PROUD

Current mood: optimistic
Category: Friends

Penna: Lynna
Released: 250406
Mood: GLAD

TAME one word that strikes my mind over a chat with one of my confidante. Taming is it a simple task? Taming an animal may be easy but how tamin a person. Male or female? I remember one day an Arab male told me about taming a man is not difficult. Women are created with his left rib under his heart so by being hard will not do any good to him but if soft approach is used in using the specialty of being a women, men can listen and follows what they really need to do.

Taming is not asking a man to listen or nod to anything women says but to make them just being able to listen, understand, share, communicate, compromise and it goes vice versa to women too. As we all know being hard will NEVER pays anything. Tackling a person with sensibility and softness or kindness is the simplest way.

A friend of mine was saying "it is difficult to tame me" he said. I smile and said yes. Only the right person with the right attitude, with the right motive will make him tame or mellow and follow the wave of love or relationship. Its the matter of time and right individual. She has to understand him first. Time will tell, no matter how long it will be the right person will come.

He may be outspoken and knows many things outright. With the facts and knowledge he has, some people may says he is ARROGANT. For those who dont know him, yes, will give that kind of statement. But the fact is, what he says was based on what he knows and understands from what he reads and what he gets around him. Point of learning for him never stops. Feeding himself with knowledge will make him feel better than anyone else. Listening to him always makes me fascinated. Why? He never failed to feed and never feel stingy to explain should I not understand even a simple task. He will simplify further. Today he gave me something to recite to be used when someone is angry or even going for an interview. Some people wont even bother to share a good deed with others when it is good for themselves.

But him, in his mind full of ideas, in his chest full of knowledge where he shared with his close friend who knows him for good or for bad.

He is PROUD to be who he is. One attitude that is difficult to find in anyone. Proud of being an individual, proud of being himself, proud of what he knows, proud to share, proud to retreat anytime he needs to pull out and etc.

When he knows things wont work according to base and facts he will retreat without hesitation. Knowing that future will give him more problems "its better to be sick now then later" he said. One hell of guts to do it for some people but it is just a small matter to him.

Proud to know him, proud to be in his selection of friends, proud to be given a chance to understand the difficulties and necessities of the way being him and his way of thinking. Of all I am blessed to know one in a million of alpha male with different kind of attitude and behaviour.

We continue later. To him, I am honoured to know you, honoured to be still in the circle and thank you for your patience to explain things to me and making me understand what value of life is. Im GLAD!!!

12.04AM

Thank God for Everything

Penna: Lynna
Released : 240406
Mood: Glad

Today is the first day I start to work after 3 weeks of being on mc. As usual I came to office with a mood to start the day with a cheerful attitude. An orange blouse with a white skirt with a new hairstyle off I go with a smile.

I was given a sweet surprise yesterday. Was lazying at home when a call came saying “im coming to get the serimuka and im in WangsaMaju now”. Thinking he is joking I did not really care for his statement, afterall its Sunday. A day for him to be with his family and the other half. Never in mind that he would have a space for me especially from Subang to be here. Never ever occurs my mind.

The second call was more like a teased to me rather than to confirmed he is somewhere around. Only when I saw he was already infront of my door, while still talking to me on the phone made me almost drop my jaw. Luckily I was already back home after an outing with Rome. Hmmmm… surprise, surprise I don’t know how would I accept this surprise.

With that visit I took the opportunity to introduce him to all the friends he was jealous with. First I bring him to Rome’s house where lunch was served with Roti Jala and sweet syrup. The cozy den was so welcomed over the lovely palate of “masak lemak udang”. Deep in him, I know he wont put away the idea of trying those while I was scurrying over the roti jala with chicken curry. Few varities of donuts after that makes my meal for lunch really a good one.

While he look around with the house when he follows me to the kitchen, he reminded me not to be long as his time is so precious. Never remind me those if you need to hurry, why bother to come when you need to go immediately. He keep quiet while teasing me on and off. He was making himself comfortable with my fren and her daughter. Surprisingly Dida and Adam was very quiet during this visit. They never have me visiting them with a male company I guess. This was the first one. They were so reserve and remorse, not understanding why but let the time tells then.

Later a visit to Angsana Hilir was made to make him see what sort of place and person Yatee could be when I used to bring my children for swimming or lepaking session over a beautiful coffee. She was on the way out to send her nephews back to her mom’s house. It was a surprise for her not knowing that I came with him to send her the TV antenna. At least Lee is able to communicate with him for a start and Yatee was well received by him too. The assurance given to him was the cozy humble hut was a good place for us to talk, bitching, shouting or even lepaking over what life has to offers.

