needed attention to be addressed. I was avoiding my needs and want in terms of partnership because I think I won't be able to deliver and accept the hicups should there be again. I know it is wrong to think that way but I cant help it.

Things that happen infront of me are so clear and does not make me comfortable with it. My current situation soothe me in my comfy zone but people keep on came knocking and giving. Taking is one thing but to be asked to be considered and reasonably can fit into my space and zone within my kids, families and frens are rare. So I have to give it a thought.

One or twice trying to avoid it but it lingers round and round. With the constant pace and the way of showing it, I cant be denying and resisting it. I'm trying hard to pleased me and never let anyone do it.

But I guess its about time I want to be pleased. Sensing its coming and having it felt over me was the whole new experience whereby this time I dont have to do much. I show off my uneasiness, my anger, my temper, my jovial part, my moodiness and everything without having problems but to accept the pampering, the mannering and so forth. It tasted good but I always reminded myself. He is on heels over me now, wait till the feel is gone or wait till well... assumption, assumption, assumption he said...

Well if the assumption is going to make me thind million times before commiting, I love to do that then. First of all when I commit myself to consider and have that thought shared, it took few weeks for him to adapt it and come back to me with a statement "give me sometime to resolve this problems". Whereby beforehand I challenged him with so many questions and consequences and conquest him on certain situation which needs tough answers to be addressed.

"The answer is yes, easy and it can be tackled... so long you give me your commitment" he said...
All those said are bullshit!!! Testing me are you??? U'll end up freaking out.

After that I just take what comes. Testing me with so many surprise and he was surprised when whatever he presented was then turnaround by me. He manage it well. Infact he has his way. Somehow he pass some test and fail some but then again it is fair to say that he is trying to prove me that relationship is worth to think again.

As for now I will keep eyeing on certain things that I need to and make sure I have the precaution measure 'ON' everytime. Enjoying his company while I have R to refer and other friends to juggle with was a good experience. Meantime, he and me deserve a chance to try. And if it is not working, at least, I'd try and have the experience and fond memories of it to treasure for being his friend, lover and female companion.

Kisah si Tukang Kayu (A Mirror to Reflect)

Release:111106
Mood: Calm

Terpanggil untuk membaca junk email yang di cc oleh seorang teman dari negara jiran. Pendahuluan amat simple seperti tidak mahu meneruskan pembacaan. Seperti biasa aku melangkaui batas pemerhatian terus kepada isi tengah dan terus membaca.

Isinya amat ringkas tetapi semakin dibaca amat mengesankan. Satu cerita ringkas yang memberi imbasan keatas diri sendiri tentang tujuan kehidupan, arah/ erti dan pencarian dan juga noktah kehidupan.

Begini Ceritanya :

Seorang tukang kayu tua bermaksud pensiun dari pekerjaannya di sebuah perusahaan konstruksi real estate. Ia menyampaikan keinginannya tersebut pada
pemilik perusahaan.

Ia ingin beristirahat dan menikmati sisa hari tuanya dengan penuh Kedamaian bersama istri dan keluarganya. Pemilik perusahaan merasa sedih kehilangan salah seorang pekerja terbaiknya.

Ia lalu memohon pada tukang kayu tersebut untuk membuatkan sebuah rumah untuk dirinya. Tukang kayu mengangguk menyetujui permohonan pribadi pemilik perusahaan itu.

Tapi, sebenarnya ia merasa terpaksa. Ia ingin segera berhenti. Hatinya tidak sepenuhnya dicurahkan. Dengan ogah-ogahan ia mengerjakan proyek itu. Ia cuma menggunakan bahan-bahan sekedarnya. Akhirnya selesailah rumah yang diminta oleh tuannya.

Hasilnya bukanlah sebuah rumah baik. Sungguh sayang ia harus mengakhiri kariernya dengan prestasi yang tidak begitu mengagumkan.

Ketika pemilik perusahaan itu datang melihat rumah yang dimintanya, ia menyerahkan sebuah kunci rumah pada si tukang kayu. "Ini adalah rumahmu, " katanya, "hadiah dari kami." Betapa terkejutnya si tukang kayu. Betapa malu dan menyesalnya.

Seandainya saja ia mengetahui bahwa ia sesungguhnya mengerjakan rumah untuk dirinya sendiri, ia tentu akan mengerjakannya dengan cara yang lain sama sekali. Kini
ia harus tinggal di sebuah rumah yang tak terlalu bagus hasil karyanya sendiri.

Itulah yang terjadi pada kehidupan kita. Kadangkala, banyak dari kita yang membangun kehidupan dengan cara yang membingungkan dan kurang bertanggung
jawab.

Lebih memilih berusaha ala kadarnya ketimbang mengupayakan yang baik. Bahkan, pada bagian-bagian terpenting dalam hidup kita tidak memberikan yang terbaik.

Pada akhir perjalanan kita terkejut saat melihat apa yang telah kita lakukan dan menemukan diri kita hidup di dalam sebuah rumah yang kita ciptakan sendiri. Seandainya kita menyadarinya sejak semula kita akan menjalani hidup ini dengan cara yang jauh berbeda.

Renungkan bahwa kita adalah si tukang kayu. Renungkan 'rumah' yang sedang kita bangun.
Setiap hari kita memukul paku, memasang papan, mendirikan dinding dan atap.

Mari kita selesaikan 'rumah' kita dengan sebaik-baiknya seolah-olah hanya mengerjakannya sekali saja dalam seumur hidup.


Cheers,

Back in Peace

Released: 09 Nov 06
Mood: Calm

After a week break for Raya and a week off for company trip in Vietnam im back to office. My last Lucrin jab last 1st week November. Now my back ache and moods unstable. Eating habit not regular and consistent. Dad admitted yesterday and will be operated today. Have a chat with my brother yesterday with current situation after heated sms's two days in a row.

Ida broke a news of her visit to Mecca this year. Im glad she prompted me and reminded me of something that I always put on hold. Thank you dear friend. Sarah and Rozie called after so long break of not meeting each other while Lina keep on reminding me on Hari Raya gathering on Sunday. Planned to cook on Saturday nite but unfortunately not many people can turn up. Suddenly R shocked me with a question on her ex hb told her friend that Im getting married in December. I laughed and at the same time wondering who the hell of the story teller.

