2005 Journal

January

After celebrating Aidil Adha I had a chance to go company trip with my colleague to China. 5 days and 4 nights in Shanghai, experiencing and knowing more beautiful things in HIS creation. As I was enjoying the trip I cant help the feeling of missing my girls. But then all in all it was a good trip. Z parents order for a meeting to ask me about our relation. Was I ready for a nuptial knot. No, I don’t have the answer that time. I was enjoying the relation, I’m taking my time to know more of myself. And was I ready for him?

February

Nothing much happens. My relation with him has so many hiccups which make me find solace in HIM. “If he is not meant for me, send me the girl that can replace me”. I was involve in shopping hunt where his company organized. We manage to get a second place and the kids enjoy it very much.

Winning 2^nd place

March

R appeared after he took the initiative to email her . She was aware of my presence and he voice out what he wants. He wants to marry me first and her later. I did my pray again, “if this relation is in your will, show me the way”. And so I accept her in my l

ife to be in between him and ask her to come to KL. I know I am risking myself but I trust god is there for the best in me and him.

April

I find my confidante to ask about the situation and relation. 2 out of 3 said leave and the other said “its all about what you want”. Work and life goes on. More and more hurt was found in my kids face.

May

My hesitation to decide still in my mind. He become bolder and she became a ma

nipulator. His father become another person after she arrive and his mother where once hated her presence now become her nagging friend. I accepted that as written in his life. People change with time. Nature take its own call.

June

Her visit of one full week change him as stranger towards me. My conscience

and patience still there. Even when Andrew resurface I told him to stay in his marriage and accepted her as she is. Marriage vows years ago was to stay in good or bad, till death do them part. For that he became more and more eager to have those time back with me but I refused. Tho I know relation with Z leads me nowhere but hell I’m not going to hurt another woman again just because of love.

I made my trip to Singapore during her trip here. I took the opportunity to betr

ay my feelings for him. I dare myself for betraying my feelings towards him by taking an invitation of someone to be there. I met Noelle. That was my beginning of a new section in my life. When I feel those hands holding mine I was asking myself was I dreaming or was it real. But I whooshed all the thoughts that is not suppose to be there.

July

The daring move was made. I made my way to his house to take back what belongs to me. Upon opening the door I saw her. God showed me cash not in dreams but live. The next day I cleared his room taking back all properties belongs to me. Although he was shocked thinking wouldn’t do that knowing for who I am. This time it was not hard. He has someone to take care of him and I moved on.

The eyes that linger, the smiles that shine my day and the memory remains.

August

Days goes by till one day I was rang by unfamiliar number. She called and asked for a confrontation about him, her and she. There is nothing I could do. But I do express to him of the liking as a person and personality. Not more of that and for I know life ahead for him is far more puzzled.

September

Things with my families work accordingly after I was called to return at once from Lang Tengah. My mom was given and ultimatum of having me as I am or loose me for I will not be here anymore. Since then she respect my decision and she became more tolerable and understanding. My kids birthday party was a blast. Friends came and enjoy the food till night. I was tired but absolutely happy for them.

October

My outing with all the girls to Genting was the Blast of all in this year.

Gathering my smile, my thoughts and most of all, be who we are was fun. Ramadhan came and things goes like usual. I miss Z not at all, perhaps the memory lingers but that’s about it. Once a while I receive message from his brother and call from people who still associate me with him. I make them clear of the situation that I am better of as single person and not to associate with anyone.

November

My raya celebration was far more meaningful when I am able to visit my mom in law grave and visit my ex father in law. He cant remember me and his granddaughter anymore due to his age. But I make my way to meet those people I’ve not seen for years and the new beginning was good and acceptable. Time flies and with that amended accordingly.

December

I have a chance to take my children to PD, legendary town again, to Pantai Kundor and have my mom and families to join during the Xmas holiday. It was a good holiday before the school start.

So much of things happen and I’m taking it openly. For those who feel I take the opportunity of relationship, no I was not, I’ve done so much of soul searching and I’m content with what I have now. I take all the challenge and strive for tomorrow. I took so much of time to be with my angels and understand more of them. They have turn to be so understanding and adorable. If I were to offer love between a man and them. I choose them more than anything else. I know one day they will go away from me but I wont regret for I know they will have their life to lead. Perhaps only that time I will have to think of a company should I still have time and chance or perhaps reside to be with HIM where peace and life are more certain.

Lynna:07 Jan 06 (3.56am)

Mood: Calm