So by now he has met all my best friends including Niza on one fine night. A trust and honesty is all I have beside my respect. The rest are all in god hands. As much as I can say now, if it is time to leave again or even to let go, I have to be ready to do such action without having a feel to hurt myself nor himself as I know from the beginning the consequences of being a seconder.

Once he got things right with his other half, once he got it back on track, once he can patch it up, I should be ready to be dumped or to be left alone again for I will be happy to have him back to his life and family. As for now, I am a friend, I am a lover, I am a supporter who would make you strong to be a leader. My experience before has made me learn to accept what life can offer. I choose to accept you, someone who is owned and available, so I should be ready to face the consequences of being left or alone again.

Today I feel good after letting out something in my chest over a girlfriend. I am glad she can still accept me and talking about what we can do next after everything is ok with her. Mercy and blessed of all the kindness done made me feel good.

Now is time to retreat to my beautiful sleep. Thank god for the food I have today, thank god for peaceful on mind I have, thank god for the soul that blessed, thank god for taking care of my children while im at work, thank god for giving such friends who understand me, thank god for the testament I had,S to make me open my eyes wider to what life can be.
Alhamdullillah I still manage to breathe some fresh air after the accident few days ago.

Currently listening : Wind beneath my wings

12.07am

Paid Pronto

Current mood: awake
Category: Life & Death

Penna: Lynna
Released: 210406
Mood: SHOCK!!!

Driving in a big luxurious car was is always everyone dreams, especially with a name and power. No one would reject the offer if theres an opportunity. I did tried to avoid taking that chance but I know she did want me to drive it because she wants me to be with her later after my meeting.

With hesitation and confusion I did accept her Beemer key and take her car to the destination agreed with an idea to tag him along later for Karaoke session. There we go for a talk and chat continuing where we stop yesterday.

Driving slowly while hearing what both need to say was not as good as yesterday and the other day but somehow we achieve something especially his side. Oh yeah B, did you have a jolly good time???

The real you with your unexpressive attitude but only smile. As usual when its time to leave the moodiness and the heavy heart to let go the sweet lil time was always hard to accept. As I drive down alone slowly along Damansara to Duta tol. After pumping the fuel, I called Yatee to confirm whether we are going out after that.

After putting the phone down I called him to make sure he is ready to bed and done with the day. As we talk I noted smoke coming from the aircond duct and dashboard and soon after a fire spark and flame coming from the front. I pulled the car over the side and stop, winding down the window and stop the engine.

A Chinese guy came over giving me an instruction to get a water to put the fire off. A bottle of mineral is not enough, I tried to stop passers to get as many water as I can but the fire become a big flame. At first no one wanted to stop as we know and notice there many deceiving cases on the road that makes drivers avoid to stop but once they spot the fire coming out from the car Im driving they quickly hand me the water I need.

Still not good enough because the flame are burning the whole dashboard and sparkling over to everywhere of the seats and roof. There was nothing much they and I can do but to remove everything that can be salvage from the car. Until there is this Perdana stop over and took out fire extinguisher from his car and put the fire off from inside the car and front bonnet. In the panic state of mind those people who tried to help ask me to call Bomba for a help. Bomba came on time where everyone was already asked to be moving farther from the car because car can be exploded anytime when the fire really became a disaster.

I was in a state of shocked and apologizing to Yatee all the time for what had happen. I feel responsible because Im driving no matter how I refused to that she is stressing it was not my fault and not blaming me. Sigh I feel very bad, we settle that with Jalan Bandar Traffic police, later and get the car towed to the workshop that night.

I do not know what time that I drift to sleep and was wake up by Romes call in the morning. I was too tired to pick and talk. But I cant put myself to sleep again.

My mind was pacing. What did I do wrong this time to make me punished this way? Im still thinking and asking myself, where does the answer goes to

But Im thanking god to still grant me a chance to live today and write this note for me to remember. Every good deed done will be granted with good will and for every wrongdoings is done, I will be punished pronto.

Lesson of the day, can I still pursue what I want? To love and be love? B, I need you to guide me, monitor me, being concern about me.

9.37 pm

bAck ON Track...

Penna : Lynna
Released: 240406
Mood: Calm

Back to office today with a warm greet in the morning. :-) smile is the best therapy in my lifetime. Thank you to all of you who had been monitoring me with or without me noticing it.

Theres many things waiting for my touch at work and other things too. But i feel good to be back to work and working things out as usual. I learn a lot of things during my hiatus period. So much for me to believe life is so beautiful and perfect only when you know where and when its suppose to be. My wide smile will be carried through all the way.