All in all Lebaran has just given me a new colours and beginning. The renewal was so good as I am enjoying every minute of it. Of course with some hicups but certainly the book of life change page each day.

Here are some picts that i can upload for all of you. All this beautifull pictures are treasured in my mind and soul as each corner in the world captured the beauty of the maker itself to make us fond of what we found along the way.

Changes

Category: Blogging

Released: 190906
Mood: Alert

It has to be constant change or other wise you won't be changing at all. Courage is what I dont have now. Ask me to do the toughest job, insyaallah I'll find a mechanism to work it out, ask me to fix things in the house insyaallah I'll find a right tools to fix it, ask me to jump from one place to another insyaallah I will find ways to be there, ask me anything but not a marriage proposal.

"What's wrong with you"
"I dont know..."
"He is certain....
"But im not..."
"What else do you want?"
"I dont know"
"What else he dont have?"
"He got it everything..."
"Then what is not right then?"
"Me..... I cant convince myself I will make him happy as he think I would, although I think he would make me happy, he prove me before, he prove me now and still trying to convinced me tomorrow. Do you think he ever give up"
"Im not sure Na...its depending on what you want"

Was I needing a partner badly? Was I so lonely? Was I bad financially? Was I not having company as in family or kids? Was I not supported enough by friends? Was I not having enough love around me be it from girlfriends, siblings, boyfriends, relatives and etc? Was I stingy to pour my love to anyone? Was I not doing what I wanted to do?

He understand it all of what I have left, what I'm pacing around now and what I am looking forward next. He knows it all because he has been there hearing me punching or pouring the words and he was there to nurture and cherish all the pain that I pour for him to listen, for him to lend his shoulder to lean.

Day by day I was leaning closer, mingling around like a kitten getting his full attention and love. He is pouring it unconditionally without saying anything more nor less. He know I dont like to be pushed, nor being posses, he knows I will turn to him as and when I need him and will say no when he cant.

Thats what has started as friends and slowly changed as close for the emotional feel to bond us together. I was split into two in between friends and turning it into a lover but HOW?

Those comfortable zone I created for him was actually reversed now. Just like what I wanted. Would I let it ruined just because Im confused?

"I leave it to you to decide dear.... I dont know how else I can prove you... You stop me from seeing your parents, you stop me from sending my people to your house...Think.... Take your time..."
"How long can you wait?"
"I hope not long"
"Why?" still testing him to the max which I know the answer within
... He keep quiet, turning his face away hiding his feelings. I know I hurt him but to convince me of tomorrow that I wasnt sure, is really hard. He knows many is coming to the way waiting for my opening at anytime it strikes my mood to say yes. He knows that my moods and colours always varies at times but he knows if Im treated right the bright colours was never failed to capture peoples mind and attention. With that I reserve the possibility of them to come in nearer, closer.

There is few in mind which I have already make my thinking of opening, or just tickling or rather make em feel more comfortable but not looking for possibility of being a lover. *sigh* Difficult indeed because once im in it I wont be able to turn back but to accept.

And with that I remember the chat with an Australian guy last week of my believe in our faith and god. He was so certain that god is within us only if we really know how to find the real us and accepting HIM in the daily life and believe of what happen to ourself are actually derive by what we do.

I know the answer is already there it is just the time for my opening to embark the new life. Life is a game and the ten rules applies. And if Love is a game too then the adventure is within us who is willing to accept the challenge to go through it.

I will have to consider many quest and options which may come within sooner or later.


Insyaallah....
7.35pm

Pride & Prejudice OR Proud & without Prejudice

Current mood: cheerful
Category: Blogging
Released:140906
Mood: Proud

People always relate looks with attitude and behaviour.

The skin, the look, the way they carry themselves always been observe and judge. Be it male or female. Why people are so judgemental?

Even close friend. My take is, human have got their strengths and weaknesses. Individuals comes in a package of what they are. I have no say on that but to take them as it is.

This came from a short question "what do you think of him being my future husband?". My daughter, as a close example said this "not suitable lah ibu". I smiled and already had that answer within my mind. I probe her further…


"Why darling?"….

"He is dark mom, and you are fair…."

"So?? You father was dark too and so do all of you…."


She smiled, unable to answered further and I hugged her and explained. The outer skin is not what matter in a person. It is where your attitude and behaviour is much more important than the colour that you seen in a person. Your heart is what matter most.

One marriage and three times lover with charisma, looks and own integrity failed to prove me looks are what they are. Pleasant to see, nice to be with aren't giving you definite happiness and suitability as a partner. They are fragile yet as vulnerable as women are.

Women are tougher than them. Proven and endorsed by many superb mom in the world. Although they have to raised the kids alone they are still survivor and looking forward for tomorrow. That's what I call "Proud & without Prejudice".

Back to "Pride & Prejudice" it came with a price. The walk with the look full of pride and people look and being prejudice. By showing good look, it portrays good behaviour, attitude and charisma. How true it is?? Look up and ask yourself.

Even my best friend commented this "3 months for him to get fairer?" Yes, it hurts me but that's her personal views. They are even school mates during their school days. When I probe her further she did not answer me. Noted her sincerity and honesty and I moved on. While the other says not suitable comparing my personality and his, before knowing the real him. She just know him from the surface.

I was interrogated and asked many questions but I answer to the best I know. And he keep on pestering for my decision. I need time to find out the honesty and sincerity. Today I was shut up again by things that he wants to do. I just need a prove not anymore talk over things which has wasted my time.

If this is a tough testament to you, yes indeed it is. I trust guys no more. Prove me, tell me I'm wrong with reasons to believe. I'll give you my hand. Lets walk together along the path of life. If you like to talked it over, share with me and aim the goal to come nearer. Ill hold your hand, lets cherish it, lets nurture and and if it doesn't happen after we tried, I don't mind afterall, I have given me myself a chance and you have taste the bitterness of the path that we walk through.

A chance indeed is what I am giving me and you.

Prove me, that's all.

7.02pm

Essence of Patience

Essence of Patience

Released: 060906
Mood: Cheerful

Relations, relations, relations!!! My zodiac says in one of the page I browsed early this year. I dont trust those but then now im recalling one after another are related to each other.

The key words to me are "open up". Lucky or not it depends on me. So one by one come and go releasing the past that haunting me. Now im taking it easily and lightly.

Everything falls into place. I pick them and go on flowing with the nature. They cant wait they run ahead, they can't patch up they are left behind and those who walk together are still there hand in hand holding the essence of relationship.

How? I dont know. They came around and I make frens. They love my style and presence they stay, they dont they leave. I never stop them nor guiding them. I dont rule them, nor want them to change for me. I am enjoying them as what they are.

I am not anymore romancing the stone. I am breaking the ice and the great wall I created has become a frenly boundaries that I can lean on when I fall. It is sweet I could say. Despite the hurt I have because of the remarks or emotional feelings, all in all I am ok.

Anticipation is sweet.
From my work desk,
9.02pm

hESItaTING...

Category: Romance and Relationships

Released: 080906
Mood: Quizicall

Not sure.... thats the words for my feelings.
Question posted was left unanswered, just as yet.
I need to do ground checked and lots of digging work to do.

1. Sense of Responsibility
2. Sense of Humour
3. Sense of Loving
4. Sense of Labourship
5. Sense of Freindship
6. Sense of Respect
7. Sense of Honour
8. Sense of Logic
9. Sense of Maturity
10. Sense of Commitment

And my list can go on forever. You will feel bored but its amused me somehow. The more I take it, the more it blends in me softly, lovingly and caressing my life.

People said I made things so complex, like seing horror movie. The difficulties are made to make a simple life once everything is sorted when you are made to be mine. Past is lesson, learnings makes one matured and wise. The complexity makes me whom I am today and no matter how hard the case is, I am able to stand strong and walk through my destiny.

Im coming to the end soon? Yes, when I have made the decision.

Marry or not to marry? :-)

5.26pm

Scent of Trusting

Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Released: 060906
Mood: shaky

Ive been quiet for the past 2 weeks...
Why??? Consoling, encapsulating, invigorating my mind into a new path again. A change of lane. Why be in a same path which offers nothing. I have to move on. Time is getting shorter. For me, my kids and future.

Alhamdullillah I took it simpler and not harder like the last. Give a notion, signal and waited for the light to change but they aint any colours strikes. So I move on.

My best fren wedding was the most glamourous after Datuk K and CT. She was beautiful, astonishing and sweet. To "Tee and Roslee" CONGRATULATIONs, semoga berkekalan keanak cucu.

While the other was officially divorced for the second time. Perhaps theres a blessing besides the separation. She is now more happy and focused and not to mentioned enjoying the name of freedom and happy life with people around her. To "R", redhalah dalam menerima setiap percubaan dan dugaan yang dianugerahinya.

While me? Many things happens. Yup. Managing my children most importantly who look forward to Auntie Glamour's wedding of the year. Family bondage getting better and friends who has been there always to boost support and motivate.

Love life... I have to put it a stop. Its too pain for him to go through the difficulties. No, not that I dont love him. Because I do I have to let him go back to his wife and family. Hearing her voice, hearing her mumbling. I know theres something wrong in their marriage, in her and him. Not just one party. Marriage is sharing, both has to share emotional bondage, difficulties, happiness, consequences, anything that comes up there and then along the journey of life.

Hurt, sad, or happy, am I not feeling that when I have to let go? I do, yes, but I have to be sincere to myself. In order for me to be happy I cant live in another person misery. If he cant stand for me, behind me or being a supporter to me, can I be his shadow behind all the plan and fantasies we have in future. Obsolutely not. Go on stabilise your life. I will be fine. Insyaallah god willing.

And when comes to that, a fren who has been there always swept me from the downfall by listening, encouraging, boosting, motivating and advising suddenly tickle me with a statement "Farm, I symphatize with you". I was stunned then was laughing. "Hoi, since when you know how to talk like this?" Being me, we talk, we argue, we laugh, we shared a good time karaokeing, teh tariking, gathering, kenduri's and etc. Never that I thought he would say things like that. In a row of the week he has been there pacifying, talking, rambling, scolding and yet pouring how he feels when he saw these people making use of me while I'm there.

It was like a slap and also dreaming in a day light when he asked me "what do you actually want and what do you want in a man?"... Eh mamat tak de kene mengenanya soklan kamu tu dengan apa yang aku hadapilah. Apasal you ni?"...

He has been trying to fix date for me despite my ignorance, but with his presence I agree to meet his fren few times. It doesnt give me any feel altho we can be frens, I can say good frens but I dont and cant take them as closer and he wants me to be. At last he, himself after being with me almost everyday, he broke the silence "I never feel in love like I do with you". My eyes almost pop out, my heart stop beating, I feel shallow and I thought I am going to vomit or faint.

He is falling for me? Hello did I hear it correctly? Yes, sms, call, meeting make us very close just like Im having my gfs with me. I feel safe, I feel good, I feel everything. I like to tease, not just him. Natural flirt, some would say, it was just for stimulation of brains and mind. Not that I think it would be taken seriously and it does mean something for him.

And 2 days ago I was proposed again and that makes me so confused. Commitment scares me?? I want to be love and loved but yet im scared I would failed again. To give is nothing, to expect is something. Would I deliver, would I be getting the right things Ive asked for. I leave it to him. A fren of mine suggesting "Istikharah" and give myself a chance until June next year.

I will have to settle my case with Naz and Im moving. To accept or not I will have to let time decide for me beside seeking solace in HIM to guide me. I hope he is the right one for me as Ive seen the quality and prove which is not just coincidence.

Restui aku....

1.44pm

Scent of LOVE

Current mood: cheerful
Category: Romance and Relationships

Released : 250806
Mood: Cheerio

Its pretty obvious to address a need in you while having relations be it friendship or an affair. Look would play a very good role in attracting individual appeal. Daily life is teaching us many things if we think and realise what happens.

Keanu Reeves look so cool, Richard Gere look so damn sexy, Jon Claude Van Damme look so masculine. But behind what they have we cant have what we want in a MAN. Sexy look dont provide passion, Cool dont mean we are going to be comfortable, Masculine wont provide security. If you think about it one by one, you would find the answer why I said this.