Thanks folks, love, friends, foe and everyone...
I love you...and will always do.
13.09pm

Passionate Hand/ Love

Current mood: confused
Category: Romance and Relationships

Penna: Lynna

Released: 140406

Mood: Unsure

The craving needs and wanting to remember someone is so unbearable lately. Different persons that really affects my emotion and feelings. Emotion??? Feelings??? Merely because of the person itself having similarity in giving affection and showing it.Keep on thinking of the lovely hand brushing my hair off my face. Cant forget the gazing eyes while the hands lovingly caressing my face, eyes, nose, my lips with deep meaning. Yes, I really missed those time. It doesnt mean those action will lead to something intimate. No it never does. He affect me with his love that way and with that Ill come closer to him and snuggle to his chest letting him embracing me in his warmth body and let him wrapped me in his arms. Feeling close, comfortable, secure and loved. Having to just let the time passed without saying nothing. Calming and so peaceful. Can only hear a heartbeat, while the loving hand cares my hair and back slowly and lovingly. Yes he affected me with his passion. Very passionate lover and passionate friend which has gone away taken with time thats not suiting me.Can still remember his word saying the person who gets you will be very lucky. As my eyes set on him quizzically asking why would that be?. You are very passionate he said. But to me he is the passionate person. Of all the friends I have, he had affect me with that, his words, his eyes, his smile, way and word of wisdom. My comfort feeling to be with him because he dont have intention towards me, although he have said I may not love you but I sayang you one night after a long discussion of a matter of lifestands. I dont know what does that means but that secure words amused me. With that I hold that bondage till today even when he has gone without saying goodbye. I have love his way because he has no feelings towards me that dont make me feel tied to him, which makes me feels so comfortable coming to him without having feelings and bond to him in anyway. I can come to him as and when I need him to be my friend or need him to touch me lovingly. I feel safe that way, very very safe in a way I dont have heart feeling but being touch of solely by his affection only.The way he touch, the way he look, the way he smile, the way he talks, so slow and melodramatically. Why of a sudden I missed those? Why of all the affection I had from everyone cant beat all those affection he gave although I am showered with love especially when I am sick.Z affects me with his way being demanding, commanding. The way of showing his love does affect me. Tho he was hard and rough but his affection mellow me. The bondage of love holds me to him. Letting him go because of other person was a mistake but letting him to find himself within his long lost love will make him happy.But I cant help myself remembering the loving hands which no others can beat this two person. Whom one has affected with his love and one affecting with his loving touch.Why passionate lover? Whats wrong with whom who love me without passion but just emotions? Whom said I love you many times in a day, he with his emotions and hardly show his passion and affection. Only his eyes gaze in me deeply. I love those eyes, I love the way he pick up my call or when he call me, first thing I will hear hi sayang. He will never argue with me but explain why he did it. Its difficult to get his eyes set on mine but once he did it my heart ache for his touch and embrace. He will not do it as and when. He will make me yearn and long for it. He makes me feel wanted and love. Whats wrong with me?It would not be the same. Passion is so different with emotions. Passion is a way of expressing with touch and bondage. While emotions needs words to say it out to express the feelings. The way of touching is good enough to show the affection and sign of love. Yes I crave for that. I do touch in my very own way. Way of expressing my feelings. Way of me touching and hold his hand, while my fingers trail his arms, caressing his fingers, kissing his cheek, his neck or touching his back. He doesnt like it, he doesnt like to show it off while I loved to. The conflict of expressing my way and his way often lead me to sulk.But that is what I should accept because I cant expect him to be like those persons who had left. Was it right to missed that feeling. I dont know. Dear blog this is what I feel, this is what I want, this is what I need. Capture my memories, capture my emotions, capture my passion, capture my compassion so that I can read and remember always. And to you abang I will always be myself when it comes to love you and express myself to you. I cant change my way because that is what I love to do. I loved to being love that way, I crave for that loving hand again. I loved to love and be love. Sometimes words is just aint enough. To the owner of the loving hands who read this, the credit goes to you. To you abang, I will be as you know who I am. I know your way and know my ways. It may be different but it is the way to complete the necessity. To be par with you guess Im not in the position to do it, Im going to patch the gap between us so theres no loophole that makes us ugly.I just want to complete what is not enough with my life and I just want to complete whats missing in yours. To compete with anyone, thats no big deal to me because I have no one to compete, not even her, your half.Love me just the way you do, is all I want, in return ill pray to god to keep us tangle and keep you in good shape and stronger than anyone else.