I am going to speak thru experience of being with these 3, I should say. Big masculine guy cant really stand for you when you need them to be firm with some situation which needs emotions, while sexy guy can only be passionate but cant provide you the masculinity or security that you want and cool guy needs to be hold in doing many things. Gosh! it's so difficult to get all in one.

I never expect anything all in one should I choose to be in one person. What ever they can be when they are with me that makes them very special on their very own way. If I need other than what they can provide I will turn to someone who has that quality and not jeorpadising nor making them look ugly in their way. I deal it my way, and so it will be fair to me, him or anybody.

Coming back to the look as I said, it will never promise you anything. It's always coming back of what YOU want rather than what he can provide. You got the look, theres no money nor security. You got the security but he looks like a mafia bombers. Which is more scary?

To me, looks may fade but being whom he is and be honest of what he can give and what not, are far safer and soothing than anything else. Beside never expect something that is not in you and he will understand that what is in him that he can offer so far. Be fair to yourself in order to be fair to your partner.

Lesson that I take after so many friendship and relations has made me wiser n more understanding of what human being are. To love him is by loving yourself more than anything else.

August has thought me a very good lesson and be kinder in life of understanding what love is. LOVE come from every direction and form.

I can still love him no matter how hurtful it is when he stabbed me from behind or thru anything else. For the fact I dont impose rules but rationality that make him think at the very end of day, I let him go because I love him and want him to be happier than he is with me. And with that GOD will send me someone better than he is. Im blessed and always thankful HE made me open up my eyes and made me WIDE awake even when I have to cry somehow.

I will only make my decision when the junction is only rather this or that. For now I will pour my love to whom needing without any condition and boundaries. And I am taking what they are offering for a good intention and openness.

And here I am to offer so much love to whom who would want to share with me be it in the form of friendship or ................

Scent of Friendship and Trust

Current mood: cheerful
Category: Friends

Released: 210806
Mood: Gotcha!!!

There has been two testament came today which turns out to be so sweetly than I think off.

A friend is still a fren and will not change to be a monster like we used to think. As for me the truths will always be a truth that can't be easily denied. And it proves me right again.

I had a very pressured weekend last week with a lot of stress and heavy workload and at the end turns out very well by the end of Friday nite. We were having loads of fun right through the wee hours.

Next day, breakfast in Mandarin Oriental with a friend for a meeting and lunch in Klang for a change of menu and kg recipe. Talking about it making me smiling. Tempoyak!! Say that again yeah Tempoyak for lunch and coffee to perk up after the good meal was good.

Two hours entertainment after coffee and then to Bandar Tasik Selatan to collect some document and pick my kids then we are off to watch a movie.

I had a full day with laughter, learnings, and sadness covered all in one. Drifting off around midnite n woke up at almost 4am. Am thinking again of all the things happen lately which passing by like a screen one after another. On my phone and start replying few messages ignored during the daytime.
Some who is still up keep on smsing till i gave up n wave goodbye.

There is still people who stands by you at time you dont think they would. Never ever think you are always alone. No you are not, not at all. By 10 next day Widi sms thought i had missed the jogging session which he does without me. Later than we met for breakfast and had my car serviced. Off i took my kids for the routine outings and this time to Sg Wang. What a mistake!

Resting for few hours and off again to do my chores and got myself a movie ticket for the Lake House movie. He was there keeping me company since Friday nite, whole Saturday, Sunday morning and break daytime and again with the movie. I was starting to ask myself, what kind of friend who stand by you at anytime you need it most. For every question i'd asked, i've always had an answer.

And the question I'd asked to myself last two days answered today about the next step. A new beginning has just begun when she called me at 11.40am and the new Ramlah from Segambut appears in the picture.

As adviced if I want to make a decisiom than I have to go through the hardest stage. And I will have an answer and decide later.

"Tak guna jika aku berwasangka buruk dan tak mengapa kalau aku dikatakan bodoh jika tidak mengesyaki sesuatu". Determination and trust on the instinct was the best deal I've always had. God has been helping all this while with the answers and question I had for HIM.

To my dearest fren who had a newborn baby few days ago, CONGRATULATIONS. May the joy and happiness filled in their life with the arrival of the baby of tomorrow. May the couple and the sibblings shared the laughter and joy and be blessed.

Signing of...

Do or Not to Do IT

Category: Bitching

Released: 160806
Mood: OK

I have this thoughts in the back of my mind everytime I went out with my girl friend.

Women indeed love to shop, splashing herself with nice parfum, walking tall with branded shoes, stylishly holding expensive handbags, winking behind gorgeous tinted sunglasses, swaying left and right with her glittering outfit.

Yes indeed, she looks so cool, outrageous and beautiful. Behind all those there is someone who has to pay for all she wears. Its either she wore for him or for potential victims who are not stingy to pay.

Im not talking specifically about single women but generally all. Wife, mistress, girlfriends, sisters, moms anybody namely women. But for those who spend it with her own money excuse me for being obnoxious here.

Her statement to me was (a wife to a man of course) "if i dont spend his money, who do you think he will spend it off". She was speaking with her jealousy over a woman who is trying to fish her husband despite her being 10% times more good looking than that particular girl.

It was always a women who was the one to spend the hard earn money of a man. Namely father, husband, boyfriend, brother or etc. But for a jerk of course not he will take rather than give. For this kind of bastards then you know what you should do.

She was trying to approach me and wooing me to people which was to me is just another passing time hallucination. Anyway just smiling I went along so that I wont be pestered all the time with my own barriers and limitation.

Has been always giving example to another fren whom always on the go everynite meeting, clubbing and having jolly good time spending and having fun doesn’t really excite me.

At the end of the day I had to ask her again “put yourself in the husband’s wife, would you like your husband money to be spent on other people?”. I know with this question, I always make my frenz throw me out for a while and later when it comes to sense they came back like nothing happen.

Who doesn’t like to spend, who doesn’t want to have all the luxuries in life. At least if one work on it hard or smart and use it for the right purpose I’m sure every one doesn’t have to cry over the situation of using nor being used.

Again the question is always back to you. You want to do it, then go for it.

Self Respect

CATEGORY: BLOGGING

Released: 150806

Mood : Contented

Currently listening: Bertakhta Dihati-Farahdiya

Respecting individual for their ownself are not an easy task. Every each one has their own characteristic and charm. Understanding ourself are hard, what more to expect on others.

Often we heard men complaining difficulties to understand a woman but do we women understand men.

Time change people, trend and style. It flies accordingly without us noting it where and when. Nobody knows what tomorrow could bring and to expect.

Respect… how do we gain it? How do we respect ourself? By understanding our needs and wants. Do we know what we want and what we need in our life? In order to find it out, one has to ask ownself and do a checklist on what are the things have been achieved so far ever since we set our foot in this world. Goal, aim and ambition are what we look forward to achieve in life. But how do we get it in the end?

Respecting what we like and dislikes are next point should be think of. Why we like certain things and why don’t we like certain point of life. Addressing it one by one isn’t easy though but at least we know, what should be taken carefor reason to improve it.

How far can respect be achieved in daily life? What is the right things to do in order to gain the respect from others.

First of all respecting the needs of our innerself and achieve it will make us happy and go through next step of life. If we cant achieve our own needs, how are we going to grant a respect to others.

Lets the thoughts ponder and mingle.

1.17am

Scent of Understanding

Released: 140506
Mood: Calm

Not that I have lost the passion to write but time is too limited and as soon as I reached home theres another figure waiting for my attention besides freinds who need to be attended to.

Weeks past so fast without leaving any moment without doing nothing. A drive down to Mahkota Hotel, Melaka for the Maggi Roadshow was good. I wasn't feeling that good when I left KL hence that makes me taking the offer to go, otherwise I stay put beside my body condition and tiredness not allowing anyform of travelling. But then I'm happy I took the risk of going and be with people around me besides having her for the Maggi project.

While she give her speech I make a walk to Mahkota Parade as usual trying to amuse me with the people around and things surround me are so happening upbeat. While walking tried calling an acquaintance whom I'd love to see since I guess quite long too since my last visit which i cant remember at all now. Darn!!!

While sipping my hot chocolate and having my doughnut, I kept thinking what are the next move that should be taken. Mom called while I was drifting with an ideas and suggestion. It wasnt my real mother though but at least I can talk to her and pour my heart out.

With that advice, I'm keeping everything just like I had 15 years ago and let it roam with the time and let him decide. Patience is all I need beside giving my full attention to my kids and also current situation that need to be addressed and taken care of.

Not regreting of what happen but taking it with all my open heart and mind. It may be a blessing in disguise besides giving him the time, space and chance to look at what he is planning and doing.

May all of us are still intact in his guidance and my pray and dreams will come true at the end of the day.

Looking forward for tomorrow never fail to spark a smile...

Thank you mak.

Brighter

Released: 040806
Mood: Kicking
Listening to: Jiwa Gelora

CATEGORY: BLOGGING

My little pretty corner was spacious and cool. I got to do my own things, choose what i want, and few other things that need to be done for the new place. Now im located in one of the prestige commercial building.

The new office look so cozy , warm and welcoming outside and very cool inside with the office layout. It has two feelings as you enter the reception and the waiting area. The conference room was handsomely furnish with two sofa's and big conference table with a warm inviting colour.

Pantry are located just outside the confreence room for serving purpose when we have Focus Group Discussion. Client observation room are painted with red and black and white tiles. Now that it has sofa and a cofee table for them to have debriefing before and after the group.

There is four rooms at the back for the Senior Executie, Operation Manager, Freelance Associates and MD's. The Associate Director room was located just behind the reception area.

MD and I had a discussion yesterday about my appraisal and improvement that was noted by both parties. Addressing areas which need to be improved and amending the weakness and praising improvement made since back then.

CATWOMAN

After watching this movie I was so thrilled to write about this blog. Of how I feel towards it screenplay and associating it to me. It really drive me crazy and there is kind of different feeling when I relates it to me. It started from here something like dreams and supernatural psycho impact rushing to adrenaline.

“Come on lick me baby! Make me feel different. Away from the norms, away from kindness, away from softkind of feelings. Make me sleeky, wittier, sleazy and wicker. Im ready to roam in the heat and squirm in the ice.”

Next I feel ditch by the way she sway her ass, by the way she walk confidently, by the way her tounge lashing, by the way her eyes lurking, by the way her voice growl, god I feel she is so sexy, bitchy and notty.

She has a rival. One and only. And we can see the difference. Like heaven and earth. But she don’t care for she knows who she is, what she wants.

Im wishing someday I would have part of her courage to turn wild, witty and courages enough to explore myself, life and the world. Can’t wait to change farmgirl to be CATWOMAN. Meoowwww………

Awaited Birth

Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

Mood: Puzzled!!!

Released: 020806

Strange but true!!!

She came to me three days ago saying her great grandmother want to take her away but she refused and the refusal makes her acted strangely by not talking to mom for that particular three days. Yesterday morning she wake up and prompted mom of her blood stain. She was rushed to hospital when mom said "its time for labor"

Normal check-up was made and every test was done. Every one was shocked when the doctor burst a statement ...

"You are not pregnant!!! There is no baby, theres no sound of heart beat, there is nothing in your womb. Its clean!!!"

She was devastated, hurt, sad and she feel pain urging to her veins, stomach, feelings!!! She was quiet, consoling herself. Everyone around was so frantic asking all sorts of questions and sometime unthinkable but that was the facts. It is the first in my family.

Later I heard from her father "kami dari keturunan Puteri Saadong". So then one story after another and I make my own slow move with so many thoughts in mind relating to the dreams and also the reason why she came to me three days ago.

"Hanya ALLAH yang mengetahui HAQnya dan hanya DIA yang menentukan apa yang ingin di berikanNYA"

11.09am

The Blinking Thoughts

Category: Blogging

Released: 280706
Mood: Quizicall

Can we change you???
Can we change ourself???

I take the easiest one, which is changing me. No point in asking them, him or you to change. If it does not derive from oneself it will never work. Not yesterday, now, today, tomorrow or never. It comes from ownself. Thats for sure!!