9.55pm

Laprascopic Bilateral Cystectomy

Current mood: curious
Category: Blogging

Penna: Lynna
Released: 13 April 06
Mood: Ingin Tahu

Satu penyakit yang didatangi 1 dalam 7 perempuan didunia. Terjadi kerana proses bulanan haid yang biasanya keluar melalui alat sulit wanita. Endometriosis terjadi kerana cebisan darah yang keluar bukan didalam saluran fallopian, uterus dan juga rahim dan tidak keluar melalui faraj. Proses itu terjadi apabila lebihan darah kotor itu menghala kebelakang dan bukan kesaluran normal dimana ia tidak boleh disalur keluar dan membentuk ketulan dari bulan ke bulan.Usus, uterus, ovari dan fallopian tiub bergumpal dan menyebabkan kesakitan di pinggang, pelvic dan apabila darah haid keluar. Tanpa sedar ia terbentuk dimana hanya sebulan sekali sakit mendatang apabila haid tiba. Selain dari itu tiada simtom yang dapat menyatakan bahawa endometriosis di hidapi oleh seseorang.Ia menyerangku pada seminggu selepas hari raya sewaktu memandu kepejabat. Kesakitan yang amat sangat yang menyebabkan peluh memercik keseluruhan badan. Walaubagaimanapun aku cuba untuk mengagahkan diri ke pejabat hingga aku tidak lagi berdaya untuk menghadapinya. Aku memberitahu bos yang aku benar-benar sakit dan tidak mampu menanggung kesakitan itu lagi. Aku dikejarkan diklinik, diberi injeksen dan aku terpana seketika dan perlahan-lahan sakit itu hilang dan aku disuruh buang air kecil dan sedikit sampel diambil untuk dibuat kajian. Darah dan protein ditemui dalam kencingku dan dengan itu dikaitkan dengan buahpinggang. Aku diberi cuti setelah itu dan diberi ubat tahan sakit sekiranya aku diserang lagi. Aku bertahan sehingga tengahari esoknya dimana kali ini aku diserang dengan lebih hebat sehingga dimasukkan ke Bilik Kecemasan. Aku dicucuk lagi, sampel darah diambil, begitu juga air kencing dan seterusnya temujanji dibuat bagi keseluruhan kajian dibuat. Lima bulan selepas itu aku, setelah diperkenalkan kepada doktor sakit puan, aku disahkan bukan menghidapi sakit buahpinggang tetapi mempunyai ketumbuhan didalam perut yang perlu dibuang kerana ruang itu telah dipenuhi sepenuhnya.Ruangan kiri ovari telah penuh dengan endometriosis yang bersaiz 5x6cm dan uterus telah mengembang dua kali ganda dari saiz asal dan menyebabkan kesakitan yang tidak terhingga. Ovari sebelah kanan tidak terlalu besar dan tidak berapa memudaratkan tapi juga perlu dibuang.4 lubang ditebuk bagi memudahkah kamera dan laser untuk melihat keadaannya. 7 botol air dan antibiotik masuk kedalam saluran darahku selama 4 hari diwad dan satu saluran kecil bagi menyalurkan lebihan pendarahan yang diletakan sebelah kanan dalam satu kantung kecil. Dimana darah yang kecoklatan dibuang pagi dan petang untuk memastikan kesemua darah yang kotor dibuang dan tidak lagi tersimpan didalam perutku. Haid datang pada hari pertama operasi dijalankan dan seperti biasa hampir dua minggu lamanya. Walau warnanya telah berubah dan kuantitinya kurang tapi ia masih meninggalkan kesan padaku. Sakit apabila ingin membuang airbesar dan juga apabila angin memenuhi ruang perutku. Ketegangan berlaku apabila aku duduk terlalu lama ataupun berjalan banyak.Syukur segala keperluan makan minum cukup dijaga oleh adik, pembantu, mak, makcik dan teman-teman. Teman sepejabat datang membawakan pati ikan haruan dan pati ayam untuk memulihkan luka didalam.Kepada semua yang menghantar SMS untuk mengetahui keadaan dan doa, terimakasih tak terhingga kerana ingatan terhadap diriku. Leen, Dizz, Aniz, Ida, Liz, Dot, Dol, Mohd, Naz, Poker, Bungkel, Yati, Rome, Niza, Sam dan lain-lain, terimakasih. Disinilah terletaknya nilai persahabatan dan kasih seorang kawan yang mana terluah bukan hanya dengan luahan perasaan tapi doa yang ikhlas. Alhamdullillah, allah memberiku ruang dan cinta kasih kawan yang dapat meneruskan senyumku hingga kini.1150pm

Fail or Fault

Penna: Lynna

Released: 12th Apr 2004

Mood: Sick

Yes i was very sick today. Early in the morning i was already feeling blues, threaten and feel like being a failure. But then question was asked to myself. Was it totally my fault to put a trust on something i thought that can be handled when it was passed down.
I was a winner, a runner, a student, an achiever and i expect the same from my children. But then once it was failed i gave them another chance but now its visible she did not prove that to me she's one of them. While Kak Long prove me that she cant, Shira failed for the second time. I yelled this morning, it makes my pelvic hurt like shit. I forgot the pain when my outburst blast. Damn me then but then it makes me feel so down since.
I put the drape down, cover my ears and self from surrounding till the call came in at almost eleven to wake me or to tell me its almost noon. The clog in the chest are still felt but then i let it be and go on with what i wanted to do today.
By four when bored enveloping my consciousness then i wake up put on my proper outfit to go out. Just to heal me with my writing. I feel good now... I had a good time yesterday entertaining all of my kids n nephew for full day outing. They got new shoes, new bags and loads of fun. Im glad im there to share the laugh, the smile and the joy.

5.34pm
Wednesday

Nature & Affection

Current mood: hot Category: Romance and Relationships

Penna: Lynna

Released: 11TH aPRIL 2006

Mood: As Nature and Being Beautiful like It is the Best Feel I every Had!

08 April 2005

After 4 years Langkawi was not visited like routine. Here I come again with new definition of style and expectation. A place which keep lots of love memories and affection. Last visit was when i wanted to renew our wedding vows and terms or to try amending it in 2002. Anyhow lots of things has been changed.Checked in to Berjaya Hotel at the very end corner of the lovely island where 90% of the guests are whites from all over the world and Japanese. It was surrounded by well kept green forest and located on a slope with green sceneries with sound of nature and rythm of the lovely waves which comes and go. Having to hop around in a shuttle to take us from cafe to chalet was amusing n fun ride while healing fresh breathe do really appeal my thoughts and soul to be with full of joy and fun.Cant tell you how much I felt for this place while im suppose to be resting home and this holiday was a blast resting place for me after so long.Yeah, being gone with male and female do gave so much of difference. It has been long since i pampehered myself with all this. Having holidays on my own without the kids. Having friend to serve me and attend to be a companion. My last long journey was to Sg on June last year with a friend of mine. Being pamphered by him was very sweet. At the same time being a companion to male gender was lovely. But having to have a female companion are far more sweeter when they can understand better in full terms of desire and destiny of a friendship and relations. It was beautiful experience where you can listen, giving your thoughtful mind, and advice. We sing, we laugh, we dance, we cry, we shout and even do stupid things but it only makes us understand more of what life can offer to everyone in this world be it to parents, friends, siblings, foes, and everyone. Im glad i said yes to her invitation beside being there for her to listen, to guard and to advice she did found herself, her missing point in life, marriage, friendship, relationship and most important being HER as a person.And as for me, being far away from kids, families, friends and love one do gave me one hard time to adjust the feeling of being missed and missing. But i had a very good time. Its a coincidence once we checked in my cousin sister fm Senawang SMS came in telling she just checked in to Buena Vista in Kuah. I was laughing when i heard her voice on the other end telling her "hey we can meet!". There i was on the second day my uncle pick me up in a van for evening tea. I was blessed and so happy to have two uncles and aunties and surrounded around by cousins sister and brothers. Thank you god for the lovely reunion after the sickness and pain. Thank you, thank you and alhamdullillah.

09th April 2006

It has been long since i am being touched even myself or someone opposite. Sinking my body in a hot tub, appreciating the feel of warmth water enveloping my body, soul and mind. Touching every inch of my body, appreciating every curve and corners. Getting a feel that I long for was never the same. The hot flush, the heart beat, the strong urge, needing, wanting, the place, and environment and most important how I felt towards the feeling. Now I am starting to miss hot body next to me, missing a langarous lazy touch, musky scent, sexy smell that inviting my desire and lust.Wanting hot and crazy love. Crazing over crawling touch, tickling, twisting, sleazing, entwined in one soul, one melody, one rythm to one destiny. The hot flush rushed, burning my heart with desire, lust and fussing over the envigorating needing heat.Day by day the needs, the urge, hiking, upheaving will of notion. The appealing feel, getting all the attention from him. But the thoughts always back to the luring eyes which has affected me much by his touch once upon a time. The way he touch, lurking, tickling, breathing, amused me and when i thought of it, the blood rushed jerking my nerve with intention to feel the hands again on my body.I drifted to far... but i wanted to share more. I will be back later to continue the affection that affected my desire...

6.40pm 11th april 2002