Boosting, motivating and urging!! That's about all you can do to make it up being supporting to everyone around you. To expect the better?? You never know... To be safe expect for the worst. It will guide you with more options and take the opportunity arise as a challenge that come by.

And be blessed if it is what you expect if not find another way. Never give up for tomorrow will surely brings sunshine unless HE says otherwise....

11.01am

Insan

Category Blogging

Released:280706
Mood: Contented

Tidak semestinya cinta ada penghujung, tak semua kehidupan berakhir dengan kebahagian atau kedukaan. Yang penting adalah perjalanan kehidupan itu sendiri. Bagaimana kita menangani dan menghindari yang mendatang dan didatangkan dalam bentuk dugaan atau juga penghargaan.

Manis pahit kehidupan adalah intisari yang amat indah bagi setiap makhluk rasakan. Tapi tak semua insan dapat mentafsirkan apakah itu sehingga mata dicelikkan oleh rasa ketaqwaan dan keimanan mengharungi sesuatu dugaan ciptaan tuhan.

Apakah menang jutaan wang loteri sebagai satu persembahan atau penghargaan? Sesuatu yang akan membuat hidup kita berubah dalam sekelip mata. Dan dikala itu datang pula Jabatan Hasil Dalam Negeri, saudara mara yang tak pernah kita kenal, handai taulan, rakan dan sekutu. Dari rumah kecil berubah ke singgahsana istana.

Dapatkah kita melihat itu satu penghargaan atau percubaan maupun dugaan??? Hanya mata hati kita yang akan nampak dan melihat keseluruhan ruang yang tercipta dari situ. (Bukalah matamu melihat keindahan ku maupun celakaku)

Allah maha pemurah dalam memberi. "Mintalah padaku tanpa rasa ragu, akan ku perkenankan" cuma kita lupa apa yang diminta hanyalah solat lima waktu, menghindar yang mungkar, melakukan kebaikan. Amat kecil permintaan nya dibandingkan permintaan kita umatnya.

Aku telah lari dari tajuk sebenar. Pencarian mengenali, menghargai erti cinta, kasih dan sayang sangat besar. Datang dari segala sudut, waktu dan ruang. Hanya mereka yang mengenali diri, hati dan keinginan akan menemui apa yang dicari.

Telah kutemui kini dan hanya DIA yang akan menentukan ketentuan akhiran cerita manusia, dunia dan akhirahnya.

Amin...
10.33am

The Unmistaken Love

Current mood: contemplative

Released: 260706

Men are a HUNTER. They are good at that. They have style, way and goal how to achieve it.

I'm not looking, but they will look for me. Enjoying it at every corner now and putting myself into mute mode. All the angles brings a lot of colours and joy altho pain is not forgotten, but all in all it is sweet in a way. To know, to object, to follow, to let go altho some are not indespensable.

The answer gotten yesterday and my next action follows. Taken and not owned thats what I am.

Legend and history 20 years ago hunting and keep on pacing the beat I'm beating. Being irresistible and pushing till one short note given, I want to be who I am now, ALONE but my heart is taken.

I know he is sad but I better be honest to myself. I know you love me since way back, I know your mom object our relations hence you married another girl. Tho you are not happy but then I was not meant for you.

I reserve myself for my kids and him that was now on silent mode due to some circumstances. Which is better for me and him.

As for Zul, I'm sorry may be when god says yes, when he says I should turn to you, I'll be there for you. As for now please mend things with her. Kids needs you.

Me??? I will be safe in HIS hand. HE knows better what for me and I know better what I want. Definitely it is not you. Im sorry....

11.35am

Yes, I did it AGAIN!!!!

Current mood: excited

Penna: :Lynna
Released:130706
Mood: Intoxicated

Am laughing my ass out and happy for " errrr " is so bengang with me... You want to know who???? "errrr" has been reading and peeping and smirking but still tak puashati. TAPI KENAPA yea... and someone else will say ... (benda yang tulis yang hidup ke mati ke tak de kene mengena langsung at allll. Terasa???? ada makan pengat??? sendiri ingat... aku dah penat diam ;-))

No, no babeh you are wrong. First of all welcome to my obnoxious den and space. I spit, i rant to my ease my mind, the pleasure to talk to myself is by writing. Where, why and what for ??? It is up to me. Sapa suruh you datang and tengok??? Baca buat sakit hati lagi...

Aku tulis untuk engkau ke??? Hello banyak lagi orang nak baca!! Kalau tak bacapun I write for my own purpose. Kalau pun semua orang nak menipu i ke, you ke, dia ke, mereka ke, itu mereka punya pasal. Yang penting i kena, u pun kena, dia pun kena, mereka pun kena, lepas ni mesti ada lagi yang banyak kena tempias. Nak tau sebab??? Sebab dia tak puashati!!!!

You have trigger the evil me, you have always wanted me to react and here i am. Liars are everywhere. I can be one but what for??? What makes you special while ----------- can't differentiate the specialities in her, you, me and them. Greedy chauvinist pig!!!

"My apologies to all ugly looking bitches who cannot stop praising themselves...all they do is say how pretty or sexy they are...It makes my stomach turn..."

Her anger shown in her words - AND I WANT TO BLAME TATA YOUNG FOR MAKING THE SONGS SOOOOOOOOO HAPPENING AND ENJOYABLE TO MY EARS

This is what i found in my blogspot comments when someone without a guts and ballz commenting about my stats remarks. You want me to be sad over it??? You want me to whining about it? Kkekekekekeke after this you can tell or burst the volcanic mountain of my temper or anger??? WRong!!!!! im going to giggle, laugh, and smile... YOuve made my day sweetie, with your beautiful eyes, and muka cembrut, you obsolutely looks so funny and pretty. You are pretty and beautiful. But you dont know what you are good at. Telling what ever pleased you??? Go on hon... make yourself and day beautiful.... She cant come here and read i guess but peeping into my private den!!! Llaaaaaaaaaaa tak malunya (eh aku keee??? mungkin kot aku yang perasan... tak pe at least aku sedar diri and tau diri)

Colours of HER

Colours of Her
Current mood: calm

Penna: Lynna
Released: 110706
Mood: Unsure

How raunchy can farm be? How wild can she goes? How adventurous she can be? How evil she is towards people around her? How kind is she when she is only a farmgirl who barely have everything except the angel of god?

For the love HE grant for her. She seek for HIS mercy and blessing. Although she is given all the hardest testament in life, she took it with smile although her heart cried in pain, soul cried in vain but she knows at the end of the day when she carry her FAITH close within her and believe this is only a small testament in her path, she would then smile again with the morning glory, with the sun shining, with the rainbows piercing colours, with the sparkling stars blinking and with the moon brimming bright.

This is what she loves most. In her there is greens, water, wind, earth, horizon, rainbows, sun, stars. thunderstorm and moonlight. The nature characteristics is captured in her soul and mind for reason to believe and understand why it is created such way.
The water element sooth her mind and soul whenever she is raptured with emotions or disturb by people surround her. She finds her passion by secluding herself at the beach or being in the forest where greens resides all her volcanic emotions or sadness. She soaked herself in the coldness and recite as many of his calming word of wisdom to soothe herself in the beauty life and nature.

Her willingness to accept any kind of obstacles and consequences after the fall or her marriage and the opennes of advice and word of tomorrow. Her past is her benchmark of living now and day after. Being positive and cautious all the time doesn't make her less than a person who does make mistakes from time to time.
With full of smile she started her status being a wife after choosing her man of her life. Hoping and praying it will be everafter. But she believe HE set her path the way it is in 'Tajul Muluk" her book of faith and fate.

She is aiming to have beautiful life with him till the end but she is holding her faith, she will again meet her soulmate or rather end her life with her beautiful angel of heart till a day they are taken by their soul partner.

Till next she is blessed somehow she still can smile, have a shelter for her beloved daughter, home that filled of love and joy, love from her friends and admirers, prays from the above who decides of her life tomorrow.

3.20pm

Angels Among Us, Angels Within Us
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Penna: Lynna
Released: 060706
Mood: Cheerfull

Category: Sharing

Terpanggil dengan rasa kecintaan terhadap seluruh umat didunia. Yang kaya tetap kaya, yang miskin tetap hina, yang gah tetap diatas sana, yang susah tetap mencari dirinnya.

Semasa pelayaranku mencari dan tercari hati terpanggil dengan frasa yang sangat menarik ini maka kuteruskan pelayaran sehingga menusuk jauh kesudut hati. Walau aku susah hari ini, ada lagi yang lebih susah. Mungkin kita tak menyedari kerana kealpaan dalam pencarian duniawi dan diri namu ukhuwah kemudian hari sering dilupakan.

Bagi yang ingin mengerti apakah pencarian hidup dan ketajaman mata hati inilah yang ingin ku kongsi hari ini. Frasa yang akan menyatakan seribu keindahan terhadap ciptaan illahi. Untuk Ida terimakasih kerana pengongsianmu...

"Angels Among Us, Angels Within Us"

(http://www.ummikusayang.com/)

Rumah Titian Ashraful Rohaniah
C/O Tamjis Hj Rakim and Rohana Saidin
53-B Kg Selabak Luar Batu 3
Jalan Changkat Jong
36000 Teluk Intan, Perak, Malaysia

Rumah Titian Ashraful Rohaniah Teluk Intan:

"To Live, To Learn, To Love, To Leave A Legacy"

Kita semakin lupa apabila kita senang, kita diduga sedikit tapi amat berkeluh kesah, namun mereka yang disana lebih derita namun senyum tetap tersungging jua. Doaku untuk mereka agar terus tersenyum kerana senyum mereka merupakan mentari bagi mereka yang tahu erti hidup yang sebenarnya...

Ameen

10.12am

New Born

New Born
Current mood: cheerful

Penna: Lynna
Released: 060706
Mood: Happy

Category: Family

To add more joy of the day, i just had another nephew. Born at about 3.30pm, 05 July 06. Cute, fair, round and beautiful. It's another Cancerian in the family besides my brother and me. So now we have 4 persons born in July beside my cousin brother in Melaka.

It has been eight years since my baby was born, now i get to smell the aura from heaven they said on newborn baby. So i did last night, and my comments was :

"Euwwww, he smells egg"
Hahahahah alll of us laugh because that very morning i did some omellete with toast for all of us (breakfast) and my sister couldn't wait to taste it. Hence thats how the egg's smell comes from. But the rest of his body smell's so beautiful, I can't wait for him to be brought home so i can cuddle him, kiss him and lullaby him.

It has been long since, but im glad i had the chance again to do it even it is not mine. Alhamdullillah.....

9.45am

Understanding...

Penna: lynna
Released: 050706
Mood: Calm

Category: Blogging

"I thought you are nice person!"

Was i creating an impression i am one???

One of my chatter said that this morning on what said about life and how i take people as they are. When he hit me with some a subject of my SG trip. I didnt know that i have to explain to people on certain things i do in life of why things should be taken its way. Strange and at last he has to say sorry for making the statement of hurting me. I dont do things to please anyone but merely on work basis and things should be done has to be done.

What was the impression i gave to people when people seek for me? And how do people define NICE in the first place.

First of all i dont come to people to ask neither to get their attention. If they offer and i dont want to take it, again it is my decision for not taking it up after considering lots of things in the measurement. Perhaps i always take people wrongly on why they come to me offering help while i know very well i can manage it somehow. Insyaallah. I'll have my way hopefully.

Ill go in details of what i have gone through a bit here and there. While the generous and sincere people remain those with intentions are gone.


On the other hand, i had this regular chatter who sent reminder always n broadcast throughout. Most of the time i ignore but sometime when i feel like broadcasting it again, i did this morning. Out of hundreth's i receive three beautiful statement which is this

female: Bgus lah kalau dah sedar, tapi jgn hanya cakap aja. Hati busuk kena buang lah semua nya bermula dari hati.

male 1: wondering sejak bila cik farm jadi ahli ulamak

Male 2:yup.. kiamat tak penah jauh..

I laugh and do some reflections on this statements. I do or you do??? YOu know, i know, you knew....

Well this is how positive and negative people could be in judging and be judge. I rest my case somehow.


Im glad today my first dotter has make me proud despite the rest when they doing bad in their first term. My twins are not well. Ive been out of sleep for almost three days and due to my treatment i am really not me.

1.54pm

Single...

Penna: Lynna
Released: 030706
Mood: Funny(12.31pm)

Some men thinks it is strange for a person like me who have experienced life of living together sharing lots of things in life and now being alone to handle the difficult part of being alone and lonely. When sex was brought up I always smiled and then laugh at their ideas and opinion.

There is many reasons why sex is enjoyed by many and always reason why they arent too. I have my own reason and I think it is not difficult just to drift my mind away from it or simply think of other things or just call friend for a coffee. Theres so many way.

Yes indeed it was hard when I was alone on the bed and the feel of having a warmth of a person does strikes once a while when I was too tired to be away or to do something else. That is when reciting as many surah as I can or drift into a deep sleep. Most of the time I succeed but at times I failed.

Thinking of it the failure of my marriage which was caused by many things that comes from me who choose to keep things in my own self without sharing. Why I don’t like it neither enjoy it. I just give because it was my responsibilities to abide the needs of a man. Giving the best pleasure I can was an added task for me to earn what I need in the later life. But was I sincere and honest to myself that was another story.

Many of them would laugh at me but then I guess sometimes it is not about what im getting but what I can give most to make him happy. Despite the tiredness, the awfull feeling of not getting it right accordingly， I still think that’s the best I could do to make him fully satisfied, not being angry and remain calm. Stupid some may say but then it is just me who will fulfill every needs of his and wants. The rest are given to HIM to decide.

Yes only now I talk, I share, I voice it out but to a different people just to get an idea, simplicity should I shared my dreams and bed again in a form of marriage. But to make me able to agreed to the term of being in a commitment ermmm I need time, perhaps long till they get fedup like Zahar did last time.

But I believe if ‘he’ is really honest and sincere no matter how long I took to say yes he will be able to accept me as I am. The colours that I offer in my life, the dark, the bright, shady, hazy, striking or pale im sure they will enjoy it just the way I took them. Whoever he is, once I accepted you and tie you deep in my emotional bondage will be cherrished and nurture like the greens around me, like the wind breezing, like the sun shinning, like the rain pouring, like the moon brimming, like the warmth you offered will be treasured deep in my thoughts, deep in my soul, sealed in my heart. But to make me open to it ‘he’ has to find a way, time, place, shot which triggers my softness to an oppening. The bitterness of yesterday has thought me a lot to be cautious yet I was still hurt. But then again it was just another lesson to learned, another moment to be kept in the box of memories.

While he is being quiet thinking of next step taken, I took the space to understand what I want, what I need or rather laying my path to the way I wanted to be. Friends has been filling me with their views and opinion to the extend taking a step of looking at the situation and place he residing just to make sure I was not fooled again by men.

One has asked me to move on, another said to get discreet and the other asks to be patience. Dear friends, my time frame is still wide open and clear. I shouldn’t take any neither actions nor getting any result now. I should remain calm and patient. Every action taken will surely comes with package of consequences and so I have to get ready for any of the results should I make a conclusion.

Time to rest again now. I need my brain again for Maggi Report… till then pal. And for you who is trying to understand me, here I am, this is me, the soft, the hard, the cranky, the silly, the cute?, the naughty (hehehe I am), sometime absurd, straight forward, romantic (when u get the right button bukan biten). Take your time to read and think while you are being hard there is a way to make u soft…beside proving you not all female are the same and not every male are comparatively same like you…

6.19pm

Individual....

Penna: Lynna

Released: 020606

Mood: Tired

By now that I know that being an individualistic is not easy. Everywhere I go there is people trying to get my attention and even I don’t addressed them at times they are still there lingering till the attentions are granted and they are listened, shared and being understand. And I realised it doesn’t take much time nor much emotions needed if it is straight forward. But most of the time once they feel the warmth and the friendliness, then its hard for me to get away again.

Why I am being hard for the first time meet? May be cecause I don’t know I don’t have reason to reject them again or may be I do feel the warmth of their company and that makes me out of time for myself. I hardly have time writing now what I feel here and compressed everything in my heart till it burst in a form of tears when I am being alone in my bed and when I start to read back all the smses from those concerned friend, from secret admirers, from attention seekers and from those I enjoyed the company too.

Building a relationship is already hard and what more to maintain. Sometime torn in between 3 of my best friends who needs my presence, my ideas and opinion. I need more time to be with my children especially when work pressured most of my time to be in the office. The love that I have for them still there but the time spent are so crucial. By the time I reached home the two honey bunch are curling in a deep sleep already for morning school. And the 2 elder one will wait for me to have dinner no matter how late it is. My heart crack at times, because food never amused me but in order to look after their feeling I sit down, listen to them despite the tiredness and sleepy mode.

Im not being fair, I told myself but then I still have to lead my life as it is. Pacing and racing with time. Socialising, working, attending to friends, family and attentively with what ever pops up there and then. Mood swings every minute but am able to manage it calmly.

I was smiling wide one minute reading ‘fool’ sms, and later cried in the lake of sadness but the other minute I was laughing over my stupidity and silliness. They said it all added in the spice of life. While we sulk we do need laughter and while we at the peak we do need to remember time of difficulties.

My third mission is still on the the KIV mode. Have not even start neither thought to launched it. Should I have the 3^rd stage mission or option of changing lane started? I’ve yet to decide.

6 months passed with me letting myself open with relations to almost everyone but has never thought of being serious in any. It’s not in my hand. Knowing that my ex has no longer bugging me with his emotional bondage now makes me feels so released. The next step was freeing myself from the debts, next to arrange for a new home for all of us and letting ONLY ME to rule my own life. Sounds simple but I do take future into consideration. While people say put your priorities first in hand but all those around me are still in the consideration. Without them who am I, what would I be, where would I ended. I think it’s fair if it is not much to consider and take into account. It is just a rough idea to think of the wiser part being away, alone and secluded or the simplest term being ‘INDEPENDENT’. Isn’t that what I am since I was born?